After I broke up with my ex in 2003 it happened only four times that I felt I could feel something more then friendship for a girl. One was right after the break-up with a very special girl, but as you can guess it will not work to start something new right after a break-up. We’re still great friends, and I feel really grateful for that. The second girl which made my heart tick a bit faster came three months after the break-up, she was sweet, older than me, and some complication in relationship terms. In the end the click just didn’t seem there and I lost contact with her. The third girl only caught some deeper interest, also a fellow student as mine like number two, but this was Spring 2006. A time in which I was personally well into my personal transition, but I got aware that I didn’t really feel something more than friendship for her. Number four was even more hopeless, I’d seen her on campus multiple times and met her by coincedence late last year. She seemed really sweet and intelligent, but whatever she seemed when I she first talked about her boyfriend the interest was gone. Due to a slight incident we don’t speak (or see) each other anymore. In the meantime my official transition has begun and I am now living my life. As in 2003 I can impossibly hit on straight girls anymore, but now in 2008 I have seen that lesbian girls aren’t that open towards a transgendered woman. I don’t think much about my sexuality, but the thing is I do like women far more than men, that makes me a lesbian in the case society sees me as a woman, in terms of gender. I do believe I still have a long way to go to be seen as a woman to everyone, and at this stage I get the feeling lesbian girls are curious but not interested. To some I might even be an object on which they can shed their light to fullfill their curiosity.
Now when it comes to dating as lesbian I get sort of insecure because what I just mentioned and personally I’m by far not the most assertive girl in the crowd. So how do I take this on, I first have to meet a fabulous girl and than I must hope she has an open mind and that she’ll learn to know me as a person. I think my personality is my strongest point in charming someone, but even then my situation makes dating more complicated. By far most cisgendered people don’t have to be aware of their gender, they can take it for granted, when they date someone. I can’t go around it, it would be horribly unrealistic if I ignored my gender situation. It is impossible for me to take it for granted when on a date. I went through a lot to get where I am now, and I still have to go through a lot to achieve what I want for myself to be really myself. There’s no way that I want to be alone for the rest of my life, I want to love and be loved, I want to build a family and a future with the person I will love most. It has to start somewhere, but I don’t have any guide to get it started. Do I have to wait ’til people can’t see anymore that I wasn’t born a woman, do I have to limit my spectrum to other lesbian transgendered women, do I have to jump in and get myself hurt by beautiful but hurtful people??? Things have of course progressed since I came to the choice to not get myself involved as long as I didn’t feel ready for it. That was early 2004, and a lot has changed and I do feel ready for a relationship and even more, but the person to be in that relationship with is as yet nowhere to be found. For some reason I don’t meet people whom are really interested in me, and whom are open to me and whom are charmed by my personality. This all sounds disgustingly sad, but the thing is that it does make me sad, and that I should be more assertive to get myself a darn date with a fabulous girl. That is why I will do start writing about my amorous adventures, at least as far as I will have them, if not then I’ll have to write more about the absense of love, won’t I?