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There is this Australian band which I discovered somewhere back in 2006 thanks to the Dresden Dolls, they’re called The Red Paintings and they have in my opinion a unique and spectacular sound. They have a single out from their forthcoming album both titled ‘We Belong In The Sea‘. Each one of you visitors to my site should watch the video of their new single. So go on click play!
How logical is it to buy something for the purpose of keeping an eye on something about which you actually don’t need to worry? Well, when your endocrinologist asks you to then it all makes sense. My weight is something about which I never needed to worry, even now after 3 months of hormones I only gained 1 kilo (2.2lbs). So it isn’t that strange that I haven’t got a scale in my posession, is it? The thing is though that my endocrinologist is interested in my weight. I see him once every 3 months until my srs. And he wants to know my weight of the day that I visit him. And because I cannot weigh myself by any other means than with a scale, I will have to buy myself that scale. I don’t even know how expensive those things are, though I won’t be buying a fancy hip digital one, no sir. I honestly would be more pleased with a kitchen scale than with a scale to weigh myself, but my endocrinologist has kindly asked if I could weigh myself the morning of my visit to him once every three months. Thus I am so kind to do so, though since my next visit is over three months I will wait with buying that scale until a day before I go to Amsterdam to have that short chat with him. Now since I only gained 2.2lbs in 3 months since I started hormone therapy I will make a bet with myself that in 3 month I will not gain more than 2.5lbs. I am not the kind of girl who’s afraid to tell her weight, but don’t ask me my weight, I tell it when I want to! Last weekend it was approximately 152lbs, which means that on April 30th to my guess it will be 154.5lbs. So let’s wait and see, I’m already really curious y’know ^-^. Ow what’s on stake with this bet with myself? Uhh, when I’m wrong, so if I gain more than 2.5lbs then I’ll buy myself a CD of one of my fav artists and when I gain less I’ll buy myself a delicious treat! Okay, that’s settled then.
Here I present you the third lyric that intensely touched the topic of my gender dysphoria, it doesn’t have the happy end as ‘Gloom‘ has, this is more about the disappointment in myself which I felt back then. Nowadays there is little reason to feel disappointed like that, a lot has changed for the better. Well here’s how it was in early 2004.
Paradox (never a queen)
She stood motionless, hoping for progress
she herself dismayed
there was no way to turn, there was no one to blame
it was her own concern
she was craving for more, while faking to be lost
She took a bite from the apple
acting as if it was poisoned
to the point she did get ill
consumed by her own guilt
She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox
She put a swan on her bed
acting as if she was bewitched
she hid herself underneath
languished by self-pity
She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox
She craves to be queen
but still . . . she believes in fairy tales
though wants . . . the happy end to fail
she’s living in paradox
She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox
She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox
What’s a princess if she’ll never be a queen??
She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox
She’s living in paradox
she’ll never be a queen
fairy tales won’t get her anywhere
Lacking all persistence
she craves to be queen
she’s living in paradox
(first written down April 2004)
This post is dedicated to one of my dearest friends, Jessie. We recently first spoke in realtime with eachother via video-IM and I’m so happy we have talked that I want to give her something. Something she can enjoy watching and listening that is. There’s one genre of music which we both like that’s the post-punk genre, so here’s some modern day post-punk bands that I discovered past year. I hope you enjoy them Jessie ^-^.
Romance – Paris is burning
Veil Veil Vanish – Midnight in the Rue Jules Verne
Blacklist – Language of the living dead
<3
Sophie
She made me promise to buy one so we could chat in a more lively way, I am a sucker for keeping my word, so what did I do?
Well, I bought a webcam! And who did I promise it?
Well that was Iris, from Singapore, also known as the artsist Iris Judotter. And we already had a very educational chat, I’m learning her how to make a good impression for when she’s here in the Netherlands. That means certain Dutch vocabulary to flirt with other girls, something in which my experience is limited, but important is that I know certain sentences in Dutch.
I am pleased to have bought that webcam, it wasn’t really planned but I won’t start regretting it. The luxury of a webcam would be starting a video-weblog, I’m hesitative about that though, I am not that amazing in front of the camera as I make people believe by what I write, honestly! So until the day that I do start making home-vids in which I speak wise words to the viewer you’ll have to do with pictures taken with the cam, like the one beneath. Another benefit could be that it could help in practicing with my voice, which I’m officially going to start next week. Why would I need to practice my voice you might ask? Well, because my voice is still too masculin, and that’s not what I’m going for in my transition.
I don’t now if it’s that positive but my first day ill last week did treat me on a fabulous purchase on the internet. Of course I have to pay for it, but I hope it’s worth it. So what did I buy? What is coming my way?
Well it’s a pair of shoes of course! These things that I can hardly find in my own size in the shoe stores over here, with some much too expensive and far too ugly exceptions of course. Yes most of them are both ugly and expensive, and not only am I a poor student I’m also fashionable. So where did I buy these shoes about which I’m so excited? Well at a slightly expensive webstore with super fashionable and somewhat strange shoes, but mine were on sale, and also the last pair, and also coincidentally in my size, and they don’t go bigger than that size at that store! The store is Irregular Choice, and I probably found it by reading some fashion magazine, it happens.
The shoes well, just look at them, do I need to tell anymore besides that I might possibly be too scared to wear, because they might get dirty??? Or that I am afraid that my clothes don’t match with them?? Nah I don’t need to tell you that, just admire them(indeed the picture shows only half of the fun) with me!
So I’m finally at the point of no return, not that I’ve ever wanted to return, but still 3 months is one of the hormone therapy landmarks. I have survived 3 months, oh how difficult that was, so those months and year hereafter probably won’t get me down either. I’m still kinda ill, the fourth day, sore throat, coughing, a snivveling nose and a diminished appetite, but I’ll survive, though my intention to get on with my study has suffered quite a bit. So what’s been going on these past two weeks, beside being ill.
Well, I’m now clearly losing the smile lines, especially those around my mouth. Is it a loss? My biggest smile was always accompanied with greatly visible smile lines. The hormones have beaten them from my face, I hope to keep what’s left now though. These smile lines were part of me, just like that big smile I could put on, that big smile will never be as overwhelming if it hadn’t any smile lines. On the other hand, it is a positive sign of the change going on due to the hormones, as I’m visibly changing and people around me are clearly noticing it. I’m stuck with the question though if these changes especially in my face will be enough to convince people that I’m not a man when they see me up close? This question will eventually be automatically answered by future experiences, but I’m quite eager to know the answer to this beforehand. That would probably spoil a lot, so for now I’m satisfied with not knowing the answer.
Something that surprised me this past month were some hot flashes, officially they aren’t side effects of the treatment, but since I only had a few within one or two weeks and none before and none after I don’t believe I have to worry about some sort of structural hormonal imbalance.
A week ago I went to Amsterdam for the Humanitas ‘I am myself‘-group session, as I am now some girls in the group were ill, so we were only with three group members and the Daan and Marleen whom lead the group. It was a very pleasant session, also the first session since I started the therapy. So I talked a bit about that and we discussed the choices made thus far in the process and the choices which we wanted to make this year.
That evening I went to Hilversum for the birthday party of my best friend’s boyfriend and one of his best friends, it was a nice evening and night out, though a bit cold and with little sleep as one could have read in the two previous post, discussing the physical consequences.
Also since last week I’ve been trying to go out more often full-figured than before. It not only means wearing the bra, but also putting on foundation each day I go out wearing a bra. If I really want to make my RLE a succes then I need to get accustomed to do so, okay I’ll be starting the laser hair removal on my face soon, but it’ll take some time before that generates enough effect to quit using foundation. I don’t know if my breast development is going to continue as it has done the past 2 months, so as long as it is winter and as long my petite breasts don’t seem to conflict with my unfoundationed face then I can permit myself going outside for some groceries without bra and make-up. Going out shopping or for visiting friends or appointments and stuff like that I will submit myself to putting on the bra and the make up. As soon as it is summer and the temperature will make me go out without a jacket I won’t be able to permit myself to do groceries flat-style, and besides I might be full-figured enough to wear the 38A bra daily.
Since this is also a full month update I will give you the latest figures of my breast development, which will also be the last for lets say half a year? Yes, half a year sounds nice, keeping up with millimeters of progress is boring and then again are these figures really interesting? To me they might be, but because it’s not smart to compare with someone elses development during hormone therapy, due to the fact that it differs per person how and in what degree the hormone therapy affects your body. So for the sake of myself here are the figures, my bustsize is approximately 95.5cm, it’s hard to get it exact because holding the measuring tape a little bit different seems to make quite a difference sometimes. In inches that makes 37.6inch, so if I’ve held the measuring tape exactly the same both times then the increase has been 2cm or almost 0.8inch. That’s what I mean, not interesting enough, and eventually I’ll probably have breast implants to get a modest B-cup, because genetically I probably won’t get much more than just enough to fill up that 38A bra. As promised though with my 9 month HRT update I will give some numbers again, that way there’s something to really look forward too *winks*.
Today I’m not as tired as last week, and also not that ill anymore as the past few days, so I have no reason to blatently forget the ‘written‘-post which follows-up to yesterday’s post. This lyric I post here today was written in a sort of desire to escape my situation, with the goal described as something heavenly, maybe kind of cliché, but it made an interesting lyric in my opinion. So here it is.
Gloom
A desperate light bulb
flickers in a room that’s
gasping for some life where
the depravation oozes of
the walls which are deprived
of all decoration but one
painting confined in it’s
frame that’s rotting away
While I’m
Standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I’m full aware that I’ll never get to the door
standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I’m full aware that I’ll never get to the door
While looking at the scene
the astonishing beauty
of the two women who are
kissing eachother in a
classical garden serene and
uninhibited against a marble
pillar their immaculate
appearance takes me away
Though I’m
Standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I’m full aware that I’ll never get to the door
standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I’m full aware that I’ll never get to the door
Though suddenly I find
myself between flowers and
trees standing against a
marble pillar while my lips
are passionately kissing
another girl she’s of an
indescribable beauty and her
naked body entangles me
I got out of the room
but now . . . where . . . am I?
I got out of the gloom
this must be true I won’t deny
I was
Standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door
standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door
Her body softly entangles me
our hips locked together
we’re kissing uninhibitedly
our breasts tied together
her fingers caress my neck
serene and immaculate
the gloom belongs to the past
the gloom belongs to the past
I was
Standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door
standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door
Standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door
standing in there with my feet nailed to the floor
I was full aware that I’d never get to the door
(first written down in August 2003)
So due to my tiredness of last sunday I entirely forgot about the promised written post, the first lyric which intensely touched my feelings on my gender dysphoria. So almost a week late, but here it is, and tomorrow I’ll post the second one as originally scheduled in my head.
(warning: these lyrics do contain faul language, …thou areth warneth!)
Fake Lashes
What am I that I confine myself like this
why do I humilliate myself like this
it’s not what I want, but I feel like a disgrace
When I see you I will not show you my face
there maybe a reason not to hide my face
what I really am, though for what I am ashamed
You see this face
I’m a distaste
. . . . .
Behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed
behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed
behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed
Whatever you try to make me leave my cage
it is no use I am confined to this cage
my own little realm, though it feels like a prison
You see this face
I’m a distaste
. . . . .
Behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed
behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed
behind the make-up and fake lashes
I feel so fucked-up and abashed
I’m a distaste
make-up and fake lashes
so fucked up and abashed
I’m a distaste
make-up and fake lashes
so fucked up and abashed
I’m a distaste
make-up and fake lashes
so fucked up and abashed
fucked up and abashed, fucked up and abashed
fucked up and abashed, fucked up and abashed
fucked up and abashed, fucked up and abashed !!!!!
(first written down in June 2003)
Bah I’m ill. I thought Christmas had already treated me on my winter cold. I had no plans to get ill again within a month, but there’s nothing to change it now. This morning I woke up with sore muscles, even my fingers hurt, and not much later the coughing started. I have simply exhausted my body, the busy weekend with the unexpected colder night when I went out on Saturday, the heavy backpack filled with my laundry which I took to my parents on Monday and back home on Tuesday (I don’t have my own washing machine yet), it all pays off now. It’s a reasonable explanation, but the loss of physical strenght due to the hormones can’t be denied. That’s part of the price I pay, luckily I don’t have a head ache, that would make it even worse. I’ll have to use today and tomorrow to regain my strenght, and I absolutely need to buy such a trolly bag, carrying that laundry weight on my shoulders is clearly something of the past.
It’s time to go lie down now, bah being ill sucks.
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