You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July, 2008.
My hair is finally and truly liberated. On Wednesday I went to get a new hair cut, something quite different from what I had for the past 2 years. For the past about 4 years I had simply grown my hair long, and it was last May that I first went to a hairdresser since 2006. Now a little 3 months later I was fed up with the long hair wich I could only pin up or have in a pony tail. It was time to free my hair, and so I did, by having almost 20 centimeters of it cut off. Well yes I don’t take liberations lightly.
The result is one I needed a day to get used to, and I must say I am pleased with the result and I already got some sweet comments from other people. Only a year ago it was hard to imagine that this is how I’d have my hair, testosterone had taken its toll on my hair growth pre hormone treatment. The hormones fixed 90% of my hairloss, and I’m very thankful for that. I have one concern less and am already looking forward to the next the developments concerning my hair. I am actually not someone whom sticks with one haircut for much longer than one year. Though I don’t expect to have that much of hair cut off for a long time.
I am confused. Confused because a word is bugging me, a word not used in my native language, but used frequently in the English and Nordic languages when mentioning the condition extreme gender dysphoria. In my opinion that condition is called transsexuality, but more often I read about transsexualism. This word is bugging me because it ends with -ism. In my perception an -ism is about a collection of ideas about a certain theme, like socialism is about politics and shaping society. Though indeed there are diseases and condition ending in -ism, but I don’t suffer from a disease, neither is this a condition which defines me as a transsexualist. The word transsexualist isn’t used while the -ist is used with any -ism I am aware of. My transsexuality is a diagnosis, put upon me from outside as to name a certain condition, it doesn’t define me nor my ideas about myself, the world or anything else.
I have less problem with the words transgenderism and transgenderist, which are becoming more and more common for those people whose gender identity is neither male or female or a bit of both and this idea shapes how they present themself, and often too how they perceive gender in general. I am not a transgenderist, so I don’t own that term and cannot deny people to use that -ism. Having an -ism put upon me is what bothers me, of course I can understand opposition against the word transsexuality because it contains the word sexuality, and of course it has nothing to do with sexuality. In my opinion the word sexualism doesn’t fix that, not only because of the interchangeability but mostly because the term transsexual is still there to hint it to be about sexuality falsely connotating with homosexual and heterosexual.
I do not identify myself as a transsexual, of course I do use the term as I do use transsexuality, but it isn’t a selfdefining aspect of my identity. I use it for clarification and to have other people familiar with that term understand my situation (and of course to find my blog). It is easier for humans to name something, it makes it possible to connect with one an other about something. As I do here on my blog. When I first read about gender dysphoria and transsexuality, especially the word transsexuality felt awkward to me, mostly because it was connected to older transwomen with whom I couldn’t identify. I’ve let go of that uncomfortable feeling with the word simply by not identifying myself as a transsexual, though not denying the condition. In my opinion the medical society owns the term because it is for them necessary to name a condition and aid people with that condition.
In the discourse about transsexualism it is possible to defy someones claim on owning it by self diagnosis. This makes it possible for transsexualism to be something which isn’t fixed, but something with which one identifies and does shape a person’s identity and ideas about especially gender. Transsexuality isn’t an -ism and offers less space to identify with because of it’s medical origin, and it being owned by the medical society and not by individuals whom believe to be extremely gender dysphoric. In my opinion a medical practitioner is wrong to use the word transsexualism, becuase a patient simply isn’t a transsexualist nor transsexualistic person. So in my opinion it is simply illogical to use the word transsexualism, but of course I cannot force anyone to stop using it, but it would be nice to have some coherence about the language we use, within the transgender community and within the discourse about extreme gender dysphoria.
It might just be an issue of how I experience transsexualism in how I use -ism in my language. I have only one -ism which shapes partly shape how I think about myself and the world and that’s individualism, an individualism which I shape and no outside ideas about it are able to own my individualism becuase I am an individual with an individual mind. Being an individualist doesn’t leave any space for other -ism’s but makes it possible for my to grab ideas here and there and be open to any idea, without losing my individuality.
Today 20th of July I am officially halfway my real-life experience, which means I’m also 9 months on hormones. Here in the Netherlands the RLE time is 18 months before you can get offical approval for the srs. This approval is given by a team of specialists from the Free University Medical Centre in Amsterdam, also known as the genderteam.
Today I have only 9 months left and 9 months behind me, for a flashback of the past nine months you can read these next posts:
1st month - those first experiences
2nd month - nothing sensational and Christmas is neigh
3rd month - I’m so disappointed and point of no return
4th month - appointments and a truthful opinion
5th month - wild tigers I have known and emotions
6th month - more kissable
7th month - had my hair cut
8th month - the true deal
This last month was much of the same as the 8th month. Socially things are going really well, I have less and less worries about people noticing the transsexual state I’m in, and physically I am doing quite ok.
I did gain a little weight late last month and I’ve been having a few more headaches, which I can deal with.
I certain previous post I also mentioned my breast development even publicizing my breast size, well I’m here to do that again, for the last time I’ll give you the numbers until I arrive at the end of my RLE in April 2009. The bust size measurement at two months HRT was 93.5cm or 36.81inch. This morning my bust size was 98.3cm or 38.7inch, so that’s an increase in bust size of 4.8cm or 1.9inch. So by now I can fill my t-shirt bra’s at least on the left, but the shape is still not that of a fully developed breast, that’s for sure. In the next 9 moths I hope to make some substantial progress, gaining approximately two more inches would be great, but it’s too hard to really predict if that will really happen. Now I’m still a size 38A, even a 85B European size according the site I use to calculate, but I have my doubts about that, owning a number of 85B bra’s which are still out of reach for my little breasts.
Honestly I find it hard to tell what I can expect from these next nine months. I have already achieved a lot in these past 9 months. The only social progress I want to make is succesful flirting, evolving it to having a relationship of course.
On the physical front I expect a little progress on my body figure, currently my figure is already quite pleasing in my opinion, but without gaining much more weight I do hope to get an even more feminine figure. I also need to start doing some exercise to stay in shape of course. This week I’ll also go to have my second haircut this year, this time having it done more rigorous. Yes I’m going for a new look, which is quite exciting if you ask me. I will certainly post a picture at the end of this week.
I will also continue speech training, weekly visiting my speech coach, although my voice isn’t an obstacle anymore I am eager to have some aspects refined.
Concerning physical hurdles which can be dealt with by external interference, like with facial hair (already mentioned that far too often) and my adams apple which is in need of reduction. Other surgeries like my hairline correction won’t be dealt with in these next nine months. What will be dealt with is finding a surgeon and hopefully even getting an indication about the date of my surgery.
Also very important is to have my name changed legally and then have my name on my diploma for my master’s degree. I sure hope to finish university early Spring next year, there’s still a lot of work concerning my graduation research. I will stay positive and will make a change for the better concerning my study motivation, which really needs some intervention to get things done the way and as soon as I want them done.
Nine interesting months have passed, which weren’t an emotional rollercoaster like some experience their hormone treatment, but it was nonetheless very interesting and absolutely very promising for my future.
On a different note, this is my 100th post on this blog, how coincidental don’t you think… time to celebrate the future and up to the 1000th post …hahaha.
Yesterday I went out at about 11pm in the hopes to find some friends to hang out with in the city. Actually my only hope was one person, but she had to work until midnight at the restaurant she works, so I first went to check up on her if she would indeed be done at midnight. She wasn’t, because she was asked by her boss to work until closing time, about 3.30am. That left me without anyone quite familiar to hang out with. Though it seemed there was some hope, somebody I didn’t really know that well, but had met a few times before suddenly stood before me. And so I caught up with her and sat and stood at various spots near the Mets, a queer cafe, where quite a crowd was outside and an attempt to a nice night out got shape. I talked with a few of her friends, that’s what started it, and eventually more people came to form a group that went into the Mets to dance and have fun.
At first it was quite packed inside the Mets and I only danced a bit, talked a bit as far as possible with the volume of the music. I do have to mention that as far as I know none of those girls I was with (all besides one lesbians) were familiar with the fact of me being a transwoman. Then when the night continued it got less packed at the Mets and so there was more space to dance and to get eye contact with attractive girls around me. So I had a few eye contacts with different girls, which still is interesting to have knowing my situation a year ago. At one point that evening a new song had kicked in and I had just made some dancing moves to that song, then out of nowhere one of the girls I only had short eye contact with already minutes and minutes before stood behind me and put her arm around me, which caught me by surprise. So I was more shocked than excited, and she noticed that quite fast and went back to dance with her friends. I was even too shocked to look behind me and make decent eye contact with her then and there. One or two songs later I did and she obviously seeked eye contact with me there too. I’m quite sure that if it weren’t for my physical obstructions due to the stadium of my transition I would have gotten more out of it then eye contact. She was a very attractive girl, even taller then me, though the vibe I got from her character was a bit of a bitchy one. Nonetheless, an attractive woman thought I was attractive and would probably have loved to have some fun with me including at least some kissing. Why else would she’d been so occupied with me.
Having other girls flirt with me obviously isn’t an incident, because not only wasn’t she the only one willing to catch my eye, catching the eye of an other girl happened before like described in a previous post. I am now more than ever convinced that I can be seen as an attractive woman, I might even be so bold to say that I’m an attractive woman, though I do lack certain physical aspects in my own perception of attractiveness. This experience of last night only makes me more confident of myself and more determent to get the physical obstructions dealt with. I suppose will have to let some fun slip through my fingers until at least the issue of facial hair has been taken care of. Luckily I can be very patient, I also need to work on my own skills to deal with flirting girls. The shock-tactic isn’t one that’ll bring me any succes :P.
In some recent posts I’ve been mentioning some signs of the succes of my transition. These are issues which I probably could’ve hardly imagined before I started the hormone treatment, back when I wasn’t yet the girl I am now but already left behind the boy people saw me as for most of my life.
Looking back at that period it’s strange that my current situation inhibits me from imagining that I could live that ambiguous again. To know though that I’ve lived like that some 3 years and now feel uncomfortable to take a step outside that way and walk around with a question mark about my gender hanging above my head, is the strangeness of my transition’s succes.
I will give you all the signs of this awkward succes.
Makeup
Because I haven’t started laser hair removal of my facial hair I always put foundation on my face before I go out or expect visitors. I didn’t do that before going my RLE, only wore some eye shadow sometimes and mascara of course. The foundation seems to do the job well enough, so well that I feel uncomfortable having people see me without it (except when I’m at my parents). Not that my beard growth is that visible after the daily shave, it’s the redness after having shaved that more often bothers me. Eventually though when the laser hair removal, which I’ll start in a few months, has done its job it will remove the awkward sense of needing to put on makeup where I didn’t have that sense before RLE. I even felt uncomfortable putting on foundation, so an awkward sign of succes you may call it, because I do benefit from the makeup.
Fully figured
Not much different from wearing makeup is wearing a bra and enhancing my breast size with a little external silicone help, which I insert in the morning and take off in the evening. Before RLE I felt uncomfortable having fake tits almost 24/7, it was something I didn’t look forward to. Though as soon as I had some breast development I thought what the heck, I want these breasts to look like real breasts. And that’s one part of the picture which is important to make the picture of me as a woman complete. Even when I went to use the little silicone helpers I didn’t even get comments like people though it was natural to see it on me while I didn’t change the way I dress neither the way I behaved. Now some 6 months later putting a pre-filled bra on has become a casual ritual instead of something which I almost detested. In the meantime my breasts have developed although not that much to go without the silicone help. So again something which made me feel uncomfortable has become something to which I’m accustomed within half a year, and I even feel uncomfortable to leave the house without that little help on my chest.
Voice
In less than a year time I adapted my voice to how it sounds now from your ordinary male voice before that. I managed that on my own with some tips I caught from documents taken from the internet. At the time I started to adapt my voice I had no idea to what kind of voice I wanted to change it. Now I’ve recently started to see a speech coach, for refining my speech, so to speak. And of course I was asked to speak in my old voice, just to hear the difference. By now not only do I feel uncomfortable to speak with in my old voice, but I also find it hard to pinpoint how it sounded when I would want to start of in my old voice. I managed not to speak with it, but again in a really short time something even more natural to me than an face without makeup, my voice, is something as it is now feels more home to me as it is now than it was a year ago. People whom haven’t heard me in a while make remarks about it and are astounded to the change. So the issue of my voice is double awkward, having a different voice within a year which already feels natural to me and having people say wow that’s so different while I can’t even really imagine anymore how I sounded before.
Telling people or not
These previous signs add to this last and undeniable sign of awkward succes. The fact that people haven’t the faintest clue that there ever was a gender question mark floating above my head less than a year ago. I pass in many people’s eyes. That’s the succes every transitioning transwoman is hoping to achieve during RLE. I can’t say I’ve achieved this for 100%, but there are people whom I know whom are most probably unaware of my transsexual situation. I addressed in a previous post and also in a vlog on youtube how I handle this. I simply don’t tell as long as there’s no reason to tell. The awkward thing now is that less than a year ago I didn’t need to tell because it was so obvious. Less than a year ago when I felt like an in-betweeny and still had trouble imagening how it would be life as a woman not being perceived as ambiguous as I was then by many people. While in the past I had to inform people about my gender dysphoria I now have to inform them again but their perception is radically different from the perception the people had of me up til last year. Now it has become almost confessing my genetalia while before I confessed to those people back then how I felt about myself. Okay people can respond different to me telling I’m a transwoman and not born with female genetalias. It’s awkward to breach the perception I’m happy with people have of me instead of the perception I disliked. Now I give something up I like while before I gave up something I disliked, it’s the awkward burden of succesful transition. A burden I can manage, because the burden I carried before transition was far worse.
I present to you a new category of posts dedicated to the movies I love, the ones I’ve seen and the ones I want to see, giving you the trailer and with movies I’ve seen both a trailer and a review.
This first one is on Itty Bitty Titty Committee directed by Jamie Babbit, with in the lead Melonie Diaz and also part of the cast is Daniela Sea known from The L-word as Moira/Max.
Here’s the trailer.
The plus of certain local straight bars over gay bars is that they play nicer music then what’s played in the two gay bars which I’d visit otherwise. Without having to really convince my three lesbian friends we went to a bar/club which we all consider straight. It wasn’t too crowded also a plus, maybe because it was Saturday and many students aren’t in town then. I know the music there to be more to my taste, but I hadn’t been there for over a year, so it was a bit of a wild guess to go there hoping there’s be nice music. There was over the evening quite some nice music, and music to which I could adapt, for the sake of having a fun time. So the music was okay and the four of us had danced happily at that straight bar.
It was also the first time I had went there after starting hormone treatment, and getting into the gay scene. This was somehow the true closure of going out straight in straight bars I have done ever since I was almost 16 years old. Now of course in the past half year I’ve been to some gay parties, but I hadn’t really gone out dancing and making it late in bars and clubs. Yesterday was the first time, and because it was too quiet at our favorite gay bar we ventured to that straight club. In my opinion that club is an openminded place, but it is clearly where the squares reign, although with a more alternative attitude and musical preference. I was once among them, because I was once not openly a woman and a lesbian. So yeah I had no problem being there, neither did my friends, they obviously had an enjoyable night out.
The peculiar thing about straight clubs though are the desperate straight guys, not only desperate but obnoxious too. There were three of those last night, which manifested their despair in different degrees. Which also resulted in three different kind of “eeeeewww”s coming out of my mouth in response to their behaviour. We survived their obnoxious straightness and didn’t let them spoil our night.
Yes going out straight is still possible, but honestly I’m really looking forward to the alternative gay club night at a small venue in Utrecht later this month. That combination is truly ideal, also in respect to meeting other girls. It’s time to have some fun!!!
Now that I get acquainted with people whom don’t know and whom I haven’t told that I am transsexual I have to find a balance between openness about it and the wish to be perceived as the person I am. Finding this balance isn’t easy, I actually don’t mind being open about my transsexuality. My goal when starting transition wasn’t being a transsexual, but being truly myself. The fact that I describe my condition as being transsexual isn’t the same as entirely being myself. At this stage I can’t yet fully be myself but already the perception of others has gigantically improved. And honestly I treasure that perception more than being open about my transsexuality. Don’t come tell me that with this position I deny a part of myself, because it is not that simple. I desire to be myself, not to be transsexual, so if people perceive me as the woman I am why would I want to breach that perception by telling that I didn’t show myself (fully) as a girl for almost 25 years.
I’m writing about this because for the first time since starting hormone therapy and living as a woman someone will come over to my place for dinner, and I haven’t told her about my situation. So I presume she doesn’t know and that inviting her shouldn’t be a reason for me to feel forced to tell her just because there’s still certain things in my appartment which could give away my situation. So I came to decide that the pictures in my room of me before hormone treatment will go behind some neutral postcards. Four of the five pictures are only from summer last year, while one is from 2006. The difference between how I looked then and how I look now is in my opinion quite significant. I presented myself more androginously feminine than male/masculine, but still certain features of how I look now were quite different back then.
It’s not that I want to hide the memory of those events shown in the picture, but I simply do not want my situation to be an issue in new relationships with people whom don’t now about it. At a point I could still decide to tell them, but for this person coming over for dinner that point isn’t there yet. Still, those pictures are from the past, they represent my recent past, but they don’t represent me as I am now and for that reason I will probably take them away and put more recent and representative pictures up on the wall.
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