Monthly Archive

Today I bought a measuring tape. I didn’t have one yet, and I though it could come in handy to measure my sizes. And well, since certain sizes of my body are sort of increasing, I though it would be interesting to keep track off these sizes. For one measurement I’m too late. I don’t know, though I once some years ago measured it, the exact size of my flat chest. Indeed my flat chest is gone, passé, history, no more. Yes you might oppose that after over a month of hormones I can’t have that much to call it more than a flat chest. Well I’ll be honest, it’s still flat, it’s not flat-on. Meaning to say, I don’t have the man’s chest of a skinny man who’s got hardly developed chest muscles. Not that I would have wanted a muscled chest, gawth NO. What I now have are clearly breasts in their early stages of growth, tiny, but they’re there. And NO I don’t give them names! Oh well, you want to hear my sizes, well the size beneath my bust should be quite consistent, this is 85cm equal to 34 inches. My bust size, the size of which I hope it will pleasantly increase these next few years, yes it can take years (I’ve been told), this is 93cm which is almost 37 inches. I’m guessing my chest was somewhere between 35 and 36 inches before hormones, not sure. The increase is modest, but I’m proud of it. No really, I had little idea how soon I’d see some change there, and to be honest, you’d already seriously insult me by saying that I’m flat-chested, ’cause i’m not, not anymore at least ^-^.
And now I can wear a size 38AA bra, isn’t that amazing? I’m going to wait with throwing away my 38B bra’s which I wear with inserts, would be a bit presumptuous to do that. Though I have no guarantee that they will naturally fit me, it would be absolutely nice if the hormones would manage that, don’t you think?

One last note, DO NOT PRESUME I’LL BE POSTING PICTURES OF MY CHEST! You perverts!
Go try and make pictures with a measuring tape, you’ll fail miserably!!!

(In three weeks there will be an update together with my ‘two month HRT’ post)

St. Vincent - Paris Is Burning 

I just can’t get enough of her, she’s amzingly beautiful and has a wonderful voice. Hoping to see her play life in a few weeks.

Sans scrupule is a special category of postings which are about experiences of mine, which left a negative feeling behind that I just need to get off my chest. This might hurt someones feelings, but I didn’t name this blog ‘Sophie sans scrupule’ to keep all my irritations to myself. I’m only being honest, telling my feelings and opinions, no truths, so if you consider my words to be the truth than that’s your problem. I’m being harsh here, I know, just one tip: comment if you have something to say concerning this and future ‘sans scrupule‘ posts. (ps. everyone can comment wordpress blogger or not)

Die Disco Fever
I went out, to a party, a party for gays, lesbians and bisexuals, together with a group of people from the local GLB-youth organization. I didn’t have any high expectations as I always lack with these kind of parties. Yes I’m lesbian, no I don’t like most gay music or other dance and mixes they play at these kinds of parties. I can manage though. Years ago I learnt to dance to this kind of music when the music played at my favorite bar in Venlo (near to where my parents live) went downhill, they had a dance floor there. When I first came there over 9 years ago, the music was amazing, alternative and still highly danceable. Yes I danced to Rammstein, also to Moloko and Korn … if I could put my energy and frustration in it I would dance it. That changed, not only did the music change, also my need to let out frustration passed. So to still have fun, because I love to dance, I learnt to dance to Beyonce, Outkast and the likes of them. My musical taste also changed from nu-metal oriented to indiepop/rock and eighties and modern new wave oriented, meaning to say that I don’t disgust pop but I still prefer guitars and alternative pop above manufactured unoriginal pop. I even love dance music like Underworld, Daft Punk, Fatboy Slim and Basement Jaxx. Though don’t come up to me with Dutch techno, revived 90s house music or any other bad dance music!
The thing is that I am a social animal too though, so although I know what music I can expect, gay tunes and bad dance music ow and maybe an Outkast or Justin Timberlake, I do go to these kind of parties to attempt a fun social night out. So when I went out with my GLB friends I didn’t went out to have a night of fun dancing. The problem is though that music can really influence my enjoyment of an evening like this, I do try to have fun and I do dance, but whatsoever I won’t have the best time of my life.
Now there’s another thing about these GLB-parties. As an inbetweeny, meaning not yet fully woman, and not to be considered male, not even gay male. This isn’t something I chose for and it isn’t something I like people to judge me on. It makes me insecure and a little bit anti-social. At these parties there’s of course also kids, yes kids, you are a kid when you’re 20 or younger. Kids whom think it’s fun to drink a lot and try to catch someones attention just for the fun of it. I happen to know two of them, because they’re in the same GLB-group in which I am, who were there accompanied by some of their friends. Among them was a gay boy, about whom I just want to state that he was a horrible dancer, and yes if you’re a horrible dancer who’s trying to catch my attention than I’ll simply ignore you. I’m a bit of a bitch in that sense. One of the two kids I know, both are girls and lesbian, happens to like beer and not just a little of it. I dislike beer, I dislike obnoxious drunk people, even when they’re women. What do drunk lesbian girls do whom have grown up to listen to bad dance music and the likes of Beyonce? Just for funs they ride their ass up to you, how enjoyable, NOT. My background of how I experience dancing has no connection to rubbing asses up to someone. 1. It’s too intimate. 2. Only persons whom I’d have no problem with if they’d do that would be my best friend Sabrina and if I’d have a girlfriend, my girlfriend. 3. Did you ever see people rub asses up to someone else at indierock or deathrock parties? No. 4. I’m not a kid anymore.
So the drunk girl put me in an uncomfortable situation, for which I could hate her, but I don’t hate people, I pity them. Now the other girl, who’s a bit younger than the drunk girl, thinks I’m interesting. She’s a beautiful girl, I’d even kiss her if I weren’t such a romantic fool. We’re worlds apart, even when she’s sitting next to me, not only because she’s a kid and her preference for pop and (bad) dance music. In our view of the world, of social life and probably the future she’s on a whole other level. That’s her right. I’m sadly enough not the type to invest in bridging these differences, as everybody I’m equally judgmental. Certain people really need to proof themselves, thinking of me as interesting isn’t enough. I can cope with the difference and do small talk, but don’t expect me to join your pleasure at such a gay party which is a surrounding which estranges me from myself and makes me feel displaced. I am not making excuses here, this is just the way I feel about it. If it were up to me alone I would have went to another party at Doornroosje with music I like to dance to, there’s a reason why I’ve never been to Inferno (where the gay party was) before! You now might question why I even joined my GLB-friends to this party, well when you’re with a group of GLB people you go to a GLB party. There we are among like-minded, is the notion. The problem is that I will never feel among like-minded when shit music is booming into my head, music means to much to me, but I don’t deny the advantages of GLB-parties, I just don’t like the music. So I go there for the advantages, which is among others for my GLB-friends to feel among like-minded, so they are comfortable and fun to be around with. Other advantage is the possibility of meeting a cute girl there, for the chance of her being open to me and romantically interested is higher than at non-GLB-parties, I think. Yes I did see some cute girls there . If I could organize a party though, I’d make it a normal alternative dance/indierock party open to everyone but especially for gay and lesbian folks. Conclusive question: will I ever go to such a GLB-party again? I will keep my issues with these kind of parties and the kids coming there, but I’m also still open to the suggestion of considering to join my GLB-friends again…. hope you understand what I mean. Yes I’m vague!

A lot has happened previous to starting my hormone treatment, so I thought of writing down a chronology of the events leading up to it.

1982
I was born to my two loving parents and brother (in 1985 joined by a little sister)
1991-1992
It was somewhere in these years that I became aware of the feeling of wanting to be a girl and my feelings of discontent with my male body. I kept these feelings hidden all through the rest of my youth, but did find out more about what I later found out to be called gender dysphoria.
2001
My first relationship with another girl, but in that time it was obviously a heterosexual relationship. 
In the same period I moved out and sort of moved in with my gf. I also started to find out more about my feelings.
2002
My gf and I went to officially live together, she also became the first person to know of my long kept secret.
2003
I came to the conclusion that I wanted to transition.
More people were told about my ’secret’.
My girlfriend and I broke up.
2004
I went back to live with my parents, so I told my mom about my genderdysphoria. She told my brother and sister early that year and later that year I told my dad about it, in which I was accompanied by my best friend Sabrina.
Shortly after my close family were all informed I contacted the Dutch genderteam in Amsterdam and had my intake there, but had to wait almost 8 months for my first appointment with one of their gender therapists.
2005
I had monthly appointments with gender therapist, which to my discontent didn’t deliver what I had hoped. I eventually cut back my hopes and was reminded of the fact that I ought to take certain steps and overcome some obstacles.
I also disclosed my situation to my friends and acquaintances preceding my 23rd birthday.
Later that year I moved out of my parents home and went to live on my own in Nijmegen where I study developmentstudies at the university.
2006
My therapist told she couldn’t help me further saying she wasn’t able to conclude if I were transsexual nor if I weren’t. So I was sent to a normal therapist in Nijmegen, whom couldn’t really mean something for me. I did went on taking steps and fighting hurdles.
2007
Shortly after new year I informed my friends, those whom I hadn’t told yet, how I wanted to be called in the future. In the fall of 2006 I had finally chosen my new name, Sophie, which was one of the hurdles, and now it was a good time to let my friends know.
Late Spring I contacted the genderteam again and had my first talk in a year with my gender therapist, I informed her about my developments. At the next appointment at the end of July she told me that she wanted to put me up for consideration for further treatment, hormones and eventually srs, in the specialist team known as THE genderteam. The same week I got the good news that the genderteam agreed with my therapist and I could start hormones.
First I chose to guarantee myself of having offspring of my own when time would come, due to bureaucratic shit it took 2 and a half month before that was arranged. Finally, I got my hormone prescription and the beginning of MY future started. Along with these developments I started to live using my name Sophie publicly, also on campus where I informed the staff of CIDIN and my (former) fellow students. Life is turning bright and I love it.

This is a collection of experiences of my first month on hormones.

First week of HRT
Saturday October 20th I started with my hormone therapy (HRT). I though it was a nice idea to keep my friends posted on the developemnts.

Well on this first week I can be really short, I noticed nothing, nothing physically nothing mentally. This isn’t bad or anything, these things don’t go that fast. I don’t know if it is usefull to keep you posted on a weekly basis, but that’s just easy for me…. to keep to a certain blogging plan

2nd week
So here’s the update on my second week of HRT.
I do think one of the medicins seems to show effect, this is the androcur which i take to block my testosteron from doing to my body what it has been doing since my puberty. I could go into detail about the precise effects, but I won’t, a little bit too private to be honest, so whomever is really eager to know can ask me personally.
Beside this pleasant effect, I think I’m also noticing the first side effects, which are sudden moments of dozyness, especially on moments which i’m not used to or expecting dozyness. But it could also be on account of my worsened sleeping rythm of last week, so I’m not sure.

Troisième semaine de HRT
I am now 3 weeks on hormones, and maybe to your disappointment I have no huge new experiences to share with you. People around me say they see something, like a softer facial skin, which I doubt though. My skin has gotten more dry, and the softness that day, for which I got that kind comment, was probably due to putting on day creme that morning. On the other hand it could be true, my cheeks do feel soft, but do they feel softer??? I can’t really say.
On a more mental note, I have experienced my first (short) moodswing, I was watching some video on the internet, and without any reason coming from that video I suddenly felt sad and on the brink of crying. I’ve been on the brink of crying several times this past year, but not like this without anything specific giving cause to it. So I think I can positively ascribe this to the hormones, although it isn’t something really positive … o.O

Een maand hormonen
I’ve been exactly one month on hormones now, and you’ve read what happened in the first three weeks. Compared to week 3 this last week of this first month didn’t bring any astounding new experiences. My skin is still somewhat softer, and more dry, so i really need to go buy some daycreme. I did have some stress last week because of a decision I had to make concerning the topic for my final thesis. There’s one thing though regarding my transition which one could consider as a real NEWSFLASH. I started feeling pinches underneath my nipples, which could point to the first signs of breast development. I am not 100% sure like with many things these past weeks, but I have to say that I haven’t felt pinches like that before. I’ve been told that it’ll become quite painful on a given time, but thus far it’s just pinches.
So all in all there have been some interesting developments past month, these next months will probably get even more interesting. I won’t be posting weekly updates anymore though, I’m taking it down to twice a month. This means that next update will be in 15 days.