I feel like an unlit candle, not that I want to melt away, oh no, more in the sense that I don’t tap into my abilities to handle the huge obstacle of my present life, called studying. There are a number of real unlit candles in my room, some on a windowsill and a big red one with white polka dots next to my cd-collection and a little angel candle I got from a friend last Tuesday. The red one has burnt, but hasn’t been lit for quite a while, I can’t even remember if I lit it past winter. I do feel like lighting it now, hoping it hasn’t collected too much dust, because that would make it more difficult to light it.

There, I lit both the red one and the angel, they look awkward next to eachother, as awkward as I’d look wearing a cross. I do feel kinda uncomfortable with religious symbols, even the laughing buddha I got as petit present for SintNicholas feels inappropriate to have. I am not religious, I hold no believes in anything higher than my own human mind. I should have more believe in my human mind to make an effort to graduate, but I haven’t gotten to the point where I’ve been lit. I don’t even know what’s able to light me, as student I feel like I’ve had my best lit moments year ago, although I never ever shined bright and cunningly as a student. perhaps that’s just something I have to live with but I cannot simply run away from this, like a candle I stubbornly stick myself to the surface I’m standing on. It even gets worse the longer a candle burns, I’m not really sure if that’s the case with me, but I surely want to be done. That stubbornly leads me to stick instead of running away.
I feel like making a change now, a change for myself, the second largest change for myself probably, the largest being coming out about my gender identity and starting to transition. I might not be lit tomorrow, but I surely will make a change so I can be lit very soon.
Today is clearly a day to depart from, yes I did iron my laundry but apart from that my day was quite empty, though I forget to mention that I did my speech exercise, which went okay, despite my throat still being in recovery mode from the cold I had. A change could lead to a lot, maybe even putting a lid on this blog for a while, I feel like I lack motivation and inspiration to write, but who knows if I find my motivation to study again I could likewise find the motivation and inspiration to write on my blog.

The angel is already unrecognisable, luckily I’m more like the big red candle with white polka dots.