Monthly Archive

There is this Australian band which I discovered somewhere back in 2006 thanks to the Dresden Dolls, they’re called The Red Paintings and they have in my opinion a unique and spectacular sound. They have a single out from their forthcoming album both titled ‘We Belong In The Sea‘. Each one of you visitors to my site should watch the video of their new single. So go on click play!

How logical is it to buy something for the purpose of keeping an eye on something about which you actually don’t need to worry? Well, when your endocrinologist asks you to then it all makes sense. My weight is something about which I never needed to worry, even now after 3 months of hormones I only gained 1 kilo (2.2lbs). So it isn’t that strange that I haven’t got a scale in my posession, is it? The thing is though that my endocrinologist is interested in my weight. I see him once every 3 months until my srs. And he wants to know my weight of the day that I visit him. And because I cannot weigh myself by any other means than with a scale, I will have to buy myself that scale. I don’t even know how expensive those things are, though I won’t be buying a fancy hip digital one, no sir. I honestly would be more pleased with a kitchen scale than with a scale to weigh myself, but my endocrinologist has kindly asked if I could weigh myself the morning of my visit to him once every three months. Thus I am so kind to do so, though since my next visit is over three months I will wait with buying that scale until a day before I go to Amsterdam to have that short chat with him. Now since I only gained 2.2lbs in 3 months since I started hormone therapy I will make a bet with myself that in 3 month I will not gain more than 2.5lbs. I am not the kind of girl who’s afraid to tell her weight, but don’t ask me my weight, I tell it when I want to! Last weekend it was approximately 152lbs, which means that on April 30th to my guess it will be 154.5lbs. So let’s wait and see, I’m already really curious y’know ^-^. Ow what’s on stake with this bet with myself? Uhh, when I’m wrong, so if I gain more than 2.5lbs then I’ll buy myself a CD of one of my fav artists and when I gain less I’ll buy myself a delicious treat! Okay, that’s settled then.

Looksy what I found in a box that was delivered to me this morning!

Don’t they look great in my hands? They look even better on my feet, here’s the proof!

It is as if they were made specially for me. I seriously never thought I’d be wearing such amazingly beautiful shoes, but today that day has come. That doesn’t mean though that I’m not still afraid to wear them outside, which could damage them, you know! Though it might not be this week, but I will have to wear them outside one day, even if I’ll have to wait until Spring, how else can I show them off?!?

Here I present you the third lyric that intensely touched the topic of my gender dysphoria, it doesn’t have the happy end as ‘Gloom‘ has, this is more about the disappointment in myself which I felt back then. Nowadays there is little reason to feel disappointed like that, a lot has changed for the better. Well here’s how it was in early 2004.

Paradox (never a queen)

She stood motionless, hoping for progress
she herself dismayed
there was no way to turn, there was no one to blame
it was her own concern
she was craving for more, while faking to be lost

She took a bite from the apple
acting as if it was poisoned
to the point she did get ill
consumed by her own guilt

She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox

She put a swan on her bed
acting as if she was bewitched
she hid herself underneath
languished by self-pity

She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox

She craves to be queen
but still . . . she believes in fairy tales
though wants . . . the happy end to fail
she’s living in paradox

She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox
She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox

What’s a princess if she’ll never be a queen??
She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox
She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox

(first written down April 2004)

This post is dedicated to one of my dearest friends, Jessie. We recently first spoke in realtime with eachother via video-IM and I’m so happy we have talked that I want to give her something. Something she can enjoy watching and listening that is. There’s one genre of music which we both like that’s the post-punk genre, so here’s some modern day post-punk bands that I discovered past year. I hope you enjoy them Jessie ^-^.

Romance - Paris is burning

Veil Veil Vanish - Midnight in the Rue Jules Verne

Blacklist - Language of the living dead

<3

Sophie

She made me promise to buy one so we could chat in a more lively way, I am a sucker for keeping my word, so what did I do?
Well, I bought a webcam! And who did I promise it?
Well that was Iris, from Singapore, also known as the artsist Iris Judotter. And we already had a very educational chat, I’m learning her how to make a good impression for when she’s here in the Netherlands. That means certain Dutch vocabulary to flirt with other girls, something in which my experience is limited, but important is that I know certain sentences in Dutch.
I am pleased to have bought that webcam, it wasn’t really planned but I won’t start regretting it. The luxury of a webcam would be starting a video-weblog, I’m hesitative about that though, I am not that amazing in front of the camera as I make people believe by what I write, honestly! So until the day that I do start making home-vids in which I speak wise words to the viewer you’ll have to do with pictures taken with the cam, like the one beneath. Another benefit could be that it could help in practicing with my voice, which I’m officially going to start next week. Why would I need to practice my voice you might ask? Well, because my voice is still too masculin, and that’s not what I’m going for in my transition.

I don’t now if it’s that positive but my first day ill last week did treat me on a fabulous purchase on the internet. Of course I have to pay for it, but I hope it’s worth it. So what did I buy? What is coming my way?
Well it’s a pair of shoes of course! These things that I can hardly find in my own size in the shoe stores over here, with some much too expensive and far too ugly exceptions of course. Yes most of them are both ugly and expensive, and not only am I a poor student I’m also fashionable. So where did I buy these shoes about which I’m so excited? Well at a slightly expensive webstore with super fashionable and somewhat strange shoes, but mine were on sale, and also the last pair, and also coincidentally in my size, and they don’t go bigger than that size at that store! The store is Irregular Choice, and I probably found it by reading some fashion magazine, it happens.
The shoes well, just look at them, do I need to tell anymore besides that I might possibly be too scared to wear, because they might get dirty??? Or that I am afraid that my clothes don’t match with them?? Nah I don’t need to tell you that, just admire them(indeed the picture shows only half of the fun) with me!

So I’m finally at the point of no return, not that I’ve ever wanted to return, but still 3 months is one of the hormone therapy landmarks. I have survived 3 months, oh how difficult that was, so those months and year hereafter probably won’t get me down either. I’m still kinda ill, the fourth day, sore throat, coughing, a snivveling nose and a diminished appetite, but I’ll survive, though my intention to get on with my study has suffered quite a bit. So what’s been going on these past two weeks, beside being ill.

Well, I’m now clearly losing the smile lines, especially those around my mouth. Is it a loss? My biggest smile was always accompanied with greatly visible smile lines. The hormones have beaten them from my face, I hope to keep what’s left now though. These smile lines were part of me, just like that big smile I could put on, that big smile will never be as overwhelming if it hadn’t any smile lines. On the other hand, it is a positive sign of the change going on due to the hormones, as I’m visibly changing and people around me are clearly noticing it. I’m stuck with the question though if these changes especially in my face will be enough to convince people that I’m not a man when they see me up close? This question will eventually be automatically answered by future experiences, but I’m quite eager to know the answer to this beforehand. That would probably spoil a lot, so for now I’m satisfied with not knowing the answer.

Something that surprised me this past month were some hot flashes, officially they aren’t side effects of the treatment, but since I only had a few within one or two weeks and none before and none after I don’t believe I have to worry about some sort of structural hormonal imbalance.

A week ago I went to Amsterdam for the Humanitas ‘I am myself‘-group session, as I am now some girls in the group were ill, so we were only with three group members and the Daan and Marleen whom lead the group. It was a very pleasant session, also the first session since I started the therapy. So I talked a bit about that and we discussed the choices made thus far in the process and the choices which we wanted to make this year.
That evening I went to Hilversum for the birthday party of my best friend’s boyfriend and one of his best friends, it was a nice evening and night out, though a bit cold and with little sleep as one could have read in the two previous post, discussing the physical consequences. 

Also since last week I’ve been trying to go out more often full-figured than before. It not only means wearing the bra, but also putting on foundation each day I go out wearing a bra. If I really want to make my RLE a succes then I need to get accustomed to do so, okay I’ll be starting the laser hair removal on my face soon, but it’ll take some time before that generates enough effect to quit using foundation. I don’t know if my breast development is going to continue as it has done the past 2 months, so as long as it is winter and as long my petite breasts don’t seem to conflict with my unfoundationed face then I can permit myself going outside for some groceries without bra and make-up. Going out shopping or for visiting friends or appointments and stuff like that I will submit myself to putting on the bra and the make up. As soon as it is summer and the temperature will make me go out without a jacket I won’t be able to permit myself to do groceries flat-style, and besides I might be full-figured enough to wear the 38A bra daily.

Since this is also a full month update I will give you the latest figures of my breast development, which will also be the last for lets say half a year? Yes, half a year sounds nice, keeping up with millimeters of progress is boring and then again are these figures really interesting? To me they might be, but because it’s not smart to compare with someone elses development during hormone therapy, due to the fact that it differs per person how and in what degree the hormone therapy affects your body. So for the sake of myself here are the figures, my bustsize is approximately 95.5cm, it’s hard to get it exact because holding the measuring tape a little bit different seems to make quite a difference sometimes. In inches that makes 37.6inch, so if I’ve held the measuring tape exactly the same both times then the increase has been 2cm or almost 0.8inch. That’s what I mean, not interesting enough, and eventually I’ll probably have breast implants to get a modest B-cup, because genetically I probably won’t get much more than just enough to fill up that 38A bra. As promised though with my 9 month HRT update I will give some numbers again, that way there’s something to really look forward too *winks*.

Today I’m not as tired as last week, and also not that ill anymore as the past few days, so I have no reason to blatently forget the ‘written‘-post which follows-up to yesterday’s post. This lyric I post here today was written in a sort of desire to escape my situation, with the goal described as something heavenly, maybe kind of cliché, but it made an interesting lyric in my opinion. So here it is.

Gloom

A desperate light bulb
flickers in a room that’s
gasping for some life where
the depravation oozes of
the walls which are deprived
of all decoration but one
painting confined in it’s
frame that’s rotting away

While I’m
Standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I’m full aware that I’ll never get to the door
standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I’m full aware that I’ll never get to the door

While looking at the scene
the astonishing beauty
of the two women who are
kissing eachother in a
classical garden serene and
uninhibited against a marble
pillar their immaculate
appearance takes me away

Though I’m
Standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I’m full aware that I’ll never get to the door
standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I’m full aware that I’ll never get to the door

Though suddenly I find
myself between flowers and
trees standing against a
marble pillar while my lips
are passionately kissing
another girl she’s of an
indescribable beauty and her
naked body entangles me

I got out of the room
but now . . . where . . . am I?
I got out of the gloom
this must be true I won’t deny

I was
Standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door
standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door

Her body softly entangles me
our hips locked together
we’re kissing uninhibitedly
our breasts tied together
her fingers caress my neck
serene and immaculate
 the gloom belongs to the past
 the gloom belongs to the past

I was
Standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door
standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door
Standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door
standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door

(first written down in August 2003)

So due to my tiredness of last sunday I entirely forgot about the promised written post, the first lyric which intensely touched my feelings on my gender dysphoria. So almost a week late, but here it is, and tomorrow I’ll post the second one as originally scheduled in my head.

(warning: these lyrics do contain faul language, …thou areth warneth!)
Fake Lashes

What am I that I confine myself like this
why do I humilliate myself like this
it’s not what I want, but I feel like a disgrace

When I see you I will not show you my face
there maybe a reason not to hide my face
what I really am, though for what I am ashamed

You see this face
I’m a distaste
 . . . . .
Behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed
behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed
behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed

Whatever you try to make me leave my cage
it is no use I am confined to this cage
my own little realm, though it feels like a prison

You see this face
I’m a distaste
 . . . . .
Behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed
behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed
behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed

I’m a distaste
make-up and fake lashes
so fucked up and abashed
I’m a distaste
make-up and fake lashes
so fucked up and abashed
I’m a distaste
make-up and fake lashes
so fucked up and abashed
fucked up and abashed, fucked up and abashed
fucked up and abashed, fucked up and abashed
fucked up and abashed, fucked up and abashed !!!!!

(first written down in June 2003)

Bah I’m ill. I thought Christmas had already treated me on my winter cold. I had no plans to get ill again within a month, but there’s nothing to change it now. This morning I woke up with sore muscles, even my fingers hurt, and not much later the coughing started. I have simply exhausted my body, the busy weekend with the unexpected colder night when I went out on Saturday, the heavy backpack filled with my laundry which I took to my parents on Monday and back home on Tuesday (I don’t have my own washing machine yet), it all pays off now. It’s a reasonable explanation, but the loss of physical strenght due to the hormones can’t be denied. That’s part of the price I pay, luckily I don’t have a head ache, that would make it even worse. I’ll have to use today and tomorrow to regain my strenght, and I absolutely need to buy such a trolly bag, carrying that laundry weight on my shoulders is clearly something of the past.
It’s time to go lie down now, bah being ill sucks.

The only thing I had to do was go to the building caretaker and ask him to change my name tag beside my doorbell. It was that easy, no bureaucratic mess, just two new name tags, one at my doorbell at the entrance to my appartment building and one at the entrance of my main hallway (which I share with 7 other tenants). I’m really happy, the doorbell now really rings for me!
I just had to share this, didn’t feel like waiting to write it down in the 3 month hormone update of next Saturday, but don’t miss it, because there’s enough left to tell.

Tonight I’m tired. It’s 7pm I just had dinner and had chocolate mousse for dessert. I love chocolate mousse. It doesn’t boost my energy though. I’m not annoyed by my tiredness. I didn’t sleep much last night, after going out with friends I went to sleep at about 6am possibly later and woke up at noon. Six hours isn’t enough for me especially when it’s the second night not in my own bed. Is my tiredness entirely due to this, or is it mostly caused by my hormone treatment? Yes my hormone treatment can cause (sudden) tiredness as side-efffect. I have recently been noticing my tiredness at moments uncommon in the past (before hrt). Thus far I don’t know in what way it will be messing with my life, because it hasn’t got that bad that I had to cancel some social activities. I do have to watch to not cancel appointments too often, because then I’ll loose what I’ve been building up since last year, a lively social life. I do want it to get even better though, going out more, but somehow the people I meet aren’t the type of people to go out much. I wish I were more often tired after a nice night out with great music and dancing and chatting all night, something which hasn’t happened last year. I went out a couple of times but not that way, the music sucked or it was a casual night out with mostly chatting with friends. Now and then chatting all night is nice, I’m not that talkative though to amsuse myself that way an entire evening.
I was talking about tiredness though, in the past it helped to drink or eat something to beat the tiredness, especially a cup of tea at 9pm does a nice job. If it is as effective as back then, I doubt it. Most days of course aren’t interrupted by tiredness, but it’s getting more apparent that those other days my tiredness is getting the best of me, which means sleep! I normally need more than 8 hours of sleep, of course I can cope with less but I’m at my best with 8 to 9 hours of sleep. The problem is that I hardly get it as regularly as is good for me, one day I sleep 6 hours the other 10. Such sleeping patterns aren’t in my own benefit, but I’ve been handling it this way for the past 6 years, but now I really have to get out of it, even if it means a month of tiredness to end my sleeping deficit. I like to sleep, I love my bed, I almost always have pleasant dreams. Sleeping has to be good for my energy and concentration when i’m awake, but as it is now that doesn’t seem to work. I can be tired all through a day when I wake up too late, end up having done nothing.
Tonight I’m tired because what I mentioned in the beginning, to fight my tiredness mustn’t mean to not go out anymore. As I said, I like to go out, with the right music to dance to of course. Tonight I’m tired though, so I’ll go to bed early, having said that won’t mean I’ll be actually doing it, but my tiredness seems to be resolute so I trust my own words.
This post was quite nonsense, but I just felt like writing something, though expect to read more interesting posts these next few weeks. There’s a prose idea in my mind and next saturday is my 3 months on hormones post.

Sleep tight.

In a certain Dutch forum someone posted the following opinion (translated from Dutch):
She first points out an observation, there are certain transsexuals (male-to female) who wanted to have there semen frozen in to use it after they’ve fully transitioned to impregnate their (female) partner.
The following is her opinion on this:
“No I just can’t put my mind to it ….wanting to be a woman and at the same time still reproducing as a man????!!!!
I found that very strange …….what surprised me even more is that these people see it as their absolute right(you know like in human rights and things like that) to reproduce with their male seed after they’ve finished transitioning. Go try and do that as a genetic (lesbian) woman ….impregnating your female partner with your own semen ……
Human rights they called it, but there is no other woman who can impregnate another woman with her own sperm.
In my opinion that counts as ‘extra’ rights for male-to-female transsexuals.“
She continued in a later post in the same topic:
“In a purely legal point of view the transwoman who’s become legally a woman will still be the legal father of ‘her’ child. You will have a woman who needs to acknowledge paternity of the child ……very awkward if you ask me.
ALSO totally not logical.“

What is this discussion and close-minded opinion to me? Well I am a male-to-female(M2F) transsexual (still pre-op) who has chosen to have semen frozen in for later use when I want to have children of my own. To a mild degree I take offence of this opinion. Although this opinion is badly argued and seems to be the mere result of a negative sentiment towards M2F’s who don’t discard all the aspects of what’s presumed to represent biological masculinity. I could tell you more about the person who posted this opinion on that particular forum, but I find it of no interest to do so. I will make my point here, because I think I have a point and a right.

I wanted to have children when I would be adult and in a relationship already before I was a aware of my gender dysphoria, which was before the age of 10. This wish didn’t go away, but the more I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to be a male adult the more I was afraid that it would never happen. Somewhere just before starting my gradual pre-hormone transition I found out that there would always be the possibility to have my semen frozen in, I sticked to this and so I did that just before I started my hormone treatment.
I had a fully male body for over 25 years, only capable to reproduce in the biologically male manner. As soon as I would become legally a woman after srs I wouldn’t be capable of any reproduction at all. This would mean a loss to me because I deeply desire to have children of my own. And although I will become a woman I will not be able to bare a child, even though I would really want to, in that sense I will not differ from biological women who’re infertile. Though do I have to condemn myself to a childless future? Okay there’s always the possibilities of an anonymous sperm donor or worse, adoption. The semen which is now being preserved in 21 straws at the fertility department of the nearby hospital is my only option to have children of my own. Yes the semen is the product of the fact that I was born male, and yes this bodily product has disgusted me many many times. The fact that the organ which produces it and the semen itself disgust me, doesn’t make me give up my wish to have children of my own. The benefit of having been a fertile man is that I can have children of my own, and I have to be realistic I need that semen to have children carrying my genes. I would be a fool to give that up and become an infertile woman who’ll never have children of her own. The person who posted that opinion above is not like me a lesbian, in my view that makes a big difference. When you become a heterosexual woman after transition then you’ll have no use of having semen from your male past frozen in for later reproductive use. I wish it were possible for M2F to ovulate and become pregnant , if that was possible then I would probably not have chosen to  contain semen. Fact is, it isn’t possible, and there’s no one else beside me to judge if I’m allowed to have children of my own or not! And I truly believe that if a lesbian couple would be able to have children carrying both their genes without needing an anonymous sperm donor then they would do so. I presume I will get in this situation one day, that day I will make use of what once my reproductive organ produced and after 9 months I will hold a child who not only resembles my partner but also me. And that is what is the issue here! I would do anything to make that happen, I’m that passionate about it, and anything meant jerking that horrible thing between my legs in disgust. In my opinion that semen doesn’t resemble my biological masculinity, but one half of the children I will one day hold in my arms!
And I can agree with those people whom see this as their right to have semen frozen in for later reproductive use. As they have like everybody in the world the right of family life. That right is used by those who visit fertility clinics and those whom adopt a child from somewhere else in the world. My right for family life is unseparable from the possibilities to have a family life, that possibility is in my case having my semen frozen in before I started hormone treatment. I differ from infertile women for having that possibility, but isn’t it so that I already differ from biological women because I wasn’t born a woman? I think so, that might lead to the discussion if I will really be a woman after srs as you might think of what a M2F desires. That discussion isn’t the issue here, but I can be short on it, for me it’s about being myself and not about being a woman.
As soon as my semen has lead to a pregnancy of my partner and subsequently the birth of a child I will become her/his parent and one of her/his two mothers. To assume that the fact that I delivered the semen makes me the father is a short-sighted assumption. I don’t know the exact laws on this here in the Netherlands, but it is hard to believe that a person who’s legally a woman can become legally a father which is only possible for men. Also, when a child is born from a donor father in a lesbian relationship than the woman who hasn’t carried the child can become legal parent. Also the sperm donor is never a legal parent, nor a legal father, only the biological father. In my case I will be the biological father which might be documented somewhere but isn’t of interest in daily life, what is visible to the child and to its surroundings is that I am her/his mother. Though like with two mothers in a lesbian relationship there is one whom has carried the child. I will not have a double position, because in the relationship with my child I can only be her/his mother and in no way a father because I am not a man and have no intention to take the gender specific father role within my future family. If I need to accept paternity of my child because the law asks this of me then I there is always the choice of going to court, in the mean time I can become legal caretaker of the child, because the chance that will be opposed by anyone is negligible as in I will still have a legally registered relationship with the mother of the child, my partner. And as that this option is possible in a lesbian marriage and contracted relationship then this option is equally possible for me and my partner as long as my biological parenthood isn’t legally accepted. The question is if I will really oppose to having to accept legal paternity, it’s merely a formality. The question arises about how the child will handle this situation, and in my opinion a child will more easily handle having his/her two biological parents as legal parents than when one biological parent is an anonymous donor.
If you have any well argued opinions which can refute what I’ve written here, then I certainly like to hear them.

For whom has read this entirely, a sincere thank you!

My little sister mailed me some pictures taken with Christmas, and well because these are the first real pictures of me after starting my hormone treatment I went to compare my face with how I looked before. The silly thing is that I could hardly find pictures of me on my laptop in which I hold my head similar to the way I hold my head in the best frontal picture among those Christmas pictures. I found one, in which I look really horrid, so be glad that I post it here, normally I wouldn’t post it, though now I look better in this Christmas picture either way… ghehehe.

October 2006                December 2007
1 year before start-      2 months after starting HRT
ing HRT 

(My apologies for the closed eyes in the Christmas picture, sadly enough I have a thing for having closed eyes when pictures are being taken. And indeed the quality of the Christmas picture isn’t admirable, due to some problem with the camera)

Just now I was browsing through the lyrics I’ve written, I wrote most of them years ago. Between 2000 and 2005 I’ve written at least 60 lyrics. Most of them have never seen anyone else’s eyes besides mine, of course I would have liked to bring my creativity to a higher musical level, it never happened. I mostly wrote those lyrics to vent all sorts of frustration, in the beginning about societal issues and the desire to fall in love though struggling with a lack of self esteem, as soon as I got a relationship in 2001 the issues changed becoming more positive and as soon as the relationship ended in 2003 the lyrics got really dark. Eventually my inspiration fell short I had overcome the loss and had already written about the struggles which kept me occupied from 2004 onwards. An interesting thing is that I have hardly touched the topic of my gender dysphoria before 2003, and when I had made my choice to gradually transition the lyrics about it we’re mostly telling that I was at the point to begin a change in my life. Somehow it hasn’t been something about which I could write many intense lyrics like with the grieve after a break up and the general disappointments about my life. Only three lyrics intensely touch the topic of my gender dysphoria, two written down in 2003, the first a few months before I became single again, the second a month after, and the other in early 2004. The first one isn’t that good though it might appeal to people whom feel imprisoned in their own lives, the other ones are in my opinion of a better quality, especially regarding the metaphors in it. In the period after that last lyric I not only lost a lot of inspiration but also the need to write about my feelings in this way kind of slipped away from me. Eventually I wrote my last lyric touching this topic late 2005, back then I had already been writing a whole less lyrics. That one has a lot of disappointment in it especially about the difficulties I met back then and the idea that I wasn’t getting anywhere regarding my gender dysphoria. It is in my opinion one of the best ones I have ever written, and I’m extremely proud of it. These past 2 years I’ve hardly been creative although I’d really like to, and if I ever get my creativity out I doubt that it will be with lyrics. I want to continue with short stories like the one I wrote last week but I’m also thinking about drawing/sketching.
These next 4 weeks I will post each Sunday one of the four lyrics mentioned here, starting next week with the one I wrote in June 2003 titled ‘Fake Lashes‘.

I would almost be telling that these past two weeks were uneventful, but I’d be a terrible liar if I said so. There was my sisters birthday, Christmas, having my first appointment for laser hairremoval, I went to see ‘Alles is liefde‘ at the LUX-cinema with Kirstin, new years eve, and the Dito! group getting together yesterday where I told about my coming out. Sounds like enough events to be speaking of 2 eventful weeks, but I was thinking in hormonal events, and I have to disappoint you there. I had no huge moodswings, sudden tiredness nor did I get a b-cup overnight. I’m so disappointed, really, I feel abandoned by my hormones! No seriously there was little to expect hormonally and my expectations weren’t wrong. Of course there were things that I noticed, my pants fitting better, at least tighter, which still is positive as long as they still fit that is. There’s no bra-size update this post, but I can say that things still seem to improve, though having a-cup bra’s does stir up my impatience to fit them by myself. It’s far out of reach in the short term, even if the bra-calculator claims I have a real a-cup. More on this in the next transition-update post, woohoo that’ll be three months, the point of no return. Before that important moment arrives I will now first tell you something about those real events keeping me busy lately.
Like Christmas, because my mom was demanding a date on which she should start calling me Sophie and not by my old name anymore I came up with the first day of Christmas, and she accepted it. She hasn’t really given up on her argument that she has been calling me by birth name for 25 years which makes it difficult for her and that the name ‘Sophie’ doesn’t appeal to her. Well I have little message to that, because it honestly took some time to get used to my new name myself, and I didn’t come back on my decision for that reason. My mom will just have to accept the name and she’ll get used to it, as long as she doesn’t keep opposing it that is, because she’d make it herself very difficult that way. She did her best though with Christmas and kep it up when I was home on new years day.
With Christmas I also dressed full-figured for the first time at my parents and they took it well, no awkward comments. I hope to get at least one picture up here as soon as I get my hands on them. I wore one of my nicest dresses, also something in which my family has never seen me. So Christmas turned out to be special for me and possibly for my parents, brother, and sister too.
New Years Eve wasn’t really special though, as to the fact that it was a small company with whom I spend the night and that it was the first time I was there as Sophie as such. It was a fine evening/night, and I’m glad that I spend it with my best friend, Sabrina. Next year I will have to think of some other company/location to celebrate the new year, not only because my best friend will be spending it with another one of her best friends, but also because it’s good to for once celebrate it with people whom I’ve met on campus. Maybe for the first time in 5 years I could be spending it with somebody really special to me, I might already know her, though maybe not, the point is that it would amazingly wonderful if that could come true!
Besides these December festivities no other events came to be, I did some babysitting, wrote an “arousing” short story, talked about my coming out at yesterday’s Dito! introduction group gathering, went to dinner with them afterwards and I’ve been consumed by the thought of next week’s date with Anne. Those aren’t real events but they kept me occupied, though I sure hope that my study will also keep me occupied these next months or else I won’t see myself graduate before the end of this new year, and I’m not eager for a repeat of last year’s disappointment regarding my study. This hasn’t much to do with transitioning, but I believed in myself when I told myself and others that I could transition and graduate in the same year, so I’ll have to make that come true and I will!

“wait don’t lick it off your lip” with the tip of her tongue Annie licked the last bit of chocolate mousse from Nicole’s mouth, finishing with a little bite on her lower lip. Nicole put her dessert bowl down “well this really has to reprimanded, or else you’ll have to be there when I have dessert every single time!” Nicole grinned and turned herself over on the black leather couch kneeling her legs besides Annie’s thighs to face her willing victim. Though eager to receive Nicole’s love Annie put her finger on Nicole’s lips “patience my dear, we first have to do the dishes”. Nicole slid of Annie’s lap pulling her up too, “okay, if your dessert can wait?”
“well I always save the best for last” she winked and took Nicole’s hand in her right hand and the two dessert bowls in her left hand, then they walked to the kitchen, crossing the badly lit hallway again.
They survived doing dishes, despite the mutual teasing. Though before Nicole could set foot in the hallway once more Annie wrapped her left arm around Nicole from behind her, and softly she blew in her neck just below her right ear. Nicole immediately got goose-pimples all over again and she felt like melting away in Annie’s gentle grip. “hey what’s keeping you up?” Annie teased letting go of Nicole. “ah no way!” Nicole astounded “this is it” with her eyes filled with desire she grabbed Annie’s left wrist and pulled her into her room.
“am I getting my dessert now?” Annie clearly wasn’t finished with teasing Nicole.
“oh you sure will! you want it with or without a cherry?”
“with a cherry!” Annie cheerfully exclaimed.
“you do know what you’re asking for, don’t you?” Nicole asked with a romantically mean stare.
“oh bu…” before Annie could make her answer she had Nicole kissing her neck and then softly suckling her ear lobe. She slid her right hand beneath Annie’s sweater caressing her bare back for the first time. It felt warm and the downy hairs on Annie’s lower back tickled the palm of Nicole’s hand. Nicole turned around holding Annie to let herself fall onto the bed with Annie on top of her. Nicole paused to look at Annie, so they intensely looked each other in the eyes for a short while. Pondering about where to kiss Annie next Nicole was ravishingly interrupted, in no time Annie right hand has disappeared underneath Nicole’s top and had found a nipple to be pinched. It released a squeaking moan from Nicole’s lips, to be silenced by Annie’s tongue going into Nicole’s mouth and curling around the tongue it there encountered. All intent to think had left Nicole’s mind and she was now an instrument of desire, feeling every spur Annie instigated going through her entire body. The two girls went on for more than an hour and found each other lying face to face on the double bed with only their knickers on, staring in each others eyes beaming with love for one another. “do you want to watch a movie?” Annie asked. “I believe you do” Nicole grinned “yes let’s watch a movie”.
Annie stood up and pulled the blanket off the bed, handing it over to Nicole. She went to sit on the couch wrapping the blanket around her. Annie joined Nicole on the couch with the dvd-remote in her hand after she’d put a disc into the dvd-player. “what’s it going to be?” Nicole asked while her right hand caressed Annie’s inner thigh. With difficulty Annie answered “Aimée & Jaguar”. She came to grips after a short moan inside her mouth “have you ever seen it?” “I have” Nicole replied “though that’s absolutely no reason not to watch it again” and she gave Annie, who started the film, a kiss on her left cheek.

Nicole opened her eyes, the first credits ran over the tv screen, Annie was lying in her arms, still asleep. Her curls tickled Nicole’s chest like the most soft wool sweater she could ever imagine. This had turned out to be an unforgettable day, something Nicole only had fantasized about before Annie had given her that little kiss at the door of the main hallway, 10 meters away from their first intimate kiss at Nicole’s own front door. Nicole could hardly believe all that happened after that, but it was all true, it had happened and quite possibly had changed her life. An immense feeling of happiness came over Nicole, feeling the warmth of Annie’s body running through her veins. She kissed Annie’s naked shoulder and closed her eyes again to fall asleep holding the most beautiful girl of the world in her arms.

~ FIN ~

I hope you enjoyed reading this short story trilogy (you’ll find links to part 1 and 2 here). I’d love to read your thoughts on my story, any feedack will do.love,
Sophie en rêve