When I’m down

I’ve come to realize that I’ve been feeling a little down lately. It seems like I’m in slow-motion taking everything in the slowest pace possible, studying, seeing friends, progressing in my transition, taking up initiatives I started. Together with that I feel a kind of nagging tiredness picking on my on a daily basis. I still do fun things, but I find it hard to motivate myself and often it’s too easy to pass on those fun things. The reason for feeling down like this is the standstill I reached, I am at a crossroad and the only thing is watch the roads ahead of me disappear in the horizon worrying about what’s behind the horizon despite my intention to reach the horizon. There’s some obstacles for which I have to make a real effort and at this moment I don’t feel enough motivation to make those efforts. Somehow I much rather glare at the horizon and keep myself hooked to the thought about what could be there instead of actually getting there. I need to breach this, I need to get on with my life, if I don’t, feeling down will turn into feeling depressed. I am a positive person though, most often in interaction with other people, but with myself I’m always troubled. I lack perspective about my own life, I endure the now instead of going toward the future. There is no future if I don’t choose one of those paths on the crossroad.
It’s hard to get a positive perspective about my future, beside the fulfillment of my transition, when I have little that offers me a trustworthy perspective. I have a university education, that’s true, but I don’t know if I even want to be involved with the material I studied, this kills of quite some perspective. The argument that I could go study something else won’t work, I’m 25 studied since 2001 and I’m done with it, I can’t endure being a student for much longer and I won’t be able to pay for it either. A job would give more perspective but I have no clue what job I want. Sometimes I simply think that this world and its preoccupation with achievement, money and careermaking is the wrong world for me. The only thing I can do is finding my niche, a niche in which I can be myself, a niche which takes me beyond the worlds preoccupations.
For now though, I’m down. For now I am slow at contacting friends. For now I’m postponing study progress. For now I am at a slow pace with my personal projects. Let’s hope I can turn this around before summer, better have a summer feeling up than a summer feeling down.