Are my feelings for her as real as they would be for someone I could sit next to, physically? Or are part of my feelings imagined, unrealistic? Am I picturing those feelings onto her even though I know these feelings are not mature enough to make such an impact on me? It’s really starting to trouble me. I honestly missed her past week, and she can make me horribly insecure, it doesn’t happen on purpose, it’s part of the way we communicate. The internet is flawed, it has made it possible for me to meet a wonderfully amazing person, but its ways feed my insecurity far more than in real-life contact, something I never show to any of the people whom I know over the internet. This flaw of the internet bites my feelings like a hyena’s jaw of rationality. It won’t let go of me, or I am rational towards my feelings with the internet flaw as my greatest argument and keep feeling troubled all through our contact, or I give in to my feelings and risk a hard slap of reality when her feelings don’t seem to match mine. That risk, am I willing to take it with the ultimate consequence of losing her.
We’re far apart, literally, but apart from a few intermissions we steadily grew towards each other. I was part of her late puberty, she’s now a lady. She was part of my difficult twenty-something years, now I’m becoming a lady too, though a twenty-something lady going thirty. All I know about her is what she told me and what she writes on her personal spaces on the web, and sometimes I forget that it’s the same the other way around. After more than three years of knowing each other we can only know what we’ve shown to each other, until a month ago I didn’t really know how she’d act in real conversations. Within a month I’ve already grown accustomed to her behavior, as if those 3 years before that did prepare me for talking to her in real-time. It feels like our relationship naturally evolved, as if it was the right time to start having our chitchats over the webcam. It does show that our relationship is something we’re both dedicated too. Then why does she still make me insecure you might ask.
Our relationship is a strong long-lasting friendship, as true as a friendship over the web can get. We love each other as friends, I can’t deny that. She’s been clear about not having a long distance relationship, she’s never mentioned in the context to our friendship, but it’s clear we won’t go beyond friendship. I agree with her opinion, having a long-distance relationship is a no-go area. It’s my own opinion, and I have my own arguments to keep to my opinion. What I do have is feelings, like I really missed her this past week. What I also have is an inability to figure out my real feelings, both of us said things in the past and recently which don’t concur with something which is solely a true long-lasting friendship. I don’t know to which degree her comments were realistic or playful and I don’t even know it about my own feelings. The only thing I know is that I wouldn’t dismiss the possibility of giving in to larger feelings if the situation was right for it.
This whole discussion with myself does make me emotional, with a bit of sadness surrounding it. Despite being on a hormone treatment I’m still in control of my emotions to prevent me from crying, something I evolved in my last years of secondary school (comparable to high school). I have no idea what to do with my emotions, one thing which could solve it would be that I’d find the love of my life right here where I can touch and sit next to that person. It would be one possibility, an other possibility could be meeting her and finding out how we’d really interact with each other. That possibility is in a way a step in our friendship which can’t be prevented, to be honest. She wants to meet me, which makes me awfully happy, but it’s awfully scary too. I could be me as I always am, holding myself back and being overly kind, to do so could be a big mistake. Acting that way would prevent testing real interaction, it would be giving in to a fear of intimacy. There are the rational reasons of preventing intimacy with her, there’s the emotional reasons of letting the intimacy into our relationship at least to a slight degree. Usually I don’t give in to emotional reasons, that’s how I grew up, but I’ve also felt what giving in to emotional reasons can do for me, but the past 4 years I hardly chose for the last option. The rational reason of not wanting to ruin what we have is a serious one I won’t want to deny either. I never had this dilemma before, I’ve heard about it, but knowing I will meet her this dilemma is growing onto me. It will mess with my feelings, feelings I already mess with myself too much, even if I don’t want to mess with ‘m.
I guess she’s at least equally complex in her feelings as I am, she’s shown bits of her feelings, in general, I actually don’t know how complex her feelings are towards me, but as complex beings as we are we tend to make a lot of things in our life complex, like feelings. Of course I could simply ask her about her feelings, though I’d be a selfish bitch if I did that. What right do I have to ask her about those feelings? There’s no ground for her to account her feelings directly like that to me. She’s mentioned some feelings (not concerning me) in certain conversations, voluntarily, as in having a conversation about it and possibly discussing it. Often they’re about family or boys, it’s on her terms, I can’t force her to say something about her feelings. I can mention something with which she concurs, but I can only mention it because she has let me to get to know her these past years. I try to prevent any presumptuous remarks, she doesn’t need anyone whom tells her what she feels. That’s also why this post is solely about my feelings, and my opinions on how to handle these feelings. Though, I could equally regard this post as a presumptuous way to get her thinking about her feelings in this story. It’s not meant this way, but this post would probably cause it either way. Then why am I going to hit the publish button, this selfish act, will it be read by her, will she consequently respond in any way to it. She’s not a person who’s easily bossed around, so I can’t tell her here to disregard everything she just read. Even more so because an independent mind with highly personal feelings will make any person stray when it encounters something which could trigger the heart and mind. So my conclusion is that it is highly stupid to post this personal discussion of my feelings and motivations. The thing is that I’m an oddly paradoxical stupid human being, whom willingly makes the internet flaw, and thus makes her own feelings uncomfortably vulnerable to her messed up mind of rationality. Thus I am a selfish self-pittifying unquestionably stupid girl. I apologize, I’m a messed-up student of life, because I did something like this before, which was more direct though less extensive, and which wasn’t necessary in any way.
It’s written and nothing changes, but does it really …?