Daily Archive

As a young transsexual something which has really been a strain in my life was the lack of future perspectives. Especially during these past years towards the point where I am now,  this strain put a heavy weight on my student life. In 2001 when I left my parents home to study at a university I was still in the closet, this all changed in the years to come, my life would change but I didn’t have the certainty to have the life I wished for when I would finish university. This insecurity took away all my future perspectives. I was on a path which had only one direction and without the ability to turn around, but I didn’t know if the path had a dead end or would bring me to a life I wished for. In these past 7 years I often feared for the dead end until last year when I was allowed to start hormone treatment. In the meantime the fear of the dead end inhibited me to do my study in full capacity with full concentration and full devotion. What would my study be worth if I would personally be stuck in a dead end life? I did study, got my bachelor degree and made it to enroll the master. I was persistent that’s for sure, I had nothing else to study, a switch would be hopeless whatever choice of study I would have made in that situation. I did enjoy my study, but whenever I was majorly dependent on myself I lacked the abilities to achieve what students could achieve. I am not an A-grade student, I have become a student whom has all the intelligence a student needs but isn’t motivated to study. With all the time I’ve put in my study it might be remarkable that I ever got to this point, it shows my persistence. The fact though that it took me 6 years to start my masters research, with a bachelor-degree only scheduled to do in 3 years, shows that I had a lot of trouble getting myself to this point.
So all these years of lacking future perspectives build up a heavy load to the point I have no motivation left to do my graduation research in the field of my study. My study became a burden of which I want to be freed to finally start a real life, leaving this loathsome futureless life behind me. Now that I have the life in which I see a future I cannot put myself to continuing a futureless study, I have started to question if I ever want to do something in the field of my study. It will forever be connected to the life without perspectives I lead.
It is true that my study offers me potential perspectives, for sure, when I have a masters degree I will be able to get a job and work myself up to more influential jobs. Though, what if this field of work (international development) doesn’t spark me anymore? When I started with developmentstudies I had a huge idealistic spark, but now there is nothing left of that, it cannot spark any future perspectives for me, none. I have no idea what I would want to do. Yes maybe that is because I lack a truthful image of my possibilities in the field. Due to my situation I now lack experience of doing research or working abroad, I have no ideal country nor continent to work and help the people. They should do it without me, but that’s what I didn’t see when I started studying. Now I’m left with an absence of motivation to study and work in international development on the one hand and on the other hand the future perspective to be myself in full glory. It is insane and I will have a lot to do to find out how I solve this schism in my life, what do I want with my future, I’ll go into that in the next post.