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I once adored his voice, for many years, until he lost it, the divinity of his voice. He now is a casual rock singer with a great past but with little capacity to impress me like he used to impress me.
I am talking about Chris Cornell, I was one of the kids whom fell for the hit single, Black Hole Sun, of their breakthrough album, Superunknown, back in late 1995. At that time I first started discovering alternative music, and it started all there with Soundgarden, but before I knew they broke up. Luckily for me, Chris went on to a solo career, the music and the lyrics were as strange and intruiging and tempting as they always had been. Even when he went on to sing with the RATM guys in Audioslave he kept his high standard until their second album, which has some great songs, but it started to miss the magic Cornell’s lyrics always had. I didn’t buy the third Audioslave record, I won it, with an autograph of Chris on the disc, but I’ve never listened it from that disc, to be honest. All the greatness of the lyricist and singer Chris Cornell were teeming and the voice had left me. Not only don’t I listen to rock music like Cornell makes nowadays anymore, but the style the image he sets for himself it pushes me away. Of course it’s great that he’s happy with his new family, but he lost his modesty, the eclectic humm of a dreamer has been lost. He might be a big guy now, but the sad thing is I liked him better as the modest guy with the awesome voice.
I do dedicate this blog to him, the person whom has sung with an amazing band and wrote great songs and sang them with all his heart.
Here are four favorite songs on video

A short description of how I came to transition on university last year, and how I experienced this.

Today exactly half a year ago I started with my hormone therapy, so I actually had something to celebrate, but I didn’t get to that, but I did get to writing my update .

Thursday I went for my second once-every-three-months appointment with my endocrinologist and this time the first time with my new gender therapist. Each appointment with an endo was with a different person, so on thursday I had a younger woman asking me a few questions measuring blood pressure, my weight and for some unparticular reason also my lenght. She was quite kind, so I hope to have her at least one of the next appointments. Then after that I could go straight away to my new gender therapist. She was well prepared, had probably read my entire file twice and she’d talked about me with my previous therapist, whom had been my therapist since June 2005. So we started of almost right where stopped last visit to my former gender therapist. I shared the things which bothered me and the things which made me feel more and more comfortable with myself and my surroundings. All in all, I have no reason to be displeased with my new therapist, she’s probably some years older than the other one, but she’s youthful and knows what she wants to ask me. In that sense she as just a little bit more straight forward, but I don’t mind, I’m looking forward to talking about myself more often. It won’t be as often as I’ve spoken with the previous one, but still worth to look forward too.
While I’m writing this here I feel an odd kind of mixture of tiredness and being made love with (at least it comes close to that feeling), I presume I just need to get me something to drink, not that this is an unpleasant feeling, but I need to keep focused to tell you about everything else .
So let me get to what the hormones been doing with me this past month, starting with that gorgious body of mine . I have come to acknowledge that my lips got a little bit fuller, which is good, makes them more kissable ..*haha*.. so why would I complain about that. Also I went to see how my figure has changed by making a full body picture with my webcam from behind, a picture which is of course kept very private. And what really struck me was that my outer thighs right where my butt is at its widest are almost as wide as my shoulders, so I’m really really happy about that. I don’t know how my figure is going to develop further on, but I suppose not much, at least not if I didn’t gain weight, which is not something I’m really striving for. I already gained enough, even lost some weight again, but I’m okay with the weight I have now. Anything else on my body still changing? Well of course, my breast growth continues slowly but steadily. The development is less than an inch compared to three months ago, but for some reason I am believed to fit a 38B bra now, oh well I promised not to give any figures unitl the 9 month update so I’ll refrain myself from that . They at least got more rounded, though that went along with a few weeks of more sensitiveness and sometimes painful pinches, all worth the progress!
Thus yeah my figure has clearly gotten more feminine, the sad thing is is that my body hair doesn’t seem to agree with that and still grows, though not as much as before hormone therapy, on places where every woman would love to be clean of body hair.
Despite the hair issues bothering me I still have the hair on my head issue pleasing me very much… I realy can’t wait for the day that it’s long enough to get myself those pretty bangs.
So as I said to my new gender therapist, I habe absolutely become more confident these past few months, some things are becoming more normal to do and less difficult to handle. There is still a long way to go, the facial hair needs to go, the voice needs improvement, the body hair needs to f*ck off, the adam’s apple needs a shave, my breasts wouldn’t mind to be one cup-size bigger, and then there’s that issue between my legs which needs to be reshaped and last but not least I’m still looking for the love of my life… in the longer run she’ll probably be there… I’m sure of it, just like all these other issues will get solved.

ah my future in this perspective, why would I worry? ….oh yeah, finishing my study and getting a job and a house to live in… hmm… well that’s something entirely different

So today the VOX was released with in it the interview with me about my initiative, GenderQontrast, and about myself. It didn’t struck me at first, but there was something wrong with the title, something very wrong. The article which is of course in dutch and has a dutch title is titled ‘Sophies keuze‘, which is simply translated as ‘Sophies choice‘. Now I knew this title was their first title as it was written in the draft of the article which I saw on monday, after pointing to some inaccuracies within the text, that title also drew my attention, and it wasn’t quite positive attention. I was very disappointed in that title, and I e-mailed the guy whom interviewed me and whom had written the article that I wasn’t happy with that title and I proposed different ones which would suit better.
So why would Sophies choice not be suitable for an article in which I am interviewed about my transsexuality and my initiative? Not only had I not mentioned the word choice in the context of my transsexuality, I am of opinion that there is no choice in being myself. The fact that I can’t take my gender for granted is no choice, the fact that I was diagnosed as transsexual was no choice, the fact that I transition is thus also no choice. My gender differs from my birth sex that makes that I can’t take my gender for granted as non-transgendered persons can, they never feel wronged by their body as I feel, they never have to hide whom they are in the aspect of their gender, I have no choice in feeling what I feel, it’s there. Okay then I decided to seek help at the genderteam in Amsterdam, also not a choice, continuing the situation as it was or going to a genderteam for the purpose of gender reassignment, that’s no choice. How would anybody willingly choose to keep themselves stuck in a life in which body and soul are out of sync? Choice, *pah*, don’t talk to any transgender or transsexual about choice in this regard. It is a want maybe, a desire for sure, a necessity undoubtfully, but it is not a choice. The diagnosis naturally reflects this necessity to undo the wrongs my body does to my soul, starting hormone treatment and official transition is a continuation of this necessity to do whatever is possible to solve what needs to be solved.  Let me compare it this, suppose you are The Almighty God, you have created a marvellous world full of the beauties of life, but something in your creation went wrong, you created a species with very destructive traits which harm you creation, would you undo the wrong to save that which resembles you? You are almighty, if I were almighty I’d do so, not a choice but out of raw necessity to be true to yourself and your creation. Taking harm to be harmed on and on is not what an Almighty God would do, too bad for all of humanity that such a being doesn’t exist. So that’s how it is to me, I can save myself from further harm, desolation, selfdestruction and a life of psycological crisis. Choice? No, no choice!
The nasty thing to me is that I corrected this magazine editor on this false representation, I pointed to other possible titles if he wanted to stay on a literary connection to it’s title. By the way, I never read the book nor did I see the movie of ‘Sophie’s choice‘, already enough reason not to pick that title. It neither became Sophies world nor Sophie without hesitation, connecting with either a book I did read and the title of this weblog. I do not know if they simply forgot that I made a remark about that, or that someone on the editorial staff likes to poke at me or transsexuality in general. I do not know. Either way though it is very sloppy that they didn’t change the title. I even find it offensive to be honest, have to do justice to my weblog’s title, even moreso that the word choice is in fatter print than Sophies (yes I now it’s called bold).
An apology would be nice for their sloppyness, but with this post as pat on their fingers I am equally pleased.
Gawth, this is my second rant in two days, not healthy, luckily for them that I wasn’t displeased with the picture that went with the article. Though I am not entirely happy with my hair, should have looked in my little mirror a second time before the photographer took his pictures. Oh well, Saturday 20th I will be exactly 6 months on hormones, much more reason to be happy than to be irritated over a title. I stick to my point though.

“Any choice here? No…come, choice, choice where are you? No choice isn’t here! Where’s the choice??? Seems like there is none!”

That women are used and can be observed as sexual objects in modern day society is nothing unfamiliar. I am a woman and I am aware of this, and I disagree with this image of women because I am a person not an object. Sexualization is a process in the eye of the observer, mostly men indulge in this to make touching themselves easier. Men whom do that not only lack a healthy sexual fantasy, they have no regard of the women’s physical integrity. Though now we transcend to an aspect of me which is not purely physical trait but moreso a mental trait of those (mostly) men whom sexualize this. It is my transsexuality. Now I am very much aware of sh*-m*l* porn, and fetishist crossdressers whom like to show their little hobby on diverse websites. I do not and cannot personify myself with these people whom purposely sexualize their skewed gender and sexual identity. They make themselves the object of sexual desires of others, I on the other hand do not so, I am simply myself, not showing any parts of my body in such a manner that a healthy sane man would get aroused by it. The sad thing is that this world has its large collection of insane men whom can’t make that difference when looking at someone who’s changing or has changed sex, as transsexuals do. The sexualization of transsexuals whom don’t make themselves purposely sexual objects happens entirely in the heads of these men, it’s an internal process. This can be observed within subscriber lists of vlogging transsexuals on youtube. If you check other subscriptions or simply the collection of favorites of certain subscribers you’ll see that they in majority subscribe or favor vids of crossdressers/sh*-m*l*s, but also certain transsexuals whom think it’s normal that women are sexual objects and act like it. By both subscribing to these sexual objects and plain transsexuals whom simply show themselves as a person, these subscribing men proof that they sexualize them all. It is difficult to believe that for the sane moments they would want to watch unsexualized vids of transsexuals, their line of thought that changing sex is erotic and should be rewarded with some eerie white goo, will simply not be out of function. As mentioned the sexualization happens within these men’s heads, it only needs the image of either a crossdresser/sh*-m*l* or plain transsexual. The questions is though why they don’t stick to the first two whom purposely sexualize themselves. Their sexual thoughts must be really intrusive to them that they grab everything that slightly resembles the thought they have sexualized. The problem though is that transsexuals don’t slightly resemble the idea they are the true realization of this idea, but how come? What is really behind this observable sexualization, are these men only closetted crossdressers, or do they truly have Gender Identity Disorder and simply have fetishized their own personality, being actually closeted transsexuals? Researching this is a little too obscure for me, so I’ll theorize about this.
Sexualizing your own deepest feeling of being a woman is something commonly observed and even attempted to use to set up transsexuals against eachother. These possible closeted transsexuals for one make no difference between sexualizing crossdressers and transsexuals, that would mean they themselves have unsuffiiently tried to understand themselves. They are stuck in the thought that changing sex is erotic and not something personal which they can deal with effectively with therapy and maybe in the end gender reassignment. The thing is that you can’t continue sexualizing part of your deepest being and at the same time turn it in sane reality to be yourself. Handling the sexualization of a thought might just be easier to cope with than being aware that you sexualize your own person, in which you might feel yourself harassed by yourself.
Though what about those whom simply are closeted crossdressers or chasers, these are plain fetishists whom simply ignore the integrity of transsexuals because they have probably seen everything every crossdressing sexual object or panty-fetishist has produced on the web and are left with the plain transsexuals. They use their fantasy to undress one and imagine a dick on everyone. If you ask me they could just as well watch any woman and fantasize a dick on us. For some reason they prefer ugly awefully dressed crossdressers, maybe because they really have dicks but most don’t have real breasts. Should these closeted fetishist crossdressers not ask themselves if they are not perhaps gay men whom don’t allow themselves to enjoy their true gayness? Who’ll tell, I acctually am not that interested to know.
Know this though, any subscriber on my youtube channel whom has a hint of being a sexualizing pervert won’t be accepted. I won’t let myself be sexualized for their pleasure, and I won’t be observably brought into connection with those whom purposely make sexual objects out of themselves.

So far my rant, I thought of doing this as video-log, but the thing is my written English is simply better than my spoken English

“Will you stay with me?” Annie angrily asked Nicholas.
Nicholas was quiet, he was afraid to answer, because he didn’t know the answer.
“I’m here now.” he finally said. “No you’re not” Annie replied “You’re never here, you were maybe some time ago, but I have actually no memory of it. Nicholas be honest to me, you were never part of me.”
“You’re right” he said “I was never there and I am not here now, but can you explain that to all those people whom have known you for so long?” Nicholas tried to look Annie in the eyes, but they were hidden behind her wavy locks of hair.
“Leave, Nicholas leave, leave me alone! If you’re not here then leave me alone!” Annie shouted without moving anything more but her mouth.

He opened his eyes, and turned on his left side, making his mattress squeak, a second later his alarm agonied Nicholas with its awful tone. It was friday morning August 31st 2001, after the weekend he’d start university. He got up to push the snooze-button on his alarm, but right before he did that he recollected his weird dream, the conversation with an older girl, she could have been his sister by the looks, he remembered. He then turned off the alarm instead of choosing for the snooze. It was strange that he recollected that last part of the conversation he had with that girl so vividly, normally he’d forget entire dreams in less than a minute after awaking. He picked up his trousers and a sweater from a chair and got dressed for breakfast, but first he walked to the sink in the corner of his room. He turned open both the warm and cold water and washed his face. “You’re not here, you don’t exist.” a girl’s voice whispered, making Nicholas jump away from the sink, splashing water all over his sweater. “What the fuck! Who said that!!” Nicholas yelled towards the mirror above his sink. It stayed silent, but Nicholas was still shaking for some reason. He walked back to the sink to turn off the water, he watched at himself in the mirror, but something seemed out of place. He went up close to the mirror, and watched himself in the eyes. A loud rumbling sound was coming closer, but it sounded like it was only in his head, because he felt no vibrations from the floor nor from the sink he was leaning on. Nicholas stepped back from the sink, the rumble was awefully loud now and he was unable to open his mouth and scream, at least he couldn’t hear it even if he did yell out. Then out of a sudden….. nothingness.

“I said so” Annie joyfully said out loud “you are not here, you simply don’t exist, you never have existed”. Full of happiness she looked at the white ceiling above her bed on that beautiful morning of Sunday October 21st 2007. “All those people love me because whom I am” she silently whispererd to herself. There was a sparkle in her eyes.

For over four years now, I haven’t felt love, haven’t been kissed, haven’t had sex. Solitary? My life, in a sense it was. I have friends, I love to see them and have fun with them and talk with them about loads of stuff, even sex. My memory of love and sex is fading by the day though, I don’t feel anything when I think back of it. It was all back in the time that I still tried to fool myself that I could live like a guy, I was hetero in that sense. What am I now, I still don’t like guys, but I’m a woman to the people around me, a woman whom loves women is believed to be a lesbian. I rather though love one person than love women. This is no re-run of  the previous ‘would you be my date’ blog, at least I hope to think so.

Falling in love, don’t we all NOT understand it? I don’t! I don’t even know anymore how it feels. That might be good though, because then it would most probably totally surprise me and make me feel lost and grabbed by my guts by a handful of butterflies. Would it be like that? As I said, I don’t know. I am a person whom needs to give love, but do I know what I really give then? If I’d be honest, NO, but for some reason when someone is in love with me and I love her back she’ll feel loved. That’s how it goes, no explanation, just how it is. Why nobody won’t make me feel loved is a totally different story which I won’t discuss because it would bring us on the topic of that previous post.
I wrote something on a site which has a dating section, where you can put up a little shout as you could call it of up to 600 symbols. It was simply to see if people would respond to it, because what I wrote is somewhat vague and deep, but it’s radically different from those other date-shouts up there. It’s in Dutch, but I’ll put it up here anyway.

De persoon, het individu, het karakter, de uitstraling, het charisma, als dat klopt, als dat je hartje doet kloppen, volgt dan de liefde?

Je oordeelt over woorden, hoe moeilijk is dat? Want bestaan jij en ik alleen uit letters?
En toch vraag ik ‘t van je, en toch doe je het?
Ik wijk af, ik heb een verleden en een toekomst, ik ben positief, ik geef en ik geef nog meer.
Neem je het van me aan, neem je me voor wie ik ben?
Ik ben de muziek waarnaar ik luister, de vrienden die ik liefheb, de lucht die ik adem, en waarom ook niet de woorden die ik typ?

Verklaar jij het mij … de liefde?

It can’t entirely be translated in English so I won’t do so. It comes down to this, also the last sentence, “Can you explain it to me … love?” It can also be read as “Do you declare it to me … love?”.

I am not sure why this came up in me yesterday and why I am writing about it now, but I guess because there is a need, which brings me back to that previous post!

So I found out that vids directly taken from my vidrecorder put on youtube don’t have sound and vision in sync, so I went to play with windows moviemaker again, isn’t that horrible. This vid is in fact a response to a previous post in which I linked you to a video which showed how I changed over the past 4 years, with the amazing music of M83. Now in this vid there’s no music on the forefront, but if you listen carefully you can hear a song from Psapp come by in scene 2 …and I was a bit in a silly mood so ignore the 3 bits at the end okay?

In a previous post I wrote how I was contacted by the university magazine, VOX, from my own univerity, because of my initiative to set out an organisation for transgender and transsexual students here in the Netherlands. After a month of postponing I finally agreed to be interviewed, for the first time in my life someone else will write about me in a publication which will be read by more people than I personally know. It won’t make me famous, it’s not like I’m doing anything spectacular which could create a hype, no way, I’d run away if I were hyped in any way. And I don’t expect anyone coming up to me afterwards asking me: “Aren’t you that tranny???”. Although there do live silly people in this world who might act that stupid, on the other hand it’s not like I was invisible in a crowd before this day. I stood out with my appearance many times, nowadays that’s far less I guess, I’ve become a bit casual to be honest.

So I’ll be interviewed, tell a bit about my situation as a transsexual student, tell about my initiative, GenderQontrast, and it’ll end up on one page of VOX. People whom I know will come up to me and tell me how much they respect my openness about myself and how amazing my initiative is. People whom I don’t know, especially the ones whom I hope to get into the organisation will hopefully contact me. Certain people whom I don’t know, whom are journalists, might contact me because they too want to interview me. So there will be at least a small attention peak towards me, this will also happen to be because there’ll be a press-release from my side to present my initiative. That way I hope to be in control of when all the attention comes toward me, I’m not really someone whom likes to be in the spotlights, I’m too modest and a bit shy. There are actually more important things to be taken care of, like gathering enthousiastic people with whom I can really set up that organisation. Only with a real organisation I can mean something for those other transgender and transsexual students.
We’ll see how much time that takes, I’ll at least make an attempt to post a translation into English of the article soon, which will be in next week’s release of VOX.

This is a short blogpost in which I simply want to share my love for my grandma with you. With Easter, yes already a few weeks ago, I visited my grandma together with my parents and brother. I hadn’t seen her since my sister’s birthday, just before Christmas. So we were there and my grandma was mostly chatting, and us listening, she’s quite talkative but sometimes a bit hard to understand because she speaks a dialect and her pronunciation isn’t what it was 10 years ago. She is 89 years old by the way, and my only grandparent still alive. I love her because she is a really sweet lady and she cared really good for us when we (my siblings and I) slept over when we were little. This Easter she gave me even more reason to love her. For the first time she called me Sophie, without hesitation, without once calling me by my old name. I was in a way stunned, but mostly I am really proud of her. She heard of my transsexuality on her birthday party last year, when my dad sort of outed me to her, and it shocked her quite a bit when she realized what it meant. After that I had only seen her with my sisters birthday, so yes I was surprised and proud that she called me by my name this Easter. She is my best grandma in the world, and I love her!

So today I bought one, for €10 I am now the proud owner of a body weight scale. It’s not a digital one, I don’t trust cheap digital scales so I bought a classic body weight scale, one with an indicator!
January 30th I wrote about needing to buy a scale after a visit to my edocrinologist whom wanted to know my bare weight next time I’d have an appointment with him. Back then I wrote this: “Last weekend it was approximately 152lbs, which means that on April 30th to my guess it will be 154.5lbs. So let’s wait and see“. Standing on the scale that indicator told me that I had gained *dumdumdum* 18.9lbs, that makes me only 8 pounds removed from being overweight where it once was 26 pounds. So unquestionably my transition has given me an unrivaled weight gain, where I weighed 150lbs for about 8 years I gained 20lbs since I started hormone therapy 5 and a half months ago. Okay I did intentionally eat more for a while but that has diminished, though the weight gain continued, so now I have to diminish it again to see if that halts the weight gain in any way. Becoming overweight wasn’t my intention when I started transitioning, though some bodyfat was welcome, but there needs to be healthy limit to that.
Where did all that fat, because it’s fat that I gained, find it’s place on my body? Well besides my breasts, far most of it has gone to my buttocks, outer thighs, belly, waist and a bit to my hips. I am still hoping the fat on my waist moves down to my hips, so I have to start doing some excercise. I’ve been thinking about jogging a few times a week for some months now, but hasn’t happened yet. I’ll have to get a pair of running shoes and of course jogging suit, but I lack the money in a certain way….the funds are there though. Okay then, next week I’ll have my jogging equipment, that’s a promise to myself!

So since I caught the movie editing virus yesterday, I have now made a video of pictures of how I looked the past 4 years. I won’t embed it here, because I have disabled the embed-function, don’t want this to float over the entire internet, so it’s only viewable on youtube. So go watch my video ‘Changes: May 2004 to March 2008‘, if you want to, that is. If not, then you may browse my blog more or leave it here.