Monthly Archive

This last 2007 list is generated by my winamp player. I had my entire music collection most of the year on shuffle which resulted in a top 10 of songs which were played most since somewhere May 2007 when I last reset the history.

0. The Cure - the kiss
1. Muse - unintended
2. De Novo Dahl - push buttons
3. Jenny Wilson - common around here
4. Jenny Wilson - a hesitating cloud of despair
5. Laura Veirs - spelunking
6. Envelopes - it is the law
7. The Long Blondes - only lovers left alive
8. Midnight Movies - oh, twilight
9. The Red Paintings - i’ll sell you suicide

“come on in” Annie had just opened the front door to go inside the private student dorm where she lived with 5 other students. Nicole came after Annie fleeing the cold north eastern wind which ruled outside. They had gone to buy groceries for dinner, though it took a while to figure out what they wanted to make. Holding hands they had gone through all the alleys in the huge supermarket, well except the one with the toilet paper and pet food.
Nicole closed the front door behind her when Annie went up the stairs, Nicole quickly followed enjoying her view of Annie’s buttocks. They entered the kitchen on the first floor. ”you can put the vegetables and dessert in this fridge, we can leave the rest here next to the sink.”
“okay” Nicole replied, while unpacking the bag of groceries.
“now come with me, there’s something I want to show you” and Annie grabbed Nicole’s left hand pulling her along to the room across the badly lit hallway. There Nicole stood in Annie’s room, it didn’t have the bright colors like Nicole’s room, but it did have a double bed, which was lacking from Nicole’s apartment. Before Nicole could think of what it would be like to make love in a bed that big, she was pulled onto it and had Annie kissing her neck. She got goose-pimples all over her body, something she hadn’t experienced for a long time. Her nipples hardened when their lips met in an indescribable passion.
A nock on Annie’s door disrupted their intimate pleasure, Annie made a sighing moan, “oh fuck, not now”. Annie got on her feet and Nicole went to sit up straight. Another nock on the door hastened Annie to open it. “hey” “hey Annie, are you going to be needing the kitchen now, ’cause I really need to make supper now” it was a housemate of Annie, a tall guy, casual and unattractive to the eye, at least in Nicole’s judgement. He glanced past Annie greeting Nicole, introducing himself “hello, I’m Martin” “Hi. Nicole” “you can go abuse the kitchen now” Annie answered Martin
“okay okay I’ll leave you two alone”
And Annie closed the door again, ending Martin’s intrusion. ”it looks like we’ll have to wait half an hour before we can make dinner, Martin’s not the neatest cook, so my apologies in advance for the dirty kitchen”
“ah, I don’t mind, I can’t claim my little kitchen to be clean, so you won’t have me complaining about someone else’s”
Annie put a cd in her stereo and pressed the play button. “let’s go sit on the couch”. Nicole got on her feet and sat down again next to Annie on the old black leather couch which stood next to her bed, looking out on a poster of Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and her bookcase filled with sociology books and a few untouched books about law.
“this is all kind of new to me” Nicole broke the short silence. Annie turned her herself 90 degrees to face Nicole “how do you mean? I remember you told me you had a girlfriend before”
“that’s true, but that was over 4 years ago, and not only have I changed a lot, it has never been like this, this passion, this desire for you, though I hardly know you” Annie saw Nicole’s expression go from troubled to amazed. “but I want this to happen, I so much want this, as unreal and scary as this seemed to me when I didn’t have it these past years, now the unbearable desire for this new experience to be never-endig is burned into my heart” Nicole exclaimed. Annie caressed Nicole’s left cheek “you’re so beautiful” she said. Nicole blushed.
“something about you has been intriguing me ever since I saw you on campus, not only do I respect you for what you’ve been struggling for these past few years, to be yourself, but something deep inside me always put a smile on my face when I saw you, it was as if I had some sort of pride for you and a desire to be there for you, but I never said a word”
“you did say more than one word last November!” Nicole countered Annie’s disappointment in herself. “we’re here now because of that, I could be wishing to have said something to you when I saw you at the summer festival in July, but I didn’t, and I was disappointed in myself, but this what happened between us today it dissolves all the past disappointments”
Annie put her right hand on Nicole’s shoulder and gave her a little kiss on her lower lip “you really are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met” She laid her head on Nicole’s shoulder, and Nicole put her right arm around Annie while she caressed Annie’s lower left arm, to finally wrap her own left hand over Annie’s. So they sat there for a few minutes, listening to the music. There was a nock on the door once again, followed by Martin shouting “Annie, the kitchen is yours now!” Annie looked at Nicole with a big smile on her face “let’s go make dinner” she jumped up and pulled Nicole from the couch. They left the room while a beautiful female voice chanted from the stereo singing ‘Fools in love, gently hold each others hands forever. Fools in love, gently tear each other limb from limb‘.

The high buzzing doorbell rings. “hello?” “hi, it’s me Annie” “hi Annie, you can come up if you don’t mind, take the door left on the first floor, then walk straight through to the next door, I’ll probably be waiting there for you”. Nicole giggles
Quickly Nicole tidies her bed, lays her winter coat and shawl on it and walks through her apartments front door into the hallway towards the latter door mentioned to Annie. She opens it when Annie is halfway from that other door. They greet eachother, while Nicole holds open the heavy hallway door. She often miscalculates the time between entering the apartment building and reaching the hallway door, though it seldomly leads to hearing the low buzzing doorbell buzz. Which is a good thing, not only because that buzz from the second doorbell at the hallway entrance startles Nicole every single time, but mainly because that means she reaches the hallway door in time, although often too early. This time she absolutely doesn’t mind keeping the door open. Annie is a beautiful 23 year old girl, her dark almost black curls bouncing up and down with each step, eyes of a unique green blue color completing her refined face and her wonderful smile welcoming Nicole at the hallway door. Nicole has been looking forward to this date ever since they first spoke to eachother late November. Now she is here and they will go buy groceries in a few minutes and have diner at Annie’s place.
“hey” Annie greeted again. “hey, and a happy new year!” Nicole replies and gives Annie two kisses on her cheeks. For a second they look in eachothers eyes, their faces still close to one another while the hallway door clicks and shuts out the cold outside air. Nicole steps back, blushing, with Annie’s little kiss still pressed on her lower lip. They’re both silent for a moment longer, when Nicole is pulled out of it by the tunes of one of her favorite songs coming from her room. “come on, I’ll show you my room” The song gets louder each step they take towards Nicole’s room, together with the romantic tension shared in silence between Nicole and Annie. At the front door of the apartment they can’t keep it up any longer. Intensely they start kissing eachother. It’s been over 4 years for Nicole, since she last experienced intimate kissing like this, but it’s the intensity and the attraction making this kiss a totally new experience. Nicole gently pulls Annie further into her bright pink and purple decorated apartment, while her stereo chants ‘I love you all the time, except when you are mine, to be with you is a crime‘.
Nicole’s mind is spinning when Annie takes her soft lips away from her “you have a beautiful room”.
Nicole: “You have the most beautiful lips”.
Annie blushes and giggles “no really I mean it, I like your room”
“well I like it even more when you’re in it” Nicole replies while she turns off her computer creating an intimate silence in her single room apartment. “then why do you make amends to leave, I assume that’s why you turned of your computer”
“well yeah, it was our intention to buy groceries and have dinner, wasn’t it?”
“that’s true” Annie says while her eyes pierce Nicole with a craving desire.
“so what shall we do?” Nicole asks thinking ‘Oh god this can’t be true, my mind is losing me‘
“lets go the supermarket then” wincing Nicole while picking up her coat and shawl to hand it over.
“okay, just one more thing” and Nicole presses her body up to Annie, putting her arms around her and their lips together to finish what they started a few moments ago.

Since I bought my laptop in February 2007 I have been adding a lot of new music to my digital collection. I discovered most new music through myspace, bands linking eachother, and via myspace’s of labels. With most of these artists I created a crush on one special song of them, this is the list of the 50 most amazing songs I first heard in 2007!

1. Of Montreal – the past is a grotesque animal
2. Snowden – black eyes
3. Laura Veirs – spelunking
4. Keren Ann – lay your head down
5. You Say Party! We Say Die! – opportunity
6. Night Canopy – boom! it’s spring
7. Blood Red Shoes – it’s getting boring by the sea
8. Inara George – fools in love
9. Oh No! Oh My! – I love you all the time
10. St. Vincent – your lips are red
11. Alela Diane – pieces of string
12. El Perro Del Mar – this loneliness
13. Electrelane – in berlin
14. Envelopes – it is the law
15. Scanners – lowlife
16. Jesca Hoop – havoc in heaven
17. Susanna & The Magical Orchestra – love will tear us apart
18. Alina Simone – saw-edged grass
19. Erase Errata - cruising
20. The Tiny – dirty frames
21. Operator Please – just a song about ping pong
22. The Gossip – standing in the way of control
23. Broadcast – corporeal
24. M83 – a guitar and a heart
25. Division Kent – monsterproof
26. The Bastard Fairies – we’re all going to hell
27. De Novo Dahl – dinosaurs!
28. April March – chick habit
29. The Oohlas – across the stars in blue
30. Good Shoes – morden
31. The Long Blondes – only lovers left alive
32. Midnight Movies – oh twilight
33. Autolux – here comes everybody
34. Pony Up! – what’s free is yours
35. The Chalets – feel the machine
36. Dave Gahan – kingdom
37. The Pleased – we are the doctor
38. Two Ton Boa – cyanide
39. The Bird And The Bee – I hate camera
40. Wendy McNeill – such a common bird
41. The Ditty Bops – nosy neighbor
42. Silversun Pickups – common reactor
43. Peter Bjorn and John – young folks
44. Marissa Nadler – bird on your grave
45. Women And Children – virginia creepers
46. Mommy And Daddy – a good deal
47. My Latest Novel – when we were wolves
48. The Willowz – what’s wrong is right
49. White Rabbits – the plot
50. The Victorian English Gentlemens Club – stupid as wood

 I think most songs don’t originate from 2007 releases, but that wasn’t the point, was it? This is in my opinion one of the most remarkable list of songs I’ve ever put together, mostly because I’m loser at choosing best songs. Luckily my musical memory helped me a bit in finding out which song it was of certain artists that appealed most to me. Recently discovered music was a bit of a hassle, like White Rabbits, The Pleased and Marissa Nadler, that’s also why they’re lower on the list.
I’m now going to think if I can possibly think of even more music lists for 2007, maybe of certain genres… Though that would require me to find out the genres of all those artists, which won’t be easy for many of them. Ah well, I can always try.

This past year I’ve been to a number of amazing concerts of some the most wonderful, unforgettable, astonishing and divine bands and artists. This is my seen live list of 2007:

Pop Levi (February)
My Brightest Diamond (February)
Aereogramme (February)
Susanna and the Magical Orchestra (May)
Erase Errata (July)
Au Revoir Simone (July)
To My Boy (July)
You say party! We say die! (support: Appie Kim) (November)
St. Vincent (support: Windmill) (December)
Alela Diane (support: Alina Hardin) (December)

There’s only one disadvantage about going to concerts, I went on my own 80% of the time this past year. Meaning to say I didn’t find anyone to go with me, does this sound sad, it probably does. I’d love to have some more company next year, going alone doesn’t make a concert less beautiful, absolutely not. Having company makes it more of a shared experience, and I’m of the opinion that these bands I see live deserve to be seen live by a lot more people. I just don’t seem to get them along, and it would simply be ‘gezellig‘ if I had some people to come with me to live shows, having fun and buying drinks for eachother .
Alas, I’m already looking forward to 2008, though the agenda is still empty, I do believe I’ll be seeing some remarkable bands and artists next year.

I’ve met a number of people this year, over the internet and in real life, and yes the ones who’re worth mentioning will be mentioned here!

Daan and Marleen, they lead the Humanitas ‘I am myself‘-group, two very kind people. The ‘I am myself‘-group is a small support group for young transsexual adults who’re in the proces of transitioning. The two girls who’re with me in the group from the beginning are worth mentioning too, creative Barry and stylish Roshana.

Iris Judotter, this musically artistic girl from Singapore caught me on myspace and didn’t let go, now and then we chat on msn, which is always fun, exchanging music and discussing food.

Alice, I came upon her research weblog here on wordpress, left a comment, and we’ve been e-mailing since.

Elke and Hester from Dito!, these two girls lead the introduction group of which I’m a member of this LGB youth organisation. I haven’t found out which fellow group members will turn out to be worth keeping as friends, I’ll leave that to 2008.

Pauline, she was one of my colleagues at my internship at Oikocredit in Amersfoort earlier this year. She was so much fun, and delightfully cheerful. My internship supervisor at Oikocredit Ging Ledesma also deserves to be mentioned here, this very kind Philippine lady will surely be remembered for a long long time.

2007 left a number of memorable moments imprinted in my memory. I made a top 5 of which I have to admit that all took place in the second half of this year. That doesn’t mean the first half was that uneventful, events then just aren’t memorable enough to intrude on this top 5.

1. Starting my hormone therapy, October
2. Getting permission to start hormone therapy, August
3. Talking to one of my dearest friends Jessie from Chicago IL. on the phone for the first time, I was darn nervous, July
4. Barcelona holiday with Jennifer, baby Lily and Norazah, August/September
5. Turning 25, August

The end of the 2007 is near, that means it’s time to make lists.
This first list is the album top 10, of the 10 most amazing albums released this year and bought or downloaded by me.

1. Of Montreal - hissing fauna, are you the destroyer?
2. St. Vincent - marry me
3. You Say Party! We Say Die! - lose all time
4. Night Canopy - of honey and country
5. Au Revoir Simone - the bird of music
6. Interpol - our love to admire
7. Pop Levi - return to form black magick party
8. Electrelane - no shouts, no calls
9. The National - boxer
10. Silversun Pickups - carnavas

Big absentee in this list is Jesca Hoop’s Kismet, I have songs by her which I enormously like but I haven’t bought or downloaded her debut record yet. If I had done that then at least the female folk singer-songwriters would be represented in this list, but helas, Regina’s album was released in 2006, Alela’s album is a re-release and Marissa Nadler hasn’t got the chance to overwhelm me as much as the others in this top 10.
You have to admit though that women musicians are well represented in this list 7 out of 10 have female members and 5 out of 10 have female singers. Yes, I’m quite pleased with my first 2007 list.

Deux mois, two months, twee maanden, that’s one month until this hormone treatment is irreversible. One month of my mom asking me if I don’t want to quit this treatment. It makes me sad. It shows her lack of support, her lack of respect, her selfishness. I live on my own, about 40 miles north of where my parents live, so I’m in the virtuous position of not having to hear her nag about this multiple times a week. Christmas is neigh though. This Christmas will be the first time that I won’t be flat-chested­. My parents still address me by my old name, this will have to change with Christmas too. I probably won’t make it easy on them, and my mom won’t make it any easier on herself regarding her attitude. This Christmas will be special for a change, I won’t have that taken away from me. There’s no turning around for me, so there’s none of that for my parents on this issue either, especially my mom will just have to accept this.

Ah well Christmas isn’t here yet, let’s just look back at these past two weeks, shall we! Physical developments are coming along nicely. I noticed my back having become more chubby, it doesn’t need to get worse though. Yes worse, a chubby back just isn’t sexy! Seriously I much rather have firmer breasts than a chubby back. Speaking of the devils, they haven’t been causing any real itchyness anymore since the 7^th week. They can be quite sensitive at times though, so whomever hits me on my chest endangers his/her own life!!! Further down my torso I find my bellybutton disappearing into my belly, slowly but steadily it sneaks out of my view. It’s an odd but positive development. The only time when I had fat on my belly was when I was a baby. I’ve been a skinny bitch for ages, now I am a little less of a skinny bitch, though the bitch part hasn’t been proven yet. I hope I won’t be hunted out of my nicely fitting pants, already one can be disregarded for any future wearing. It has to be said though that this one wasn’t nicely fitting, but already a bit tight. I bought that one long ago when I didn’t have the increasing belly and bottom, due to hormone treatment, on my mind.

I’m trying to eat more, or should I say ‘snack more‘, to help myself gain weight. It could be that it will be fruitless, for I have always had a stable weight despite the ease with which I can consume snacks. Yes I feel guilty. And I know some people envy me, but this time I hope to gain the weight to establish a more rounded figure. Not only my back, butt and chest, but my thighs and hips surely deserve some of the benefits of femininity. My family genes might be against me. Both my mother and my sister are skinny on the hips and thighs so this skinny scenario is feasible. Although, that would leave more fat for the other parts of my body, my bottom, the lower belly, and my chest. No I’m really not in favour of having a back chubbier than it is now

Past two weeks not only showed an increase in body fat, but also an increase in number of bra’s I own. I bought my first 38A bra, sure it’s too big. This is why I also bought silicone push-up pads. Still that wasn’t enough to fill up my 38A bra. Luckily I already had some sort of invisible bra, which is also made of a sort of silicone. So with my 38AA breasts, the silicone push-up pads and the invisible bra I created my 38A breasts. It’s going to take quite a while I guess before I can fit in this new bra without any silicone help. I’m guessing the bra is meant for a full figure 38A, not that size A would give anyone a full figure.
A day after I bought the 38A bra I decided to keep my 38B bra’s in my closet for the time being. I came to the conclusion that 38A looks quite okay with my figure. So regarding going full-figured­­­₍₁₎ from January 1st 2008 I bought another 38A bra. Actually it’s the same t-shirt bra as the other I bought the day before, though this one is black. I honestly don’t have the likes for such basic bra’s, but it’s the only kind of bra which I can find in a 38A size. So I’ll be settling with these kind of bra’s for 2008  and probably most of 2009. Does it really bother me? No not the least. So the 38A bra counter is on 2 now, while my 38B bra counter is frozen on 11, though 1 really has to be discarded, being my first bra ever purchased 5 years ago. No hard feelings, but this bra is just too ugly and basic. My new t-shirt bras are far better! There, now you know it, you ugly old bra!

Now what you all haven’t been waiting for: my bra size measurement update. Woohoo, isn’t this exciting? How many millimetres do you think I have gained in 3 weeks? Well I already gave away that it’s still a size 38AA, but it’s the details that count! I have gained half a centimeter, that means my bust size is now 93.5cm, which is even more almost 37inch, to be exact it’s 36.81 inch. According to the 85B international bra size calculator I am supposed to have an 85A European size, but still a 38AA American size. I am somewhat more inclined to believe that I’m still an AA, not being able to fill up a 85A/38A bra. If the increase of half a centimeter in three weeks continues than I’ll be able to fit those new bras in 6 weeks, though that’s sheer speculation. I’ll just have to wait and see!

₍₁₎
Going full-figured means that I’ll be wearing a bra (and faking as if it’s only real breasts underneath) from that day on every day, nothing else will change about my appearance. In my own opinion I’ve been full-time since September 2007, being myself (Sophie) in all my social surroundings. My unmistakable feminine appearance hasn’t changed since the beginning of 2007 so it was only a name issue to make public among people whom I know here in Nijmegen (others were already informed). Of course people didn’t regard me as female as easy as I wanted, nobody’s perfect, also I was still too much bothered by my facial hair and the inability to hide it with casual foundation. I’m not a huge advocate of putting lots of make-up on my face, putting it all over my face is something to which I object even more. Now I have a better foundation and my facial hair is slightly less visible for the biggest part of the day, (and I will start facial hair removal soon,) this has made me less feverish of putting make-up on my entire face. This isn’t a part of being full-time nor of being full-figured in that regard, but it will be part of my daily life from January 1st on, until the hair removal has done its job.
(Wow this turned out to be quite a long foot-note!)

I wrote I would post the picture I had taken for my 2008 PT-pass after I’d have scanned it at my parents, which I just did. So here it is, don’t be shocked, it’s really close up and …uhm… because I forgot to take the originals with me it’s the cropped one from my PT-pass. That’s why most of my neck and shoulders are missing, which are visable on the original one.

Today I had my picture taken for my new public transport(PT) student pass. I wasn’t excited about having it taken and I know I’m also very critical about pictures of myself. The benefit of not having it taken for my passport was that I could put a smile on my face. Now my smile-less picture in my passport is absolutely a bad representation of myself, although I do have it on my 2007 PT student pass and my university student pass. Luckily a PT pass is only for one year and my university pass will be useless as soon as I graduate somewhere mid 2008, so I could live with that smile-less face on those passes. Now I had an oppurtunity to have my picture taken with a smile, and would be the first official one since I started my hormone treatment. There were some pictures taken with me on it at my best friends birthday party last saturday, but I haven’t seen them yet. 
It took three flashes to get the picture right, putting my chin a little down, which isn’t allowed on a passport photo, but which is a much more relaxed way to hold my head and my jawbone looks better that way. Most importantly was the smile though, on the third picture taken it all looked good enough for satisfaction. I’d love to show the picture here, but I don’t have a scanning device, that’ll have to happen when I’m at my parents 9 days from now. Honestly though I’m so happy with this picture! Okay, you can see that I still have the problem of facial hair, but truly this is the best picture in years. My hair looks okay, which was a real problem in past pictures, my smile looks good, and I don’t look too pale. If the succes is to ascribe to the effects of my hormone treatment or the woman that took the picture or just the fact that I overslept, I don’t know. If I could give out prizes to the photo’s for the purpose of some kind of identification pass of the past 5 years than this one would absolutely get a gold medal.

Here we are again, december 5th, I’m one and a half month on hormones and I’m about to tell you what happened to me these past two weeks. No exaggerations, real life experiences…. with all its unscrupulous obscenities… haha …you wish! Again nothing sensational happened in my life, maybe one day in retrospect I could come to another conclusion. If that day comes than please remind me of how I thought these past 2 weeks were trivial. *winks*

First off the physical changes are going that slowly that I hardly see the difference, the changes are really minimal to the naked eye. It’s nothing out of the ordinary, but ever since I noticed the beginning of my breast growth I kinda got obsessed to see if it were really developing. It’s stupid because I know it takes months to see real change, that’s also why I do the measuring only once a month. I know the logic, but somehow I still have to adapt to it. On the other hand, I can’t evade the sensitiveness of my nipples, it daily points me to the fact that something undeerneath is going on. Don’t know if that is the reason why the logic won’t set in, but it’s a plausible reason, don’t you think?
Well beside my chest also my behind seems to accumulate more fat, luckily my butt isn’t itching at all, that would be really too awkward.
I have to say I’m doing well at not scratching my chest area to soothe the itching, I know it doesn’t work like with a casual itch. Sometimes I do make weird moves with my upper body as if I am scratching my chest against a wall or something, it’s totally useless, but for some reason I need to give myself the feeling I’m doing something against the itching.

Last thursday I went to Amsterdam to the Free Univerity Medical Centre, where I had a bone density measurement and an appointment with my gender therapist. The bone density measurement is a standard procedure here for transsexuals who just started their hormone treatment. It is done with a röntgen device, which scanned from my hips to my breast-bone, obviously scanning my spine. It was a short procedure, so I was early for my appointment with my therapist. It was quiet in the waiting room, only one other person was sitting there, so I read some bit in a book I had with me.
The appointment itself was as most of the times quite pleasant, I talked about the physical developments, about my little situation concerning my study and a bit about my mom acting difficult and a little unreasonable about my name. I was also told that my therapist would quit treating adults, because she wanted to specialize on youth, so next appointment with her early February is our last and after that I will have a new one. I’ll easily adjust, like most of the times with changes, and I only have an appointment with my therapist once every three months during my hormone treatment, so the impact on my transition is probably neglible.

On a musical note: I’m going to see St. Vincent on saturday…. yippee ^-^

Next update on the 20th, though I’m thinking of bringing the updates down to once a month and in between discuss other experiences which do touch the subject of my transition.

I am going to see Alela Diane play live right here in Nijmegen, I’m so thrilled, especially because I won the tickets. Somehow I seem to have a way in winning tickets for concerts of the most beautiful artists, like earlier this year for Susanna and the Magical Orchestra.

The concert is later this month at a venue around the corner of the student complex I live, and hey if you like to accompany me you’re welcome, I won 2 tickets ^-^ .