Monthly Archive

My gawth, she’s excited. I never knew I could mean that much to someone whom has never been able to touch the tip of my nose, simply because of the sheer distance and the body of water between us. Jessie wants to visit me for a whole month in December, yes that’s still 9 months from now, but that doesn’t mean the both of us can’t be horribly excited! I’ll take her to the Boijmans Van Beuningen museum in Rotterdam, to the Rijksmuseum and Tropenmuseum in Amsterdam, to Paradiso for a concert hopefully, to see my brother in Utrecht, my best friend Sabrina in Venlo and for Christmas we’ll probably be at my parents.
Most of all she’ll see me and I’ll see her, we’ll hug and act goofy and spent time making breakfast and diner for one another. If I schedule my university graduation correctly she can even attend that and we’ll be the two weird girls who’ve never heard of a dresscode. She’ll kiss me under the mistletoe and she’ll be my newyear’s kiss. Don’t think too much behind it though, best friends having the chance to meet eachother after 4 years just do these kind of innocent things. Of course I shouldn’t forget about how she’ll embarrass me by exclaiming nasty statements in Dutch, and it’ll be all my own fault because I taught her a bit of Dutch. For one wintery month long she won’t need to be cold in the room she lives, though she’ll sleep on a couch and will have to miss the bells hanging from her bed in Chicago.
We’ll spend time in silence with each other, we’ll spend time talking loud and blissfully with each other. We’lll spend time looking for each other in the supermarket because one of us ran of to the asian food section or the other to the dessert section, we’ll spend time buying tofu and seaweed and making food for the other the maker won’t have herself. And if it snows that month we’ll go out to make snow-angels, and if it rains we’ll hide under my umbrella fighting for whom decides on which direction we’ll go.
With the whole of my heart I hope this will all come to be.

Though, by then some things will be different, not only both of our summer birthdays will have passed, she’ll have finished her first year of college with great grades, I’ll probably have finished my university eduction. For me my transition will have lead to some changes, physically I’ll have bigger breasts (if I’m lucky a small b-cup…woohoo), I’ll have lost most of the nasty body hair because of the hormones, and much of my facial hair by professional hair removal, I’ll have my adam’s apple reduced surgically (i’m hoping), who knows I might have a new hairstyle, and finally I’ll have my name officially changed.
As a person I will hardly be any different from how I’m now, modern techniques make it possible for us not to miss out on what we’re both going through this year. December still sounds far away and I shouldn’t forget about all the other stuff in my life, life will be good, even if December would be spent without Jessie life will be good, because we’ll meet one day, which I promise, for I love her to be part of my life as my much as I love my own heart to beat. She could have run away from me with ease, even without physically cutting the wire of my internet connection, she hasn’t and neither have I, that makes our friendship in these for both of us difficult years really special to me.

I’ll meet you in December, dearest Jessiebee.

Are my feelings for her as real as they would be for someone I could sit next to, physically? Or are part of my feelings imagined, unrealistic? Am I picturing those feelings onto her even though I know these feelings are not mature enough to make such an impact on me? It’s really starting to trouble me. I honestly missed her past week, and she can make me horribly insecure, it doesn’t happen on purpose, it’s part of the way we communicate. The internet is flawed, it has made it possible for me to meet a wonderfully amazing person, but its ways feed my insecurity far more than in real-life contact, something I never show to any of the people whom I know over the internet. This flaw of the internet bites my feelings like a hyena’s jaw of rationality. It won’t let go of me, or I am rational towards my feelings with the internet flaw as my greatest argument and keep feeling troubled all through our contact, or I give in to my feelings and risk a hard slap of reality when her feelings don’t seem to match mine. That risk, am I willing to take it with the ultimate consequence of losing her.
We’re far apart, literally, but apart from a few intermissions we steadily grew towards each other. I was part of her late puberty, she’s now a lady. She was part of my difficult twenty-something years, now I’m becoming a lady too, though a twenty-something lady going thirty. All I know about her is what she told me and what she writes on her personal spaces on the web, and sometimes I forget that it’s the same the other way around. After more than three years of knowing each other we can only know what we’ve shown to each other, until a month ago I didn’t really know how she’d act in real conversations. Within a month I’ve already grown accustomed to her behavior, as if those 3 years before that did prepare me for talking to her in real-time. It feels like our relationship naturally evolved, as if it was the right time to start having our chitchats over the webcam. It does show that our relationship is something we’re both dedicated too. Then why does she still make me insecure you might ask.
Our relationship is a strong long-lasting friendship, as true as a friendship over the web can get. We love each other as friends, I can’t deny that. She’s been clear about not having a long distance relationship, she’s never mentioned in the context to our friendship, but it’s clear we won’t go beyond friendship. I agree with her opinion, having a long-distance relationship is a no-go area. It’s my own opinion, and I have my own arguments to keep to my opinion. What I do have is feelings, like I really missed her this past week. What I also have is an inability to figure out my real feelings, both of us said things in the past and recently which don’t concur with something which is solely a true long-lasting friendship. I don’t know to which degree her comments were realistic or playful and I don’t even know it about my own feelings. The only thing I know is that I wouldn’t dismiss the possibility of giving in to larger feelings if the situation was right for it.
This whole discussion with myself does make me emotional, with a bit of sadness surrounding it. Despite being on a hormone treatment I’m still in control of my emotions to prevent me from crying, something I evolved in my last years of secondary school (comparable to high school). I have no idea what to do with my emotions, one thing which could solve it would be that I’d find the love of my life right here where I can touch and sit next to that person. It would be one possibility, an other possibility could be meeting her and finding out how we’d really interact with each other. That possibility is in a way a step in our friendship which can’t be prevented, to be honest. She wants to meet me, which makes me awfully happy, but it’s awfully scary too. I could be me as I always am, holding myself back and being overly kind, to do so could be a big mistake. Acting that way would prevent testing real interaction, it would be giving in to a fear of intimacy. There are the rational reasons of preventing intimacy with her, there’s the emotional reasons of letting the intimacy into our relationship at least to a slight degree. Usually I don’t give in to emotional reasons, that’s how I grew up, but I’ve also felt what giving in to emotional reasons can do for me, but the past 4 years I hardly chose for the last option. The rational reason of not wanting to ruin what we have is a serious one I won’t want to deny either. I never had this dilemma before, I’ve heard about it, but knowing I will meet her this dilemma is growing onto me. It will mess with my feelings, feelings I already mess with myself too much, even if I don’t want to mess with ‘m.
I guess she’s at least equally complex in her feelings as I am, she’s shown bits of her feelings, in general, I actually don’t know how complex her feelings are towards me, but as complex beings as we are we tend to make a lot of things in our life complex, like feelings. Of course I could simply ask her about her feelings, though I’d be a selfish bitch if I did that. What right do I have to ask her about those feelings? There’s no ground for her to account her feelings directly like that to me. She’s mentioned some feelings (not concerning me) in certain conversations, voluntarily, as in having a conversation about it and possibly discussing it. Often they’re about family or boys, it’s on her terms, I can’t force her to say something about her feelings. I can mention something with which she concurs, but I can only mention it because she has let me to get to know her these past years. I try to prevent any presumptuous remarks, she doesn’t need anyone whom tells her what she feels. That’s also why this post is solely about my feelings, and my opinions on how to handle these feelings. Though, I could equally regard this post as a presumptuous way to get her thinking about her feelings in this story. It’s not meant this way, but this post would probably cause it either way. Then why am I going to hit the publish button, this selfish act, will it be read by her, will she consequently respond in any way to it. She’s not a person who’s easily bossed around, so I can’t tell her here to disregard everything she just read. Even more so because an independent mind with highly personal feelings will make any person stray when it encounters something which could trigger the heart and mind. So my conclusion is that it is highly stupid to post this personal discussion of my feelings and motivations. The thing is that I’m an oddly paradoxical stupid human being, whom willingly makes the internet flaw, and thus makes her own feelings uncomfortably vulnerable to her messed up mind of rationality. Thus I am a selfish self-pittifying unquestionably stupid girl. I apologize, I’m a messed-up student of life, because I did something like this before, which was more direct though less extensive, and which wasn’t necessary in any way.
It’s written and nothing changes, but does it really …?

So this time I specially made a picture to compare myself with how I looked almost 3 and a half years ago, long before I started my hormone treatment. The left one is from November 2004 when I just had my new fashionable hairstyle, the right one was taken at the end of February 2008, which was early this afternoon .

So besides my change of hairstyle, you can also see the slight changes in my face caused by the hormone treatment. And indeed I am almost 4 years older in the right picture, would you believe that?

So yesterday I went for a bit of shopping in downtown Nijmegen, despite knowing there would be masses of people also strolling around there, and I dislike masses of people they always get in my way, especially the slow folks. This isn’t a Sans scrupule post no this post is about a beautiful piece of clothing. There’s a store in Nijmegen called Blue Moon where they sell a wide range of different fashions of clothing, most is above my budget range but a lot is still at my top budget range. So I went to fit a pair of pants and a bright pink horizontally black striped tunic. The pants were tight which isn’t that bad though if it weren’t for my increasing weight of past few months I would’ve bought it, and if it weren’t for a broken pocket zipper. So the pants stayed there and the tunic stayed with me. There was another tunic I saw there which made my heart beat faster, and if it weren’t for its price of 80 euros my heart would have kept beating faster. I am awful at describing so here’s an image I got from a webstore where they also sell products from that brand of clothing, YUMI.

So I went to fit that one too, knowing I couldn’t pay for it now, knowing I still hadn’t found a right pair of pants and knowing I also wanted to buy a ladyshave, and that my budget range even hardly allows those purchases. This majorly influenced my opinion of how it looked on me, and the fact that I wasn’t feeling comfortable because I was transpiring due to the temperatures in the store (there’s no airco). So even if it really fit nice and still looked awesome worn by me I decided not to buy it, now I’ve found it at this webstore called Uttam Direct for a better price, but still expensive. I really need to find myself a job, also because there’s a little traveling scheduled early Fall with Jessie, which is actually more important than any tunic.

Four months, one third of a year, it doesn’t feel that long but truth is it’s already that long that I’ve been on hormones, still going steady, and happily, towards bigger changes.
Last week I sent out an e-mail to my aunts and uncles, to inform them what’s going on and to have some control over how they look at me and what I’m going through. I got two repsonses, a really sweet one from a niece of mine and one from my godmother which was somewhat positive but disappointed in the idea that my parents haven’t talked about it with her. I don’t know to which extent my parents have talked to all their brothers and sisters, but clearly someone would wasn’t all that much informed. I don’t mind that much, my relationship with my extended family is very limited, I hardly see them and often there’s little to talk about with them. They are nice people, but beside the bloodline I don’t feel any thorough connection to them. I’m glad I’ve sent out that e-mail though, it’s better for my parents not to feel entirely obliged and responsible to communicate my situation to all their relatives. I am equally grown up to inform my aunts and uncles to a fuller extent by myself.
On something totally different, my healthcare insurer has agreed to reimburse an amount of my expenses for facial hair removal for this year. This means I can start with the facial hair removal, though I might need to have another test session, because the result of the one I had late December doesn’t seem to be that succesful.
Regarding the hair on my head I’m still majorly thrilled to see that much hair return, what testosterone took away from me is now for a large part returning. One area though will not change that much probably, that’s the receded hairline, at the temples it has returned though in general the hairline isn’t clearly proceding again. I hope to change my hairstyle as soon as the returned hair is long enough to do something nice with it. This will take over a year, maybe two, depends on how fast my hair grows. I’m already really excited about getting another hairstyle, to throw my hair loose. Eventually I could decide to have my hairline adjusted with cosmetic surgery, but that’s not something I can seriously think about, especially because I lack the money to do so!
Even though I won’t be informing you about my exact breast development for another two months, I can tell that there’s still some awkward itchy feeling going on. It’s not as irritating as when my breasts first started to develop, but it does show that there’s still something happening. It’s not going as fast as in December, but hey I’m only four months on hormones, so there’s enough time to get to a satisfactory cup size.
Then there’s something I haven’t discussed in my updates yet, the issue of passing as female. It’s really hard to have a truthful opinion about this myself. I can’t read other people’s minds, and I don’t feel like asking every innocent bystander if they see me as a woman. Of course now and then I do notice people looking a bit too long at me, not showing an opinion of how I look in how they look at me, but they do look at me. There are loads of people when I’m walking about the city center who don’t take any notice of my possibly less feminine appearance than they might expect from a woman. Does that mean I pass? I know my voice doesn’t pass yet, and I’m slacking at contacting the local speech coach to start speech sessions, next update I will have an appointment with her in my agenda though. That’s a promise!

In honor of my best friend, Sabrina, I will end this update with quoting her opinion about the effect of my hormone treatment. It’s in Dutch, translated to English it would say: ‘Heavy stuff those hormones‘.
Sabrina said:
“Sterk spul die hormonen!”

So she finally responded, calling herself cowardess for not responding for so long. And I agree, it was cowardess of her. If I am that honest to tell her of my insecurity towards the possibilities for developing a friendship with her, then she doesn’t respond to that for over a month, then indeed she is cowardess. Ow but my opinion shocked her, and even hurt her, probably because I was a bit vague regarding my opinion about her social life. My first conclusion to this is that if I meant so little to her, because we hardly know eachother yet, then my words wouldn’t in any way could have hurt her, or she takes herself much too serious and doesn’t care if she might have misunderstood my words! So I was that kind without her asking to elaborate on my previous vague opinion as well as what I thought I had explained clearly about my own insecurity. I might have relieved her from her shock and pain, so she should be glad I responded again. On the other hand her response on what I first wrote, besides mentioning her shock and pain, was examplary of selective reading, an unability to attempt to fully understand someone elses words, making her response full of false presumptions and dishonest conclusions. Her response was clear though, and I could imagine someone wouldn’t fully understand my words as I have meant them to be read, so I apoligized to a degree. For what it’s worth she doesn’t need to feel sorry about her response, and I don’t give a damn anymore about this whole story. I move on and will find my friends somewhere else, people who aren’t too busy to spend time with someone who’s willing to have a good time with them, people who don’t tell me they can never meet, people whom also take the initiative to meet up, and whom aren’t scared by my honesty, and don’t make dishonest presumptions about how I think about a friendship.
Anne can go have her dull life with her boyfriend and friends, whom all stuck with her after highschool only because they all got to study in the same city. She is socially spoiled, that’s my opinion, there are people like me whom really need to put an effort in having a satisfying social life, normally it isn’t noticeable how much a potential friendship already means to me, and thus can’t cause any problems, if it were even a problem for someone else. Well for Anne it was a problem to see how much I already mentally invested in our friendship, especially by putting her own false interpretation on my opinion and feelings. I think I was too kind to respond again, but I’m not someone whom likes to be left misunderstood. Goodbye Anne, this is closure, I will spend my time on people whom deserve it, you are now officialy passé!

I’d probably be totally shocked if today had been any different from any regular other day in my life. Apart from having little sleep last night and babysitting a 20th month old toddler during the day, today was no different from any day, or any February 14th in the past 4 years for that matter. Like any day today wasn’t a bad day, I don’t have bad days anymore, even disturbing incidents can’t make a day bad, I might have a lousy day, but my lousy days aren’t bad either. Today was yawnful, with some huge yawns during mid day, that was due to the little sleep I had. My yawning is exemplary though for what I think of a day like February 14th. I know how in the whole of the Western world this day is sold as the day of love, the thing is that I don’t buy it! Not only because I’ve been single for over 4 years even lacking a healthy single’s lovelife, and that back when I had a relationship I had gf who didn’t care a bit about February 14th, but simply because this day isn’t any special from any other. If I’d love someone she’d know it long before the 14th, love might be sold as something special on a day like this, but my love is special on any day ljust ike the love I’d be getting from my sweetheart. It wouldn’t need to be put under a magnifying glass wrapped in a heartshaped box looking like chocolates, it only needs me. That doesn’t mean I would never pamper my lover, but if I’d do so that would be because pampering her is part of how I show my love not part of some commercialized tradition on February 14th.
So I’ll be trying to yawn especially on Valentine’s day, to show my sentiment, but I won’t be doing it principally, because it might happen that someone really special would distract me that much that I forget to yawn. No big deal, I’d even like that, because yawning even as a social activity (you know what I mean!) isn’t that much of a charming activity.

Have a nice February 15th!

This post is an ode to Julia Serano … she gets my respect forever, especially for this outspoken word performance.

Thank you Julia … I’ll be cocky with you

There is a new link among my links in the What about gender? section. It’s a link to my new weblog here on wordpress called SSIGN, which is short for: Student body for the Support of transgender students and Information on Gender issues, the Netherlands. Would you have come up with that? No, you wouldn’t, it’s a bit silly, but it works, and still it’s only a working title for exactly that what it says. This student body is still an idea, not yet worked out to really be embodied in a true organisation. I do hope to make it happen, which will mean there’ll be an organisation which can support and represent transgender students in the Netherlands and which will be able to inform the public of the existence of gender diversity and in the end I’d like to achieve some emancipation for the transgender students in the Netherlands.

I myself am now almost at the end of my universitary study, my effort to be myself on campus was something I managed on my own with difficulty, though the biggest obstacle was really personal. I found a respecting community on campus who’d respect me as I am, no discrimination and no human onbstacles. I do suppose that not all transgendered students in the Netherlands have this virtue, and besides that it would have been nice if I got help from an organisation like the one I will be trying to set up.
The weblog for SSIGN is in Dutch, but I do hope to get a sister-blog up and running in English for the international students studying in the Netherlands. Eventually when SSIGN is set up it will have it’s own website which will make the blog obsolete, until then the SSIGN blog will be the place to be for transgendered Dutch and international students in the Netherlands.
If you’re interested in helping me out, or want more information, then please leave behind a comment here or at SSIGN and I will contact you.

He was wrong! Though that might be too harsh, my experience is more positive than what he made me expect. So what is this about? It’s about the hair on my head, the hair thought I had lost and the hair that returned. Due to the fact that testosterone had run through my body until age 25, I had a diminished amount of hair on my head. This was one of the things physical developments which was worrying me most before I started hormones. I knew it would happen before it began happening, because my uncles of both sides and my dad are the living proof of what my genes and the testosterone would do to the hair on my head.
I had tried to do something about it since 2005, but I wasn’t bold enough to do something about the slow action of my physician here in Nijmegen and the coordinator of the Genderteam in Nijmegen. Whom were supposed to contact eachother about it in 2006, but they failed multiple times. So in October 2007 when I started hormone treatment nothing had been done about my hairloss and I hadn’t dared to take a look at the back of my head (with two mirrors (one on the wall other in my hand)) for 6 months. Six months earlier looking at it made me really sad and angry, I was thinking of wearing a wig as soon as I started my RLT. It was that bad….because I simply don’t like wigs, I would be wearing it as a last resort.
I’m very happy though that this last resort doesn’t seem to be necessary now the hormones have kicked out the testosterone. When I had my first appointment with my endo I asked about what the effect of the hormone treatment would be on my baldness. He said that it would only reverse what I had lost in the last three months, at least that was his experience. This didn’t really make me go ‘wow I’m saved‘, not at all, because already 6 months ago my hairloss had thinned out my hair visably and I had a clear (though not yet huge) balding spot on the back of my head. It probably got worse in those six months up til October, when showering I could feel the water going over the bare skin of my bald spot. Going bald had been depressing me for almost 5 years, and the idea that I wouldn’t get much hair back didn’t make me feel happier. The effect of my hormone treatment on my hair growth has happily surprised me, seriously though it took me until less than a month ago when I again looked at the back of my head. Three months into RLT I had luckily not changed my hairdo from what it was before, which was quite well improvised to hide my hairloss. If I had gone to wear a wig I had probably cut my hair short, I’m happy I haven’t done that. The hormone treatment gave me back much more hair than my endo had predicted, not only wasn’t I going bald anymore, I didn’t have the balding spot anymore. I now have short new hair growing where I once felt my bare skin. If it’ll grow thick enough to look normal is still a possibility I think is feasable. This doesn’t look bald in any way, does it? I was really thrilled to see the back of my head, a feeling which couldn’t have been much more different from what I felt early 2007. There’s one little issue though. The hair I hadn’t lost before October 2007 lies on my shoulders when worn loose. This means it’ll still take me at least 2 years before I can really profit from my new found hairyness on my head. With the joy of having this much hair on my head again, I’ll easily survive that! Now I only don’t need to forget to tell my endo and therapist (though they are both not the same ones as I had late last year), I do feel I have to share it with them, which I forgot last week, like I’m sharing this on here! So much happyness about a bit of hair, my world is so weird, and I’m glad for it!

I can hardly say that I’m an anonymous user of the internet, not only do I have this weblog, I also have a myspace, a facebook, and a last.fm account, and apart from facebook the other three are findable when you google for ‘mutezukini’. Now don’t take the effort to google them, because you can just as easily click the links in the category Sophie Elsewhere. People who don’t know about my transsexuality, but do know my (I’ll call it a) pseudonym will easily find this blog and find out. There are as far as I know no people, whom I know, who don’t know about my transsexuality. Though the internet does hand me the oppotunity to keep my situation from someone (initially), this has it’s advantages I’m aware of that. The disadvantage is though that at this stage I won’t be able to develop such online contact to a similar offline contact. My current attitude towards this that I disclose my situation at the second opportunity. The reason behind this is that if the person would meet me offline for the first time she/he would with the probability of probably 90% get that I’m not born female. This is something I can’t prevent now, and also won’t deny, so why should online contact be radically different from offline contact in that sense. The honesty of my appearance replaced by the honesty of my words. In both situations the recipient of the information that I’m transsexual hasn’t asked to get that information, in the first case though he/she finds out herself with the help of her/his senses, in the second case those senses are very much reduced because the information is merely words and not a full appearance with the addition of experiencing my personality. So I do believe though that my appearance has a totally different impact than my words, this is what troubles me. I don’t know what the effect of this difference is on the person who gets the words, opposed to that I have enough experience of knowing the real-life reaction of people I meet offline. So I’d like to know if I should handle this different, especailly if I want the online contact to develop into offline contact. Any hints, opinions, ideas are welcome. A bit feedback on my postings here are welcome, at least if you’re able to follow my line of thought, which is sometimes probably a bit difficult.

Why did I bring this up? Well I posted a kind of contact-add (I’m looking for a buddy who’ll accompany me to concerts) at a gay/lesbian/bi-website for youth and young adults, it’s part of a magazine, and I got a reaction to my post there which didn’t mention genderqueerness, but I did mention it in my reply to her. She hasn’t responded yet, so I’m a bit doubtfull if I was right at mentioning it this soon.

Three and a half months 

So past two weeks had enough excitement to not forget my regular update every fifth of the month (which is the half monthly transition update). Though it seems that I have forgotten about updating, until now that is. So what exciting things have I done these past two weeks?
Well last week I had an appointment with my endo(crinologist) and right after with a speech coach. In a previous post I Already mentioned that my endo wants me to start weighing myself, which means I have to buy myself a scale. I still have to do that, but that didn’t keep me from weighing myself at my parents this morning (I was there for my laundry-visit) and well it made my comments to others, like my therapist last Monday, about having gained only 2.2lbs kind of disillusional. Meaning to say that I now know what it is to have a less constant weight. No I’m not telling you how much I gained, but I do hope I won’t keep gaining this much every one and a half week. It’s a good thing my bike as at the repairman, which means I’ll be walking more until Tuesday, though I actually don’t know if I burn more fat by walking to the supermarket or going there and back on my bike. I do have to say though that my endo wasn’t only interested in my weight, he measured my blood presure, which was okay, and he asked if I had any bad headaches, which isn’t the case, at least none worse than before transitioning, not that I have a headache that often.
So then I had my appointment with the speech coach. First another doctor in the presence of the speech coach filmed my vocal cords while I had to make basic sounds with my voice. This was done with a metal bar which had a camera at the end which was aimed downwards, this thing was held almost into my throat, very pleasant. Afterwards I was showed bits of video of my vocal cords moving, I was told they looked really nice, didn’t make it any less peculiar to see something beyond my tongue move. Second I was taken to a sort of recording booth where I had to read out loud a bit of a story and then had to pitch my voice in several keys and do some pitch glides. This delivered a kind of scatter plot, really interesting, this will be sent to my speech coach here in Nijmegen, so she can has a better idea of my vocal possibilities and limitations. The speech coach in Amsterdam was quite pleased with how voice already sounded and she said there was certainly potential in my voice to make it more feminine with succes.
That was last week, last weekend I went to a party for gays, lesbians and bisexuals, as described in the previous post. It was fun and I had good time for a change at such a party. The music still wasn’t that amazing, but it was definitely better than the other GLB-party I went to in November 2007. The next edition of the party I went to in November will be later this month, but I don’t think I’ll be going, the next day will be a party which has far better music!
After the weekend I had my appointment with my therapist in Amsterdam, it was my last appointment with her. She’s going to specialize on children with gender dysphoria, so I’ll be getting a newly hired by the Amsterdam Genderteam therapist. I’ll have to wait three months before I meet her, though that gives her time to go through my, by now quite extensive, files. The appointment with my therapist went well, she was very positive and said it was undeniably visible that I’m feeling better. That’s as far as the gender related events go for these past two weeks.
The day after I went to Amsterdam to see my therapist I went to Amsterdam again, though now to see one of my close friends. We talked about a lot, had drinks, a delicious soup and saw how an elderly man had to be picked up by an ambulance at the soup-bar because there was clearly something wrong with him beside his stubbornness, which was probably caused by a fearfull anxiety. So I spend a slightly extraordinary time with my friend, we don’t see eachother much, so it was really nice to talk to her again.
When I got home that night I had a weird snacking frenzy, it could claim the fame for my weight disillusionment this morning. I do need to be watchful for eating frenzies like those, not only is it nothing like me to have such a frenzy, it also instantly robs me from my snacks which could at least have filled a need the next evening in a less frantic way though.
Ah well I shouldn’t complain yet, I like to snack, but I still know my limitations. And a seldom exception to the rule won’t harm me.
Last note, I have a little party next week on Saturday, with nice people and without horrible music. One of my best and oldest friends has graduated from college, a good reason for a celabration. But what should I buy him????

This is my last post dedicated to my lyrical writings, writings which never found any music to go with, but that’s not a sin. I am glad to have written these texts about my feelings concerning my gender dysphoria. It is special to read them back after a few years, also because I have left the bulk of these feelings behind me last year, and I hope to make even more progress this year. The last lyric I present you with was written in  December 2005 when I already had a number of sessions with my gender therapist of the genderteam, but I felt I wasn’t making progress despite the fact that I went to live on my own again in October that year. Eventually 2006 and 2007 the real turning point years, in a way this text also ushered in the end of a sorrowfull period in my life. I’m also most proud of this text, maybe of all my text this one is most special to me, because it really shows what I felt and it is written in a way which is in my opinion most musical of almost all the lyrics I have ever written.

Battle the Fates

I’m too late … far far too late
It went by before I … I could sigh
I could not notice what … what I did
Now I try tricking my … my own mind
I’m too late … far far too late
I begin to dissipate
It went by before I … I could sigh
I could not notice what … what I did
Now I try tricking my … my own mind
I’m too late … far far too late
I begin to dissipate … try to battle the fates
I’m too late … far far too late

Why does life need to be fighting my fatality?
How a daughter feels … feels so weak
this is fate for a son … son of scorn
now why try tricking my … my own mind?
I’m too late … far far too late
I begin to dissipate … try to battle the fates
I’m too late … far far too late
Why does life need to be fighting my fatality?
It went by before I … I could sigh
I could not notice what … what I did
Now I try tricking my … my own mind
I’m too late … far far too late
I begin to dissipate … try to battle the fates
I’m too late … far far too late
I begin to dissipate … try to battle the fates
I’m too late … far far too late

(first written down December 2005)

I slept ’til past 1pm today. And I slept quite well, which is somewhat surprising knowing that I was coughing as a frantic coughing machine last night. It’s already two weeks after I got over my severe cold, which left me with a cough and a running nose. Both the cough and running nose have stuck with me like family who want a share after you’ve won the jackpot. Though that severe cold of two weeks ago didn’t quite feel like winning a jackpot… o.O .
I’m thinking of going to the doctor for this cough, it isn’t the first time that I had a cough which stuck with me this long after a cold, but certain aspects of this cough do worry me, so tomorrow I’ll be ringing my doctor. The cough didn’t keep me from going out last night with friends from Dito! to a GLB-party called KissKissClub. In contrast with that other GLB-party I went to with them late November, this party yesterday had acceptable music, not great music, but it was okay and I had little problem to dance to it. Although the volume was, when the third dj of the night got his turn, much too loud. I am sort of aware that I have a little bit of hearing damage, so I don’t stand such volumes that long nowadays. It was mostly the bass-tunes that hit the roof last night and with the third dj playing dance music with a lot of bass, he caused that I went home earleir than I would have if his music was more casual with less volume on the bass.
I had a nice night despite all of that though, I danced, talked with some friends, and saw some familiar faces whom I hadn’t seen in a while. There was also a guy, goodlooking I have to say, who sort of flirted with me, but remember I’m lesbian, I don’t do guys. Even if I’d be Bi I’d only do guys to experiment, and that would only be after I’m liberated from certain male bodytraits which still burden me. He was quite kind and gentle, for certain, and I had seen him before at a supermarket where I buy my groceries and where he works at one of the many check-outs. For a guy he is cute, and I wouldn’t mind to get to know him better, but there’s no chance for romance. Maybe I’m to rigid in this, I don’t mind having male friends and being close with them, but there’s a line which (possibly despite the presence of a certain curiosity I have) I will not cross. After being unloved and unkissed for over four years I just don’t want it to be a guy who has the honor to love and kiss me, that’s rigid, isn’t it? Indeed rigid it is, but that’s what makes me a lesbian.