Category Archive

The plus of certain local straight bars over gay bars is that they play nicer music then what’s played in the two gay bars which I’d visit otherwise. Without having to really convince my three lesbian friends we went to a bar/club which we all consider straight. It wasn’t too crowded also a plus, maybe because it was Saturday and many students aren’t in town then. I know the music there to be more to my taste, but I hadn’t been there for over a year, so it was a bit of a wild guess to go there hoping there’s be nice music. There was over the evening quite some nice music, and music to which I could adapt, for the sake of having a fun time. So the music was okay and the four of us had danced happily at that straight bar.
It was also the first time I had went there after starting hormone treatment, and getting into the gay scene. This was somehow the true closure of going out straight in straight bars I have done ever since I was almost 16 years old. Now of course in the past half year I’ve been to some gay parties, but I hadn’t really gone out dancing and making it late in bars and clubs. Yesterday was the first time, and because it was too quiet at our favorite gay bar we ventured to that straight club. In my opinion that club is an openminded place, but it is clearly where the squares reign, although with a more alternative attitude and musical preference. I was once among them, because I was once not openly a woman and a lesbian. So yeah I had no problem being there, neither did my friends, they obviously had an enjoyable night out.
The peculiar thing about straight clubs though are the desperate straight guys, not only desperate but obnoxious too. There were three of those last night, which manifested their despair in different degrees. Which also resulted in three different kind of “eeeeewww”s coming out of my mouth in response to their behaviour. We survived their obnoxious straightness and didn’t let them spoil our night.
Yes going out straight is still possible, but honestly I’m really looking forward to the alternative gay club night at a small venue in Utrecht later this month. That combination is truly ideal, also in respect to meeting other girls. It’s time to have some fun!!!

Now that I get acquainted with people whom don’t know and whom I haven’t told that I am transsexual I have to find a balance between openness about it and the wish to be perceived as the person I am. Finding this balance isn’t easy, I actually don’t mind being open about my transsexuality. My goal when starting transition wasn’t being a transsexual, but being truly myself. The fact that I describe my condition as being transsexual isn’t the same as entirely being myself. At this stage I can’t yet fully be myself but already the perception of others has gigantically improved. And honestly I treasure that perception more than being open about my transsexuality. Don’t come tell me that with this position I deny a part of myself, because it is not that simple. I desire to be myself, not to be transsexual, so if people perceive me as the woman I am why would I want to breach that perception by telling that I didn’t show myself (fully) as a girl for almost 25 years.
I’m writing about this because for the first time since starting hormone therapy and living as a woman someone will come over to my place for dinner, and I haven’t told her about my situation. So I presume she doesn’t know and that inviting her shouldn’t be a reason for me to feel forced to tell her just because there’s still certain things in my appartment which could give away my situation. So I came to decide that the pictures in my room of me before hormone treatment will go behind some neutral postcards. Four of the five pictures are only from summer last year, while one is from 2006.  The difference between how I looked then and how I look now is in my opinion quite significant. I presented myself more androginously feminine than male/masculine, but still certain features of how I look now were quite different back then.
It’s not that I want to hide the memory of those events shown in the picture, but I simply do not want my situation to be an issue in new relationships with people whom don’t now about it. At a point I could still decide to tell them, but for this person coming over for dinner that point isn’t there yet. Still, those pictures are from the past, they represent my recent past, but they don’t represent me as I am now and for that reason I will probably take them away and put more recent and representative pictures up on the wall.

From age 4 to age 12 I was a little boy in primary school. Here in the Netherlands we call it basisschool, and from age 7 onward going there wasn’t as pleasant as I had wished for myself. The first year of basisschool was in a little village, but short before my 5th birthday we moved to a town 25 kilometers east, to a slightly more urbanized region at German border.
There, like in that little village, I went to catholic primary school together with my brother who was one class above me. It was not like the school was led by nuns or something like that, but simply that there was a morning prayer in the lowest classes and from third year on all would get weekly lessons in catechism. So that much about the school’s background.
My first 3 years on primary school were quite okay, being able to be the unspoiled kid one expects from 4 and 5 year olds to be. This didn’t mean I was doing well in every aspect, I wasn’t that talkative being quite the shy kid in class, though I was quite the busy bee when I got to play in the playcorner. So already then I was more in my element when able to enjoy myself in a small group on one hand and being on the background in big groups of kids on the other hand. After what you could call pre-school, the first two years of primary school, the oppurtunity to have fun in the play corner was gone and all creative and playful activities were done with whole the class participating at once. This in fact made me vulnerable, because I wasn’t the kid who’d stand up for itself and I was thus an easy target. This started taking its toll at age 6, the year I did the holy communion, not only was that a bore, but already then I felt uncomfortable looking the neat boy I was supposed to look at the ceremony.
So that year the hardship started, I was most vulnerable because I couldn’t defend myself. As long as I can remember I was a kid that started crying when others would get angry, the first time I stood up for myself was in grade 7, at age 10. Not that I didn’t cry because of the insult, but still I think it was cowardess to hit that boy. Most interesting about the incident is that it was one of my best friends whom had insulted me behind my back and I overheard that. I think I only pushed him and gave him some weak slaps on the chest, and then ran away. I apologized two days later, didn’t want to lose a friend, and I knew it was wrong to hit someone.
That was the only event in which I stood up for myself in the 5 years of hardship on primary school and it wasn’t even against the kids that were the meanest to me. More importantly to know, something my gender therapist was interested in when we spoke about my early youth was to know how I acted as a boy. As mentioned in other posts, it wasn’t until about age 10 that I came aware of what bugged me, my gender dysphoria. As a boy, I was as mentioned shy, quiet, introverted. I tried to get along with the boys but never got the hang of it, even with being the fanatic kid in gym-class I was also fine to play along with girls which was much less of a hassle the first years until the age that girls interest in playing with boys became ‘not done‘ for most girls. There were two boys whom were friends of mine all through primary school, and only one girl, and sometimes especially the earlier years I played along with different boys and girls. The interesting thing is that I never opposed playing girl things with those girls, I willingly played with barbies, not only together with my little sister. On the other hand, I could be fiersome when playing with LEGO or Playmobil. And I also loved to draw, make puzzles, and play dress up. In watching TV I also watched all kind of kids TV-shows, as violent as The A-team and Transformers, to as lovely as the Carebears. So my youth with all its unpleasant experiences on school wasn’t one significantly showing my gender dysphoria. I certainly believe that it has been present all along, thus being partly the cause of my behaviour in those years before I came aware of what this feeling was. To anyone around me when I was in primary school I was simply a shy and vulnerable little boy, whom they in fact never really understood. Would it have helped if someone would’ve really attempted to get through to me, hard to say, but it wouldn’t have hurt if someone at primary school had done that. The most awkward thing was that my teacher in final grade of primary school gave me the role of mustache wearing swimmingpool superintendent in the primary school partition musical. Not only was the mustache super icky, I had never felt more out of place in any school performance I had been in. Despite the good intentions of the teacher, he had better given me a girls role, though I might have felt too ashamed to take it…. ah well it’s all in the past now. No hard feelings against all those people who wronged me back then, in all honesty.
So in the end aware of of my feelings I went to secondary school even more introvert then I started primary school, with only one physical assault on me and only one incident in which I stood up for myself. It could have been worse. Still I hoped things would only get better when I left that primary school, but I’d be in for a more difficult time, because I still was that vulnerable kid when I started secondary school.

No transsexuality is not a sexuality, I hope that’s clear to everyone. Sexuality, even asexuality, is about sexual preference in intimate (sexual) relationships, and transsexuality is about a severe incongruity between a person’s physical sex and the person’s gender identity. This post isn’t about my transsexuality, but foremost about my sexuality, and of course the impacts of my transition on it thus far.

I’ll start with that last thing the impact of my transition on my sexuality. In the run up to starting hormones I’ve always considered the possibility that my sexual preference for women wouldn’t hold entirely and that there would rise a preference for men. This hasn’t happened, maybe not yet, but clearly any preference for men is absent. What has happened these past months is that I’ve become more confident in my sexuality as a lesbian. There’s still certain physical hurdles, but participating more in the gay and lesbian scene has brought me much closer to having an intimate relationship (to a degree) than was the case ever since my ex and I broke up in 2003. So aside from acknowledging that certain men can be kind and have beautiful eyes, nothing has led me to believe that I can fall in love with men. Sure maybe that would have been different if I sticked to the straight scene, but remember before I started transitioning my sexual preference has always laid with women. There weren’t even crumbs of attractiveness towards men in my past.

I grew up in a 99% straight world, and I grew up holding on to the safety I thought being a boy handed me. You could say that this included being attracted to girls. The fact is that before and after becoming aware of my condition at age 10 I have always known that I (as a boy) was honestly attracted to girls. Alongside being attracted to girls I experienced a kind of jealousy towards them being able to be themselves. I wanted to be a girl, to be myself in fact, but I didn’t discover myself as the woman I am until a few years ago, so I looked at those girls and imagined how it was to be like them. Now all I want is to be myself, but what stayed with me was the feeling of being attracted to girls without experiencing the jealousy like I had in my teens.

Being attracted to girls never confused me, it felt really natural, something I didn’t need to struggle with like many lesbian girls. I could uninhibitedly be attracted to a girl, and although I hardly acted upon it until age 18 because of my shyness and insecurity, I didn’t need to come out for my sexuality. The sense of my sexuality feeling natural to me now continues to be existent during transition. Before I was confident enough to come out for my gender identity and transition, I as a guy then, fell in love with a girl. I had put energy and effort in looking like the guy I could credibly make others believe I was, and feeling confident about it to live my life like that. So combined with my desire to fall in love with a girl, I got into a heterosexual relationship. Although I came out about my gender identity to her in the first year of our two year relationship our relationship continued its heterosexual style. Despite my foolishness to grow facial hair since I was 17, and continuing that up til age 21, my ex-girlfriend experienced me as feminine during our relationship in different aspects. She even told me some friends of her thought I was quite feminine. Well of course this was pleasant to hear and know, but it couldn’t keep us together, and I guess we never really thought about how our relationship would be if I transitioned. It was after this heterosexual relationship and two little flings hardly worth mentioning that I decided that what I really wanted was to transition. So my transsexuality slowly came to the forefront and my sexuality went into a state of slumber. I didn’t feel comfortable being in a relationship as long as my gender situation was dubious to those girls whom would get to know me. I was uninteresting to straight girls, because of my outward feminity, and I was even more uninteresting for lesbian girls, because I wasn’t clearly a girl either. This was all in my own perception, but I still believe there’s a lot of truth in the perception I held for about 4 years. Beside that I also told myself that I above all needed to invest in myself before I could give love to someone else again. So sexuality became an issue far from my mind.

Nowadays, 8 months into hormone treatment I can say that I’m perceived as the woman I am by the people around me. My sexuality has to my perception not changed radically in any way, but did I before transitioning make others believe I was heterosexual, now I am obviously lesbian. Not the dyke type, neither the girly girly, still feminine though .Of course loving an other girl still has to be brought in practice, but undoubtfully I am attracted to girls, and being in a relationship with an other girl is only a matter of love and time.

Yesterday at the mega-Pann in Utrecht I had my first far too obvious eyes-flirt since ages. Yes even an eyes-flirt excites me. She was cute not hot, simply really adorable with playful eyes and a joyful smile. Too bad I didn’t want to stay there on my own when my friends kinda wanted to go back to the bigger venue of the mega-Pann. So an eyes-flirt was all I got to. Honestly I think that is really promising, knowing that I hadn’t flirted in any way with any other girls in over three and a half years. I have changed a lot and found a niche in which I seem to be able to at least flirt with the eyes. This doesn’t mean I’ve overcome all the obstacles which I think that problematize flirting with other girls. Undeniably though, there are no external obstacles, they only lie within my mind. If I’ll get to the stage of succesfully flirting and end up ending my kiss-less period within this year,  although still slightly uncertain. I have work to do on myself, and so I will .

My world is changing, I haven’t moved or anything, neither did I graduate from university, nor did I find love and started a family. Nope, none of that.
I am …becoming part of the queer world, this month is a beautiful example of how I am now out of touch with the straight world.
It all started the night of May 31st to June 1st, I went to the Pink May Festivity here in Nijmegen, with my queer friends, so this month started queer. During the past two weeks I’ve been busy arranging a meeting for my transgender organisation, GenderQontrast, a first small meeting will happen on June 25th. Then there’s the Pink Lunch I organize on campus with some friends, the first of this month was yesterday.  That evening I went to a straight movie called ‘The Happening’ with two of my lesbian friends. Maybe tonight I’ll go to a local queer bar with some friends to watch the euro-championship match between France and the Netherlands. Than there’s this Saturday a big queer party at a venue closeby my home where I’ll go with a lot of friends. Saturday 21st I’m going to an even bigger queer party in Utrecht with a lot of people here from Nijmegen. The next day I’m at a transgender youth meeting in Amsterdam. Then on the 25th I’ll have that GenderQontrast meeting and in the evening there’s an info-meeting of the Dutch Genderteam in Amsterdam where I’ll be at and in company of some other transgender girls. Then on June 26th the second Pink Lunch on campus of this month and the last of this season will be organized. Finally on June 28th I’ll be present at a queer event called Pink Saturday, which is really big and exciting.
All of this is evidence that my life is being engulfed by queer people and a lot of queerness. And you know what? I really enjoy it, I’ve never had so much lovely people to hang out with and exciting fun things to do as I have now in my queer life

Here in the Netherlands the transgendered people aren’t really organized. In parts of the country they have their meeting spots, where the socialize, and for especially the crossdressers and pre-op transsexuals it is a place where they can be themselves away from the people which inhibit that at home. It’s good something like that is possible, but it doesn’t get the community closer to emancipation, beter health care and health insurances. Now since a few years there is the Transgender Network Netherlands, in which multiple organisations come together and do….. …..too little, in my opinion. None of these organisations is meant to be representative organisation which has as its goal to get the interests of the community translated to politics, emancipation and action. One organisation, part of the TNN, is the National Contact Group for Transvestites and Transsexuals, they organize these meeting spots and once a year an information-day. The thing is that transvestites hardly have the same interests as transsexuals and other transgendered people. You could find this somewhat harsh, but it’s true. I’m not going to explain it, use your own logic, public versus private, trangendered/transsexual versus crossdresser/transvestite, need for legal protection/public healthcare versus privateness functions as the untimate protection.
So this organisation is due to it’s split interests unable to represent the public transgender community, is there an alternative organisation? No, there isn’t, this brings me to ask if there even is a true community? Many transsexuals post-op want to live their life as normal as possible, want to pass and be seen as there true gender. Being active for a community is troublesome in this respect. So even if these people would benefit from an organistion representing the community you won’t reach them.
The Transgender Network wants to represent the community, which is positive, but they can’t claim to do so. The TNN is dominated by transgenders age 30 and older, to represent the whole T-community they should invest in younger transgendered people too. The case is that I am now in the mids of founding a transgender youth/student organisation. My initiative is already known by a number of organisations member of TNN, but there has been no word of getting my initiative into the Network. I am afraid I’ll have to go arrange this myself to be part of the Network, the lack of effort to reach the transgendered youth and invest in future transgender leadership is an undeniable shortcoming of TNN. I hope they’ll fix this, without me being the instigator of that. Sure it’s a young network, only just started, but even then, if you want to make change then you simply need the youth to be part of your effort for change.
It’s now an exciting time for me, my initiative, GenderQontrast, will be registered as a foundation this summer and the first projects need to be running at the end of the year. It would be sensable if all of this would be supported by TNN, they want to represent the community so they will need GQ to be part of their network, it’s as simple as that.
A true transgender community in the Netherlands is possible, and GenderQontrast can be a major player to sustain one in the future. It starts with the youth, there you’ll find the future leaders of the Dutch transgender community.

I hope I made some sense.
More on GenderQontrast in the future, I’ll be seeking international relations for GQ. So if you’re young and want to know what transgender youth are up to in the Netherlands, let me know.

I like looking natural, but if I’d go out all natural something would show which I much rather wouldn’t show, even better, I want to get rid of it. I haven’t got rid of it, that means I don’t go out all natural, and means I have to wear makeup. At least to look neat and add something to being perceived as female as which should be the case, I wear foundation.
Today was different though, I got up not this morning but half an hour past noon to start with, which never motivates to have an active day. Also, I didn’t have to go anywhere today, I had my groceries and I didn’t plan to see anyone. So I was content with it being an indoor day. That, until I discovered fungus between my garbage… the garbage bag had already looked full for two weeks, but these amounts of fungus were new to me and distasteful….not that I needed to eat it…it was just gross! So I really needed to throw out the garbage, which meant going outside to the garbage container of the student complex I live in. For such a little trip I didn’t want to put on foundation, too much hassle for being outside less than a minute. And I even didn’t feel like wearing the inserts for fuller breasts, so I went out all natural….all natural, for the first time in probably months. I only walked into one person, who could only glimpse at me when she walked out the door of the building and I in after I dumped my garbage in the container. And actually it didn’t bother me, I wasn’t even hurrying or so…even took out my mail. Not that this means I’ll go outdoors more often without wearing foundation, but at least doing these little chores like taking out garbage can be done in my ambiguous all natural look. Because despite still having a light shadow on my face I already do have size A breasts, and fuller hips. So until I’ve started the permanent removal of my facial hair I’ll have to live with this part of my physical ambiguity.
Most importantly though, I am rid of my fungus infested garbage bag… hahaha.

I’ve come to realize that I’ve been feeling a little down lately. It seems like I’m in slow-motion taking everything in the slowest pace possible, studying, seeing friends, progressing in my transition, taking up initiatives I started. Together with that I feel a kind of nagging tiredness picking on my on a daily basis. I still do fun things, but I find it hard to motivate myself and often it’s too easy to pass on those fun things. The reason for feeling down like this is the standstill I reached, I am at a crossroad and the only thing is watch the roads ahead of me disappear in the horizon worrying about what’s behind the horizon despite my intention to reach the horizon. There’s some obstacles for which I have to make a real effort and at this moment I don’t feel enough motivation to make those efforts. Somehow I much rather glare at the horizon and keep myself hooked to the thought about what could be there instead of actually getting there. I need to breach this, I need to get on with my life, if I don’t, feeling down will turn into feeling depressed. I am a positive person though, most often in interaction with other people, but with myself I’m always troubled. I lack perspective about my own life, I endure the now instead of going toward the future. There is no future if I don’t choose one of those paths on the crossroad.
It’s hard to get a positive perspective about my future, beside the fulfillment of my transition, when I have little that offers me a trustworthy perspective. I have a university education, that’s true, but I don’t know if I even want to be involved with the material I studied, this kills of quite some perspective. The argument that I could go study something else won’t work, I’m 25 studied since 2001 and I’m done with it, I can’t endure being a student for much longer and I won’t be able to pay for it either. A job would give more perspective but I have no clue what job I want. Sometimes I simply think that this world and its preoccupation with achievement, money and careermaking is the wrong world for me. The only thing I can do is finding my niche, a niche in which I can be myself, a niche which takes me beyond the worlds preoccupations.
For now though, I’m down. For now I am slow at contacting friends. For now I’m postponing study progress. For now I am at a slow pace with my personal projects. Let’s hope I can turn this around before summer, better have a summer feeling up than a summer feeling down.

My bicyclette lost something earlier this year, this was after I lost the other half of it. The loss did make me more carefull and patient in traffic. My bike couldn’t make itself heard anymore, especially after the repairman fixed its unsupposed noisyness. So yes I was at a loss once my poorly attached bicycle bell fell of the steer. I have searched many places to find a fit replacement, now finally after months of silence my bike will sound again! because I have found myself a fashionably cute bicycle bell to attach to the steer of my ugly bike.

The fact that I found it was remarkable. I found it at a store full of bath ducks and cute magnets, in a city I never visited before because I never new any nice people to visit there. That changed recently, so I went to that far off city (traveled 2 hours) and asked if my friend could show me the shops with the cute original wannahave thingies. So we came upon that store and I came upon a collection of cute bycicle bells, now I had to make a decision of which one I should take. A hard choice, considering the cuteness of most of the bells. I finally went for the beautiful orchid one. So people will be beautifully warned again when I close in on them or when they obstruct the path of my bicycle.
We went to a number of other stores with cute things and some stores fashionably expensive clothes, which I will visit again when money is flowing in my pocket.

Originally uploaded by Sophie sans scrupule

So today I went into the city and purchased what I never purchased before. Yes I bought myself a bikini top. I don’t know if I’m actually going to sun bathe wearing it, but at least I can now go out and show off my petit breasts en plein public…hahaha…. no way, women do that topless nowadays…. but I’m going to do neither. I just want to sun bathe privately now I have breasts and this bikini-top is just too fab not to wear. So I bought a bikini top, “only a top??” you might ask. Yes only a top, I’m not ready yet to wear an underpiece, it’s as simple as that. So I’ll be wearing something less revealing instead of a bikini underpiece, like a skirt or a short. Still I’m very proud of my beautiful bikini top

Moodswings, in my opinion I didn’t have them due to the hormones until half an hour ago. I was worried about a hole right next to the road, across my apartment, because I fear it’s caused by a waterleak. Can explain it in more detail but that’s not of importance now. So I called my dad who works at the regional watersupply company, and before I knew I got all tensed. I got more tensed than I was when I first discovered this hole and checked it out, I was like okay it’s a hole probably caused by a waterleak. It didn’t look like it was getting bigger so I was simply worried, not tensed. There on the phone for a reason which normally doesn’t really get me tensed I got tensed. I do not know if this is considered a moodswing, but it freaky to me for sure. Now I have been more alert on threats to my living space since a there was a nightly break-in at a neighbouring apartment in my hallway while I was home, asleep. This is something different from being afraid having my stuff being stolen, this is being afraid that a huge whole will swallow a garabage truck right in front of my window. Something which will surely shock me. I know how to control my emotions normally but it’s getting harder, today when the start of 3 days of mourning for the dead of the earthquake in China was in the news I was just one bit away of sobbing over my bowl of rice. I used to grieve on the inside about such tragic things, but I think this is starting to change now. Along with having more trouble to keep my emotions in I might have moodswings more easily too. I don’t like being tensed like I was an hour ago, especially not when it grapples me. I treasure my emotional stability. I do, but maybe I should also start treasuring being able to show more of my emotions too. Though I’d rather not have to treasure the moodswings.

A short description of how I came to transition on university last year, and how I experienced this.

So today the VOX was released with in it the interview with me about my initiative, GenderQontrast, and about myself. It didn’t struck me at first, but there was something wrong with the title, something very wrong. The article which is of course in dutch and has a dutch title is titled ‘Sophies keuze‘, which is simply translated as ‘Sophies choice‘. Now I knew this title was their first title as it was written in the draft of the article which I saw on monday, after pointing to some inaccuracies within the text, that title also drew my attention, and it wasn’t quite positive attention. I was very disappointed in that title, and I e-mailed the guy whom interviewed me and whom had written the article that I wasn’t happy with that title and I proposed different ones which would suit better.
So why would Sophies choice not be suitable for an article in which I am interviewed about my transsexuality and my initiative? Not only had I not mentioned the word choice in the context of my transsexuality, I am of opinion that there is no choice in being myself. The fact that I can’t take my gender for granted is no choice, the fact that I was diagnosed as transsexual was no choice, the fact that I transition is thus also no choice. My gender differs from my birth sex that makes that I can’t take my gender for granted as non-transgendered persons can, they never feel wronged by their body as I feel, they never have to hide whom they are in the aspect of their gender, I have no choice in feeling what I feel, it’s there. Okay then I decided to seek help at the genderteam in Amsterdam, also not a choice, continuing the situation as it was or going to a genderteam for the purpose of gender reassignment, that’s no choice. How would anybody willingly choose to keep themselves stuck in a life in which body and soul are out of sync? Choice, *pah*, don’t talk to any transgender or transsexual about choice in this regard. It is a want maybe, a desire for sure, a necessity undoubtfully, but it is not a choice. The diagnosis naturally reflects this necessity to undo the wrongs my body does to my soul, starting hormone treatment and official transition is a continuation of this necessity to do whatever is possible to solve what needs to be solved.  Let me compare it this, suppose you are The Almighty God, you have created a marvellous world full of the beauties of life, but something in your creation went wrong, you created a species with very destructive traits which harm you creation, would you undo the wrong to save that which resembles you? You are almighty, if I were almighty I’d do so, not a choice but out of raw necessity to be true to yourself and your creation. Taking harm to be harmed on and on is not what an Almighty God would do, too bad for all of humanity that such a being doesn’t exist. So that’s how it is to me, I can save myself from further harm, desolation, selfdestruction and a life of psycological crisis. Choice? No, no choice!
The nasty thing to me is that I corrected this magazine editor on this false representation, I pointed to other possible titles if he wanted to stay on a literary connection to it’s title. By the way, I never read the book nor did I see the movie of ‘Sophie’s choice‘, already enough reason not to pick that title. It neither became Sophies world nor Sophie without hesitation, connecting with either a book I did read and the title of this weblog. I do not know if they simply forgot that I made a remark about that, or that someone on the editorial staff likes to poke at me or transsexuality in general. I do not know. Either way though it is very sloppy that they didn’t change the title. I even find it offensive to be honest, have to do justice to my weblog’s title, even moreso that the word choice is in fatter print than Sophies (yes I now it’s called bold).
An apology would be nice for their sloppyness, but with this post as pat on their fingers I am equally pleased.
Gawth, this is my second rant in two days, not healthy, luckily for them that I wasn’t displeased with the picture that went with the article. Though I am not entirely happy with my hair, should have looked in my little mirror a second time before the photographer took his pictures. Oh well, Saturday 20th I will be exactly 6 months on hormones, much more reason to be happy than to be irritated over a title. I stick to my point though.

“Any choice here? No…come, choice, choice where are you? No choice isn’t here! Where’s the choice??? Seems like there is none!”

For over four years now, I haven’t felt love, haven’t been kissed, haven’t had sex. Solitary? My life, in a sense it was. I have friends, I love to see them and have fun with them and talk with them about loads of stuff, even sex. My memory of love and sex is fading by the day though, I don’t feel anything when I think back of it. It was all back in the time that I still tried to fool myself that I could live like a guy, I was hetero in that sense. What am I now, I still don’t like guys, but I’m a woman to the people around me, a woman whom loves women is believed to be a lesbian. I rather though love one person than love women. This is no re-run of  the previous ‘would you be my date’ blog, at least I hope to think so.

Falling in love, don’t we all NOT understand it? I don’t! I don’t even know anymore how it feels. That might be good though, because then it would most probably totally surprise me and make me feel lost and grabbed by my guts by a handful of butterflies. Would it be like that? As I said, I don’t know. I am a person whom needs to give love, but do I know what I really give then? If I’d be honest, NO, but for some reason when someone is in love with me and I love her back she’ll feel loved. That’s how it goes, no explanation, just how it is. Why nobody won’t make me feel loved is a totally different story which I won’t discuss because it would bring us on the topic of that previous post.
I wrote something on a site which has a dating section, where you can put up a little shout as you could call it of up to 600 symbols. It was simply to see if people would respond to it, because what I wrote is somewhat vague and deep, but it’s radically different from those other date-shouts up there. It’s in Dutch, but I’ll put it up here anyway.

De persoon, het individu, het karakter, de uitstraling, het charisma, als dat klopt, als dat je hartje doet kloppen, volgt dan de liefde?

Je oordeelt over woorden, hoe moeilijk is dat? Want bestaan jij en ik alleen uit letters?
En toch vraag ik ‘t van je, en toch doe je het?
Ik wijk af, ik heb een verleden en een toekomst, ik ben positief, ik geef en ik geef nog meer.
Neem je het van me aan, neem je me voor wie ik ben?
Ik ben de muziek waarnaar ik luister, de vrienden die ik liefheb, de lucht die ik adem, en waarom ook niet de woorden die ik typ?

Verklaar jij het mij … de liefde?

It can’t entirely be translated in English so I won’t do so. It comes down to this, also the last sentence, “Can you explain it to me … love?” It can also be read as “Do you declare it to me … love?”.

I am not sure why this came up in me yesterday and why I am writing about it now, but I guess because there is a need, which brings me back to that previous post!

So I found out that vids directly taken from my vidrecorder put on youtube don’t have sound and vision in sync, so I went to play with windows moviemaker again, isn’t that horrible. This vid is in fact a response to a previous post in which I linked you to a video which showed how I changed over the past 4 years, with the amazing music of M83. Now in this vid there’s no music on the forefront, but if you listen carefully you can hear a song from Psapp come by in scene 2 …and I was a bit in a silly mood so ignore the 3 bits at the end okay?

In a previous post I wrote how I was contacted by the university magazine, VOX, from my own univerity, because of my initiative to set out an organisation for transgender and transsexual students here in the Netherlands. After a month of postponing I finally agreed to be interviewed, for the first time in my life someone else will write about me in a publication which will be read by more people than I personally know. It won’t make me famous, it’s not like I’m doing anything spectacular which could create a hype, no way, I’d run away if I were hyped in any way. And I don’t expect anyone coming up to me afterwards asking me: “Aren’t you that tranny???”. Although there do live silly people in this world who might act that stupid, on the other hand it’s not like I was invisible in a crowd before this day. I stood out with my appearance many times, nowadays that’s far less I guess, I’ve become a bit casual to be honest.

So I’ll be interviewed, tell a bit about my situation as a transsexual student, tell about my initiative, GenderQontrast, and it’ll end up on one page of VOX. People whom I know will come up to me and tell me how much they respect my openness about myself and how amazing my initiative is. People whom I don’t know, especially the ones whom I hope to get into the organisation will hopefully contact me. Certain people whom I don’t know, whom are journalists, might contact me because they too want to interview me. So there will be at least a small attention peak towards me, this will also happen to be because there’ll be a press-release from my side to present my initiative. That way I hope to be in control of when all the attention comes toward me, I’m not really someone whom likes to be in the spotlights, I’m too modest and a bit shy. There are actually more important things to be taken care of, like gathering enthousiastic people with whom I can really set up that organisation. Only with a real organisation I can mean something for those other transgender and transsexual students.
We’ll see how much time that takes, I’ll at least make an attempt to post a translation into English of the article soon, which will be in next week’s release of VOX.

So today I bought one, for €10 I am now the proud owner of a body weight scale. It’s not a digital one, I don’t trust cheap digital scales so I bought a classic body weight scale, one with an indicator!
January 30th I wrote about needing to buy a scale after a visit to my edocrinologist whom wanted to know my bare weight next time I’d have an appointment with him. Back then I wrote this: “Last weekend it was approximately 152lbs, which means that on April 30th to my guess it will be 154.5lbs. So let’s wait and see“. Standing on the scale that indicator told me that I had gained *dumdumdum* 18.9lbs, that makes me only 8 pounds removed from being overweight where it once was 26 pounds. So unquestionably my transition has given me an unrivaled weight gain, where I weighed 150lbs for about 8 years I gained 20lbs since I started hormone therapy 5 and a half months ago. Okay I did intentionally eat more for a while but that has diminished, though the weight gain continued, so now I have to diminish it again to see if that halts the weight gain in any way. Becoming overweight wasn’t my intention when I started transitioning, though some bodyfat was welcome, but there needs to be healthy limit to that.
Where did all that fat, because it’s fat that I gained, find it’s place on my body? Well besides my breasts, far most of it has gone to my buttocks, outer thighs, belly, waist and a bit to my hips. I am still hoping the fat on my waist moves down to my hips, so I have to start doing some excercise. I’ve been thinking about jogging a few times a week for some months now, but hasn’t happened yet. I’ll have to get a pair of running shoes and of course jogging suit, but I lack the money in a certain way….the funds are there though. Okay then, next week I’ll have my jogging equipment, that’s a promise to myself!

So since I caught the movie editing virus yesterday, I have now made a video of pictures of how I looked the past 4 years. I won’t embed it here, because I have disabled the embed-function, don’t want this to float over the entire internet, so it’s only viewable on youtube. So go watch my video ‘Changes: May 2004 to March 2008‘, if you want to, that is. If not, then you may browse my blog more or leave it here.

Yes I have given into it, and I hope I’ve done it for the good reasons, I made a video featuring myself in which I have something to tell regarding myself and the documentary ‘She’s a boy I knew‘. I have to warn you, I am a bit odd!!!

So are you convinced now? (about what? well use your brain!)

March 2008
Originally uploaded by Sophie sans scrupule

My current hairstyle isn’t really a hairstyle like one would consider a hairstyle, it was never cut this way to make the coiffure I have when I leave my little home. It’s simply a bush of hair in a multitude of lenghts, I am happy that I can make something out of it, but I’m still waiting ’til I can make more out of it. I actually need to go to a hairdresser and have something proper made out of it, but it’s simply too early for that despite the split ends. I want to wait ’til I can have pretty bangs, that would make a serious difference because I rather not have a bare forehead. As I wrote before I have a lot of hair returning since I started hormone therapy, that hair isn’t yet long enough to be of any use for a new hairstyle. This is the main reason why I postpone going to a hairdresser. I haven’t been to one since 2006, that means I have quite some long hair, but misses the fulness it could have, which makes my curly/wavy hair look dry, which it isn’t. I am not afraid anymore though to show myself un-coiffured, as was the case until a month ago. So yesterday I took some pins and pinned my long hair up except in front and took a darn cute picture of myself, without makeup. Does this mean I’ll go outside with my hair like that, no, not yet, it’s all about the angle of the picture. A side angle would show too much forehead in my perception, so you’ll have the picture to admire and I will coiffure my hair until the bangs are there

On Saturday March 29th I went to see the documentary ‘She’s a boy i knew‘ at the Amnesty International Filmfestival at the Kriterion film theater in Amsterdam. I went together with my brother, because I already read on the documentary’s website that it was meant for the families of transsexuals to see it. So I invited my brother to come along with me to Amsterdam to see this documentary, as far as I know he was very impressed by it. Now I’ll be telling you how I perceived this documentary made by Canadian filmmaker Gwen Haworth.

Not only is Gwen Haworth the maker of this documentary, together with her ex-wife, best friend, and her family she is the subject of the story she tells. This is the story of herself, her past, her transition, her present. Pictures, home-video material, video interviews and animation create a documentary which is impressive in its entirety.
The most important people in Gwen’s life have their own story in this bigger story. There’s the story of her parents, her sisters and even her grand parents. This way she puts the history of herself and her family into an interesting perspective, the people in her story gain a lot of depth this way. It enables the viewer to get a better understanding of the perspective Gwen’s family has on Gwen, her transitioning and her new life. The same goes for Gwen’s best friend Roari and her ex-wife Malgosia.
Malgosia plays an important and impressive role in this documentary. Gwen came out to the people around her when she was already married to Malgosia, at the time they married Malgosia didn’t know of Gwen’s gender dysphoria. To her and Gwen’s family and friends Gwen had been Steven for about 27 years. A guy whom hadn’t shown any signs that he didn’t feel right in his body. Gwen’s coming out to Malgosia caused a lot of sadness and pain in both their lives. The story of Gwen and Malgosia is mostly a story of Steven and Malgosia, home-video material and pictures of the time before Steven became Gwen show a really happy couple. Malgosia’s phrase that she fell in love with Steven, and Gwen isn’t Steven anymore to her, depicts a feeling which is more common among transgendered people whom out themselves to their partner later in marriage. Malgosia deserves a lot of respect for her attitude and dedication towards Gwen, although they didn’t stay a couple, they do still share a love for one another.
The documentary not only shows how Gwen’s relation to Malgosia changes, but also how the change from Steven to Gwen affects her family and how their perception of Gwen changes during her years of transition. Gwen’s parents and two sisters are both interviewed earlier on and later on in Gwen’s transition. It also shows how Gwen’s own attitude to her family changes, something very crucial. It takes a lot from one’s family to understand what is happening with you, and it is important to keep them involved in your life when you transition. It is difficult, especially if your attitude towards them wasn’t one of involving them in your life before you started transitioning. Gwen coped with this very well, it shows the struggles it brings upon her parents, but as Gwen opens up they learn to know her and they continue their love for their child. This is something I encounter in my own process now too, and it still can give me and my parents hard times, but seeing how Gwen’s family came out of this I have good hopes for me and my family.
In that sense and thanks to how it’s presented, showing the difficulties and the laughs ’She’s a boy I knew‘ does give a representation of a person transitioning with a lot of recognition both for families and the person transitioning. It is a positive representation which can give one strength to be yourself and to involve the people around you in a process with a lot of difficulties and pitfalls and the continued love between people whom go through this process of one person together.
This documentary is one to see, one to purchase and absolutely one to spread the word about, as I’m doing here.
Gwen, whom was present at the screening at the AIFF, called upon the community to self-represent oneself. Self representation was one of her biggest motivation to make this documentary and I can understand very well why. There are multiple representations of transgendered people in the media, but few are self representations which are this impressive. Gwen convinced me and I am thinking about extending my self representation beyond this blog into something which can mean empower the transgender community and their families and friends in this perspective. I don’t know if I will succeed, but seeing how Gwen made this happen I have hope for myself. Gwen is a positive and admirable example for the younger generation of transgendered and queer people in this world.
I take this opportunity to thank Gwen for making this documentary and I will do my very best to show it to everyone I know, for they too have to see this marble of a documentary.

Friday March 28th I went to see the documentary ‘A jihad for love‘ at the Amnesty International Filmfestival, screened at the Kriterion film theater in Amsterdam. This documentary is made by Parvez Sharma, an Indian Muslim now living in the United States. This documentary depicts how gay Muslims find a way to be true to themselves and their believes. It shows their struggle with the believes of others and the situation they are in. In a country like Iran gays can face a death penalty, the idea to be unallowed to live if you are true to yourself, is one no one person on this world should be confronted with. Though not all of the persons are both proud of their sexuality and their believes, the proudness that is showed in this documentary projects the strenght these people possess.
One can say a lot about the style of the documentary which isn’t one like ‘An inconvenient truth‘ or ‘Fahrenheit 9/11‘, this documentary finds it’s strenght in the people which it depicts, strong people whom have strong believes and show the love they find in their religious believes as well as in their friends and the oppurtunity to gain freedom wherever in this world. This documentary tells us not to look away anymore when people are discriminated against, are being persecuted, or being forced to flee their country for being homosexual, for being whom they are, being themselves. These are people like me and you whom have loved ones, believes, hopes and dreams, and everyone should have all this in freedom.
I support Amnesty International and will keep doing so, and if I one day can help the cause of Parvez Sharma in an other meaningful way I more than willing to do so.
I recommend everyone whom has a heart for freedom and has an affinity with human rights to watch this documentary.

Tomorrow and Saturday I will go see on both days one film at the Amnesty Filmfestival. It’s a festival with a lot of interesting and intruiging films and documentaries. I’m going to see two documentaries, one about religious muslims whom are gay, A Jihad For Love, and the other about a transgendered woman whom documented her own life, She’s A Boy I Knew. I am really looking forward to seeing both these documentaries, and I will tell you as much as I can about them after the weekend. One thing I can surely tell you already is that you go must see these documentaries, as far as I know they’re both really beautiful and amazingly interesting.

After I broke up with my ex in 2003 it happened only four times that I felt I could feel something more then friendship for a girl. One was right after the break-up with a very special girl, but as you can guess it will not work to start something new right after a break-up. We’re still great friends, and I feel really grateful for that. The second girl which made my heart tick a bit faster came three months after the break-up, she was sweet, older than me, and some complication in relationship terms. In the end the click just didn’t seem there and I lost contact with her. The third girl only caught some deeper interest, also a fellow student as mine like number two, but this was Spring 2006. A time in which I was personally well into my personal transition, but I got aware that I didn’t really feel something more than friendship for her. Number four was even more hopeless, I’d seen her on campus multiple times and met her by coincedence late last year. She seemed really sweet and intelligent, but whatever she seemed when I she first talked about her boyfriend the interest was gone. Due to a slight incident we don’t speak (or see) each other anymore. In the meantime my official transition has begun and I am now living my life. As in 2003 I can impossibly hit on straight girls anymore, but now in 2008 I have seen that lesbian girls aren’t that open towards a transgendered woman. I don’t think much about my sexuality, but the thing is I do like women far more than men, that makes me a lesbian in the case society sees me as a woman, in terms of gender. I do believe I still have a long way to go to be seen as a woman to everyone, and at this stage I get the feeling lesbian girls are curious but not interested. To some I might even be an object on which they can shed their light to fullfill their curiosity.
Now when it comes to dating as lesbian I get sort of insecure because what I just mentioned and personally I’m by far not the most assertive girl in the crowd. So how do I take this on, I first have to meet a fabulous girl and than I must hope she has an open mind and that she’ll learn to know me as a person. I think my personality is my strongest point in charming someone, but even then my situation makes dating more complicated. By far most cisgendered people don’t have to be aware of their gender, they can take it for granted, when they date someone. I can’t go around it, it would be horribly unrealistic if I ignored my gender situation. It is impossible for me to take it for granted when on a date. I went through a lot to get where I am now, and I still have to go through a lot to achieve what I want for myself to be really myself. There’s no way that I want to be alone for the rest of my life, I want to love and be loved, I want to build a family and a future with the person I will love most. It has to start somewhere, but I don’t have any guide to get it started. Do I have to wait ’til people can’t see anymore that I wasn’t born a woman, do I have to limit my spectrum to other lesbian transgendered women, do I have to jump in and get myself hurt by beautiful but hurtful people??? Things have of course progressed since I came to the choice to not get myself involved as long as I didn’t feel ready for it. That was early 2004, and a lot has changed and I do feel ready for a relationship and even more, but the person to be in that relationship with is as yet nowhere to be found. For some reason I don’t meet people whom are really interested in me, and whom are open to me and whom are charmed by my personality. This all sounds disgustingly sad, but the thing is that it does make me sad, and that I should be more assertive to get myself a darn date with a fabulous girl. That is why I will do start writing about my amorous adventures, at least as far as I will have them, if not then I’ll have to write more about the absense of love, won’t I?

Well most of the snow in this vid already melted away by now, one hour after I’ve shot this half a minute of unique footage of snow falling on Good Friday 2008. Not that it’s oh so special, but it was nice to capture this while I was sitting inside my warm and cosy room .

Late Spring last year I dicovered her, for which I am The Ditty Bops deeply thankful. Jesca was listed as one of their friends on their myspace page, any Ditty Bops friend can be a friend of mine I thought. So I went to read, listen, and watch what was on Jesca’s myspace page, and I liked it, I adored it, and I still love it. Especially her video for the song Big Fish gave me a really pleasant feeling, I was in love! So I went on a quest to download her beautiful music, which was hard, because there was to that date no official releases from her. Eventually Soulseek popped up some downloads from a radio-session, known as the KCRW morning becomes eclectic session, and from another website I got a number of live songs. Now I could survive until her debut album Kismet would be released in September that same year.
Though what did I do when Kismet was released in the States? Nothing! I didn’t download it nor did I order it. She was too dear to me to download it from Soulseek and she had some fierce competition from other beautiful artists those months after the release of Kismet. Yesterday though Jesca surprised me, I found Kismet in a record store in Utrecht. I was surprised because I thought she had only released Kismet in the US, but a closer look showed this was a European release. Well what else could I do besides buying the record, well of course there were a lot of other records there which I still want to buy, but Jesca’s surprise was too big to ignore so I finally have Kismet in my possession. Big Fish, the song that made me fall in love with her music isn’t on it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t show it you right here.

And as an extra treat I’ve added the video of her single Money to this post too!

They can sing and make music, they’re really good at it, that’s why I listen to their voices, to their music. I love them as artists, I love them as musicians, I love them because their voices soothe my heart, because their music carresses my soul.
I want to show my love for them, I want to show whom those beautiful women are. Today I’ll tell you about three of them, Chan Marshall (Cat Power), Regina Spektor, and Joan Wasser (Joan as Police Woman).

I first heard one of Chan’s songs on a Belgian radio station in 2003 when her ‘You Are Free’ album was released, I almost instantly fell in love with her voice and music, it’s lightness, it’s darkness, I still love it. The Belgian Radio station was difficult to receive on my radio, which gave an extra charm to hearing Cat Power on the radio, she wasn’t played on Dutch radio. I haven’t seen her play live yet, I do know her history of being somewhat absent during her gigs, but things have changed for the better I have heard. There will come a day that I will enjoy her music and her beautiful voice among the crowd at one of her concerts.

Mid 2005 a friend of mine introduced me to a singer whom made me set my first steps into the alternative folk genre, this was Regina Spektor. The beauty of Regina’s voice had invaded my veins as soon as I played the song which was sent to me over MSN. I bought the yet unofficially released Soviet Kitsch and craved to hear more of her adorable music, and wished to see her play live ever since. Even if I don’t get to see and hear her play live, I will always be willing to give my heart to this beautiful girl.

Regina was soon followed by Joan Wasser, she’s one of the first women after Chan whom soulfully caught my ears and made me swing and swoon. I can’t remember exactly when it was, and how, but it was the song Christobel, of the Joan As Police Woman album Real Life, that hailed Joan into my life. A day before my 24th birthday in 2006 I went to a concert of her, although she was sniffing a lot because of a little cold, the concert was incredible. Joan’s music also pressed my nose even further into the beautiful music of Antony (of Antony and the Johnsons) along with the girls of CocoRosie, I adore Antony, but most importantly I’ll forever adore Joan! This song ‘Eternal Flame’ is one of those reasons for why I adore her.

My initiative (SSIGN) caught the attention of someone working at the editorial office of my university’s university magazine. He says they’re really interested in my initiative and want to interview me. He must have read my blog and the fact that this initiative is still in it’s early stage of development. There’s not much more to tell them at this point than what can be read on the SSIGN weblog. This will mean that there’s at this point in time little chance I’ll be giving any interview, were it to the university magazine or any other media. Of course when you bring news you want to be the first to bring it. From my point of view I will bring the news of my initiative at the moment I think is right for it. That is why I have a weblog running for my initiatie where I decide what I share and when I share it with those whom read it. I am in favor of keeping this in the open and being transparent about this initiative, until this takes the shape of a real organisation its weblog will stay in the air. With information accumulating on it I do risk that certain media run away with the news about its existence without consulting me. For now there’s little info on the SSIGN weblog, bringing news about it would be presumptuous, meaning that there’s too little certain about how things will develop. I hope I won’t be discoverd by many more media and asked about it, because the more people I’ll have to keep waiting the more people can become impatient and might not be interested anymore when I decide the time is right to tell them the SSIGN story. I will reply to the guy from the university magazine and will tell him he’ll have to wait and to simply keep an eye on the SSIGN weblog. I do hope and that’s personal that this media encounter will be more succesful than my two previous ones…don’t ask.. >.< ..it was silly…but then again those who asked me the question were quite silly too, and of another standard than a university magazine. Though, no I don’t suspect this to make me famous, maybe known on my university and among transgendered people in the Netherlands, that’s all. Most importantly all this isn’t about me, but about those young people and students whom can benefit from what my initiative can deliver them.

I’m a student.
I’m a Master-student in developmentstudies.
I plan to graduate from university this year.
I am ill motivated to study.
Then how realistic is it that I will actually finish my study this year?
I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I need to write my final thesis. I’m done with being a student though, I’m not a person whom has the selfishness to achieve greatness for my own good. I want to achieve something for the greater good, that’s why I went to study developmentstudies in the first place. As a student though, I can mean little for the greater good. That is why I am a lousy student, as a person I might be a bit of an einzelgänger, but I’d rather say that I’m a true individual. My greatest goals aren’t aimed at myself to be this true individual, but to have a share in bringing the world together for the greater good of mankind and the planet. If I would be a crowd pleaser instead, who pleases it’s personal crowd by showing good grades, and applies for an intellectuals confirmation of my insight and knowledge in developmentstudies, then I’d achieve merely the satisfaction of the people around me which consequently satisfies my insecurity about my capability to handle life after university. I am in doubt about what life will bring after finishing my study, but I am not insecure about it and I feel no need to please the people around me with amazing grades. Okay, it would be nice to finish my study with a nice grade, only to please my opinion that my previous grades could have been better. I have some dissatisfaction about that, but I have no ulterior motivation to make it happen. What do the people who live on less than a Euro a day care about if I have had an amazing grade for my final thesis, they have more important things to care about. So do I!
“The world is unfair” someone said to me twice yesterday. I can’t fashion the world in my views, I’m merely a student, but I won’t be a pawn of the world! I am an individual, whom wants to learn, though my achievements need to be judged on something else than current intellectual opinion if I write something down this way or the other way. I like theory, absolutely, but I’m better with everyday practice, there I find my insight to be most usefull. The lessons of my actions in practice mean much more to me than the grades on my university degrees.
At the moment I am trapped in the system though. I have a large study-debt standing, which I could half if I graduate, and without the Master-degree in my pocket I will have little chance to start my working career in a function of any meaning. It will also mean a lower wage scale which makes repaying my debt, which will start in 2011, more difficult. Also certain issues concerning my transition could become troublesome if I lack the income for financing these certain issues. Despite this I continue to be an optimist, I will graduate in December this year and I will find myself a suitable job. That doesn’t mean I won’t struggle with all of what I’ve just written down, I will have to make this work myself, and if I won’t succeed I can’t blame the system, because I won’t be that pawn that many students around me are willing to be.
As soon as I start writing my final thesis I will give an update, because I might become interesting, I have new ideas and a chance for new found motivations.

So this time I specially made a picture to compare myself with how I looked almost 3 and a half years ago, long before I started my hormone treatment. The left one is from November 2004 when I just had my new fashionable hairstyle, the right one was taken at the end of February 2008, which was early this afternoon .

So besides my change of hairstyle, you can also see the slight changes in my face caused by the hormone treatment. And indeed I am almost 4 years older in the right picture, would you believe that?

So yesterday I went for a bit of shopping in downtown Nijmegen, despite knowing there would be masses of people also strolling around there, and I dislike masses of people they always get in my way, especially the slow folks. This isn’t a Sans scrupule post no this post is about a beautiful piece of clothing. There’s a store in Nijmegen called Blue Moon where they sell a wide range of different fashions of clothing, most is above my budget range but a lot is still at my top budget range. So I went to fit a pair of pants and a bright pink horizontally black striped tunic. The pants were tight which isn’t that bad though if it weren’t for my increasing weight of past few months I would’ve bought it, and if it weren’t for a broken pocket zipper. So the pants stayed there and the tunic stayed with me. There was another tunic I saw there which made my heart beat faster, and if it weren’t for its price of 80 euros my heart would have kept beating faster. I am awful at describing so here’s an image I got from a webstore where they also sell products from that brand of clothing, YUMI.

So I went to fit that one too, knowing I couldn’t pay for it now, knowing I still hadn’t found a right pair of pants and knowing I also wanted to buy a ladyshave, and that my budget range even hardly allows those purchases. This majorly influenced my opinion of how it looked on me, and the fact that I wasn’t feeling comfortable because I was transpiring due to the temperatures in the store (there’s no airco). So even if it really fit nice and still looked awesome worn by me I decided not to buy it, now I’ve found it at this webstore called Uttam Direct for a better price, but still expensive. I really need to find myself a job, also because there’s a little traveling scheduled early Fall with Jessie, which is actually more important than any tunic.

I’d probably be totally shocked if today had been any different from any regular other day in my life. Apart from having little sleep last night and babysitting a 20th month old toddler during the day, today was no different from any day, or any February 14th in the past 4 years for that matter. Like any day today wasn’t a bad day, I don’t have bad days anymore, even disturbing incidents can’t make a day bad, I might have a lousy day, but my lousy days aren’t bad either. Today was yawnful, with some huge yawns during mid day, that was due to the little sleep I had. My yawning is exemplary though for what I think of a day like February 14th. I know how in the whole of the Western world this day is sold as the day of love, the thing is that I don’t buy it! Not only because I’ve been single for over 4 years even lacking a healthy single’s lovelife, and that back when I had a relationship I had gf who didn’t care a bit about February 14th, but simply because this day isn’t any special from any other. If I’d love someone she’d know it long before the 14th, love might be sold as something special on a day like this, but my love is special on any day ljust ike the love I’d be getting from my sweetheart. It wouldn’t need to be put under a magnifying glass wrapped in a heartshaped box looking like chocolates, it only needs me. That doesn’t mean I would never pamper my lover, but if I’d do so that would be because pampering her is part of how I show my love not part of some commercialized tradition on February 14th.
So I’ll be trying to yawn especially on Valentine’s day, to show my sentiment, but I won’t be doing it principally, because it might happen that someone really special would distract me that much that I forget to yawn. No big deal, I’d even like that, because yawning even as a social activity (you know what I mean!) isn’t that much of a charming activity.

Have a nice February 15th!

This post is an ode to Julia Serano … she gets my respect forever, especially for this outspoken word performance.

Thank you Julia … I’ll be cocky with you

There is a new link among my links in the What about gender? section. It’s a link to my new weblog here on wordpress called SSIGN, which is short for: Student body for the Support of transgender students and Information on Gender issues, the Netherlands. Would you have come up with that? No, you wouldn’t, it’s a bit silly, but it works, and still it’s only a working title for exactly that what it says. This student body is still an idea, not yet worked out to really be embodied in a true organisation. I do hope to make it happen, which will mean there’ll be an organisation which can support and represent transgender students in the Netherlands and which will be able to inform the public of the existence of gender diversity and in the end I’d like to achieve some emancipation for the transgender students in the Netherlands.

I myself am now almost at the end of my universitary study, my effort to be myself on campus was something I managed on my own with difficulty, though the biggest obstacle was really personal. I found a respecting community on campus who’d respect me as I am, no discrimination and no human onbstacles. I do suppose that not all transgendered students in the Netherlands have this virtue, and besides that it would have been nice if I got help from an organisation like the one I will be trying to set up.
The weblog for SSIGN is in Dutch, but I do hope to get a sister-blog up and running in English for the international students studying in the Netherlands. Eventually when SSIGN is set up it will have it’s own website which will make the blog obsolete, until then the SSIGN blog will be the place to be for transgendered Dutch and international students in the Netherlands.
If you’re interested in helping me out, or want more information, then please leave behind a comment here or at SSIGN and I will contact you.

He was wrong! Though that might be too harsh, my experience is more positive than what he made me expect. So what is this about? It’s about the hair on my head, the hair thought I had lost and the hair that returned. Due to the fact that testosterone had run through my body until age 25, I had a diminished amount of hair on my head. This was one of the things physical developments which was worrying me most before I started hormones. I knew it would happen before it began happening, because my uncles of both sides and my dad are the living proof of what my genes and the testosterone would do to the hair on my head.
I had tried to do something about it since 2005, but I wasn’t bold enough to do something about the slow action of my physician here in Nijmegen and the coordinator of the Genderteam in Nijmegen. Whom were supposed to contact eachother about it in 2006, but they failed multiple times. So in October 2007 when I started hormone treatment nothing had bee