The future paradigms and paradoxes

This blog will today find her last resting place in the list of creations of my hand, it has served its purpose and it’s time to move on.
Two new blogs will see the light and will serve a new purpose and new challenges and a new stage for what my life offers me.

First of there’s a diverse new Sophie sans scrupule blog, written in Dutch, which will unlike this one will hardly have any autobiographic documental posts, I post what I see, hear and what I feel with that. So for anyone Dutch, you’re welcome to visit Sophie sans scrupule.

Secondly there’ll be a blog in which I will give my (lgbtq) activism and international orientation on global issues a home, but not only for me, it is also my goal to invite some friends to post their opinions on issues which strike them and about their activism. An international stage, provided by Her Queerness Regina.

Hope to see any of you currently scarce visitors over there in the coming months and beyond.

The oppurtunity to read back posts in this blog will continue, though over time this blog’s posts will be taken offline as my life will make further strides into a brighter and challenging future.

I thank you for having visited this blog.

Yours sincerely,

Sophie

L’arbre en dehors de ma fenêtre

090415 tree

Originally uploaded by Sophie sans scrupule

Jour Un

This is the tree outside my window
It’s there every day
She’s a bit slow
Just started shooting leaves
Like every day for me
There’s every day a new day for the tree
I treasure the tree outside my window
Although this tree can’t move
She does know change
Which I sometimes envy
A tree like her might not look like she’s loved
This post and future ones will show my love
For this tree and it’s beauty

Pause

Left of the Delete/Break key on my laptop’s keyboard is a key that says Insert/Pause, it’s a key I only hit by accident, missing either the backspace or the Delete. The consequens of such a miss is especially disturbing when correcting what I’ve typed, like adding a word in the middle of the sentence. You’ll probably all have experienced it. Honestly I wouldn’t mind to ever hit the Pause, because a pause from my laptop is often quite welcome. Currently though I don’t get much further than pausing this blog. I am really out of it lately, and don’t see myself getting into it. Those who read this blog frequently might have seen it coming or aren’t that surprised. Yes, I am taking a true break from my blogging on wordpress. This means no transition updates, and indeed I already missed this month’s update. It is more like a pause than a break, because I will return at least a few times, to insert some new words here, I am not planning to delete anything. So for those who like to read back all the way to November 2007, please be my guest whenever you want.
I will start to make an effort of graduating in the mean time, continue my social life, and I might even fall in love. You won’t get the news the first anymore, that privilege is meant for my best friends. The curious cases among you can still leave a comment to ask what’s going on in my wordpress absence, you might get a personal update that way.

I’m tired now, will make myself a cup of tea.

(you know what the Insert doesn’t even seem to work in wordpress… the weirdest thing…)

Pause

Postponement

My intention was to haul over this blog starting this month with a new and challenging approach, but as the title of this post tells you, I am here to tell that it’ll have to be postponed. This month is not the right month, I have some things up my sleeve that deserve more attention than my blog. Well they’re not really up my sleeve anymore, dropped out of it long ago like my final research, but to prevent them sticking to my fingers any longer, I will need both my hands free from distractions. There’s kind of a personal overhaul needed to get things going now, and well some things will have to be put on the back seat, to make space up front for the things that need more immediate attention.
I’m now thinking that it’ll be until April maybe May before I will decide on the date of the blog overhaul, until then there’ll be few posts. The regular monthly updates will continue, that’s a given, but there won’t be many or any posts beside those. I will let you know, probably in the next update if things will really go ahead the way I want them to go right now. I sure don’t want this absence to be a waste. I will glorify over the things that need to be done, at least that’s the goal.

Quinze mois ~ ‘08 has been, ‘09 will be

A full year of real-life experience has passed, 2008 was a true new year for me. Life has normalized by now, at least to an extent I haven’t experienced in many years. Apart from my study, I have made some great leaps forward, and that matters a lot. I have met so many nice and beautiful people, the fact that they know me as me not only makes a huge difference, it makes my new social life more natural. With my renewed social life I have gained more self confidence, coinciding with hormonal developments that made my belief in whom I am more visible.
I do not doubt myself anymore, sure there’s those little things that can make me a little insecure, I see the woman I am when I look in the mirror. That’s a huge leap forward, because battling my mirror image for so many years was one of the hardest things. Then I had only some little things that reflected me, but I needed this year to have myself fully reflected, and it has meant a lot for my self confidence. I do think that I have vertain progress to make concerning that, and other aspects of me. Social reluctance to open myself up, to show my character and emotions has been harder to shed. Over time my attitude of protectionism will be hollowed out and make place for an openness and social and emotional commitment to exploring the myself and the people around me. I’m confident that I have laid out the basis for that with what I went through socially and emotionally this past year. I look forward to 2009.
There’s things heading to an end, like my voice training and facial laser hair removal, like visiting my gender therapist once every 3 months, like my official real-life experience. There’s things which will start off this year, like my final research and thesis, like being on the waiting list for my srs, like exploring the possibility for a tracheal shave, like starting to work out and doing sports again, like….. falling in love…. who knows. At least, I’d love to, but graduating is a more urgent task and doing research has to be at hand before Summer, well rather before Spring to be honest. If there’s one thing that didn’t really take off since starting hormone treatment then studying and thus graduating stands out. There will be enough unproductive study days, like today, but the goal is set, the toolbox is present, and the ideas are abundant. I have overcome my biggest life struggle by making a change, it turned out quite well thus far, maybe I needed that succes to move on to the next succes, graduation in 2009. I’m sounding positive, just like I was positive about my transition. I could consider 2008 as a lost year in the light of my study, but that’s not true. I might not have finished anything worth credits this last year, but I did learn about myself as a student, I learnt a lot about the world, I learned quite some things about the trans community. I sowed the seeds last year for a long awaited harvest this year. In between studying this next year I will be blogging, and in between hanging out with friends I’ll be studying, and in between living my life I will be doing all those things. And just so you know, my positiveness has nothing to do with a certain president Obama, though one line about his inauguration, I think I’ll be able to connect with that guy or at least his speech writer, beautiful words and an honest and fair world view which deserve my respect.

Tenderness

I for one don’t actually have any new years resolutions, that’s not my kinda thing to get myself into, but today for the sake of my fun and pleasant support group resolutions was one of the topics. And in that setting I am not someone who’s a dealbreaker, and went along with it, because it’s about clear things not about stopping nasty habits. So when it was my turn I came to the conclusion that I would like to be more approachable, that I like to open up more easily, and relax in the company of dear friends. I’m quite a sober person, but feelings are something which only come up when they reach the ceiling, and that doesn’t help if you want to get closer with friends. I often say that I’m an honest person, but I notice that I lack honesty in showing my feelings, my doubts, my interests, that way relationships tend to lack depth and a while ago I came to the conclusion that I feel frustrated by that fact.
Of course there’s no simple solution, it’s only a resolution to work on it, and so I will, that way I might find tenderness too. Yeah I could use a sweet and tender hug, no doubt about that. So it’s time to losen up and let the tenderness come in my life. As 2009 won’t be a spectacular year regarding my steady transition, I could just as wel make it a spectacular year of deepening relationships and love interests.

As of February 2009

This blog will go through some changes, as I mentioned in the previous post I want to give it more structure, diversify the substance, more opinions, more prose, more fun, and even guests.

Take a look at the newest page among my pages, Le calendrier sans scrupule, to prepare yourself on what’s coming.
As I said I want some guest writers, preferably women, to write a post on my blog once a month, if you like my blog and like to be part of what’s it will become then leave me comment and I’ll get in touch with you.
As you might notice there’s no posts on Tuesday’s except when the 20th or 31st of a month is a Tuesday, don’t know which months that happens, I’ll get back to you about that on the first Tuesday that happens.

The new schedule starts in February, taking January off, except the 20th for my diary update.

There’s one thing I’m pondering about though, if it might be an idea to make a new blog, a fresh start and only crosspost the diary posts to this blog. I have a month to think about that, I’ll sure let you know if I decide to do so.

Quatorze mois – a little bit beyond

Four days late, and I honestly remembered yesterday that I had missed the 20th of the month, well no harm done. The most news worthy announcement is that I feel like I’ve reached the point that my tranisition (ie hrt/rle) has become a simple part of my life, which brings nothing new to my daily life anymore. Well not exactly nothing, because I still have laser hair removal apointments ahead of me which will make a difference. The effect of hormone treatment is unnoticable by now, changes are too slow to notice, so sadly enough there’s nothing to tell about what it does to my body, not now, and probably not for at least the next six months.
Like in many previous posts which hadn’t much to tell you on bodily developments there are still enough thing to tell about. For instance, I have also reached the point that I’m satisfied with the way I look. Sure some days my hair gets all fluffy, which I am not fond of, but overall my looks don’t treat my ego like shit, it even gets pampered sometimes. Quite some credit goes to the laser hair removal, for instance I don’t have any visible beard shadow anymore. Shaving got easier, with less hair, it costs me less time, although I still shave daily, but after another two treatments that will probably be a done deal too. I can’t point other sources to give credit that easily, but it could also be that I’ve been watching The L word season 4 last few weeks. In a certain way watching those women it gives me a feeling of belonging, which boosts my ego. Watching attractive lesbians makes me feel like I’m an attractive lesbian too, I’m not the person to go tell myself I’m unattractive just because I’m single. I’ve always been a person whom carried with herself and now that pride gets bigger with feeling beautiful, and I am 75% sure that there’s someone out there whom thinks I’m attractive. Well it is a mere feeling, but my senses can’t be that wrong, I haven’t even purposely flirted with her, but somehow she gives me the feeling she finds me attractive. If that’s the case with her, then there can be numerous other women whom can find me attrative. I like where this reasoning is going…hahaha…o sure, there are lesbian women for whom I’m a no go, but that’s their shortcoming, and when did I say I fall for every woman?
Oh well, time to move to an other topic, like… uh… hmm… how much I like Cat Davis’ Cat on the prowl, on afterellen.com, or how I think Jenny sucked in season 4 from the point her Lez Girls was her big thing, or how I’ve already dreamt twice about Jessie’s arrival here on my doorsteps so to say (Jessie, my dearest Chiq-ago girl, love her).
True this next week is going to be exciting, tomorrow there’s Christmas at my parents, I’m going to make the soup, friday back home again I’ll spend the day with a friend, going to a big glbt Christmas party at night with her and some others, on Saturday.. uh..I’ll be sleeping and doing nothing special, Sunday will be my big cleaning day to prepare for Jessie’s arrival (although I should be cleaning either way, certain things have been neglected a little to a lot), Monday the mattrass will arrive (brought by my parents) because I can’t let Jessie sleep on my couch for more than two nights, Tuesday is Jessie’s day of arrival, going to Amsterdam, maybe visiting some people, Wednesday is the last day of 2009, anyone knows what that means.
I don’t know if I’ll be posting any lists this year, or any posts at all for the next 3 weeks, have been thinking about giving this blog some more structure, thoughts about that will be worked out to something beautiful I can show around as of (lets say) Febraury!

Have a wonderful Christmas and best wishes for that year ahead of us, called 2009!

The unlit candle

I feel like an unlit candle, not that I want to melt away, oh no, more in the sense that I don’t tap into my abilities to handle the huge obstacle of my present life, called studying. There are a number of real unlit candles in my room, some on a windowsill and a big red one with white polka dots next to my cd-collection and a little angel candle I got from a friend last Tuesday. The red one has burnt, but hasn’t been lit for quite a while, I can’t even remember if I lit it past winter. I do feel like lighting it now, hoping it hasn’t collected too much dust, because that would make it more difficult to light it.

There, I lit both the red one and the angel, they look awkward next to eachother, as awkward as I’d look wearing a cross. I do feel kinda uncomfortable with religious symbols, even the laughing buddha I got as petit present for SintNicholas feels inappropriate to have. I am not religious, I hold no believes in anything higher than my own human mind. I should have more believe in my human mind to make an effort to graduate, but I haven’t gotten to the point where I’ve been lit. I don’t even know what’s able to light me, as student I feel like I’ve had my best lit moments year ago, although I never ever shined bright and cunningly as a student. perhaps that’s just something I have to live with but I cannot simply run away from this, like a candle I stubbornly stick myself to the surface I’m standing on. It even gets worse the longer a candle burns, I’m not really sure if that’s the case with me, but I surely want to be done. That stubbornly leads me to stick instead of running away.
I feel like making a change now, a change for myself, the second largest change for myself probably, the largest being coming out about my gender identity and starting to transition. I might not be lit tomorrow, but I surely will make a change so I can be lit very soon.
Today is clearly a day to depart from, yes I did iron my laundry but apart from that my day was quite empty, though I forget to mention that I did my speech exercise, which went okay, despite my throat still being in recovery mode from the cold I had. A change could lead to a lot, maybe even putting a lid on this blog for a while, I feel like I lack motivation and inspiration to write, but who knows if I find my motivation to study again I could likewise find the motivation and inspiration to write on my blog.

The angel is already unrecognisable, luckily I’m more like the big red candle with white polka dots.

Contemplations

My life as a student is stuck, stuck in a lack of motivation and structure, I wrote about this a couple of times before and real change hasn’t happened in the mean time. The question is if I need to take more drastic action, I already came to the conclusion that I need to clean up my agenda. Not my physical agenda, but the things in which I’m involved need to be minimized as much as possible. How does this help me? Well it helps me in clearing my mind, in getting focus, in diminishing worries about responsibilities. I simply cannot tolerate any more delay due to the chaos in my head, it obstructs the possibility to focus on what’s necessary, which is to graduate from university within the next year. Apart from contemplating a withdrawl from activities and organising my private prioritites, I need to step back from my laptop, step back from the internet. I have no huge social online life, nor am I constantly blogging or anything like that, for me it’s a way to fill the emptiness which is created by the lack of study motivation and after contemplating it for months it’s time to take action, to reward myself with a Master’s degree before the end of 2009.
I made a decision today to step back from the studentcommission I’m in for the local glb youth organisation, I coordinated it somewhat out of necessity but it’s too much of a burden currently and thus adds to the chaos in my head. Things have to change, and as soon as I’ve established my research and refound my motivation I can consider to commit myself to higher purposes than my own. There might be other things in which I need to step back, even socially, not because I don’t like to hang out with certain people, but because the relationship as with being coordinator is despite how much I like someone a weight on my shoulders. I won’t make anyone happy with it, but moving on personally can mean moving away socially from someone. When graduated I can move on again and possibly move closer again, maybe even with this blog, I won’t part from it but my posts will be scarcer in the new year, I won’t be less dedicated though. Patience is golden, but procrastination is a waste.