Category Archive

That women are used and can be observed as sexual objects in modern day society is nothing unfamiliar. I am a woman and I am aware of this, and I disagree with this image of women because I am a person not an object. Sexualization is a process in the eye of the observer, mostly men indulge in this to make touching themselves easier. Men whom do that not only lack a healthy sexual fantasy, they have no regard of the women’s physical integrity. Though now we transcend to an aspect of me which is not purely physical trait but moreso a mental trait of those (mostly) men whom sexualize this. It is my transsexuality. Now I am very much aware of sh*-m*l* porn, and fetishist crossdressers whom like to show their little hobby on diverse websites. I do not and cannot personify myself with these people whom purposely sexualize their skewed gender and sexual identity. They make themselves the object of sexual desires of others, I on the other hand do not so, I am simply myself, not showing any parts of my body in such a manner that a healthy sane man would get aroused by it. The sad thing is that this world has its large collection of insane men whom can’t make that difference when looking at someone who’s changing or has changed sex, as transsexuals do. The sexualization of transsexuals whom don’t make themselves purposely sexual objects happens entirely in the heads of these men, it’s an internal process. This can be observed within subscriber lists of vlogging transsexuals on youtube. If you check other subscriptions or simply the collection of favorites of certain subscribers you’ll see that they in majority subscribe or favor vids of crossdressers/sh*-m*l*s, but also certain transsexuals whom think it’s normal that women are sexual objects and act like it. By both subscribing to these sexual objects and plain transsexuals whom simply show themselves as a person, these subscribing men proof that they sexualize them all. It is difficult to believe that for the sane moments they would want to watch unsexualized vids of transsexuals, their line of thought that changing sex is erotic and should be rewarded with some eerie white goo, will simply not be out of function. As mentioned the sexualization happens within these men’s heads, it only needs the image of either a crossdresser/sh*-m*l* or plain transsexual. The questions is though why they don’t stick to the first two whom purposely sexualize themselves. Their sexual thoughts must be really intrusive to them that they grab everything that slightly resembles the thought they have sexualized. The problem though is that transsexuals don’t slightly resemble the idea they are the true realization of this idea, but how come? What is really behind this observable sexualization, are these men only closetted crossdressers, or do they truly have Gender Identity Disorder and simply have fetishized their own personality, being actually closeted transsexuals? Researching this is a little too obscure for me, so I’ll theorize about this.
Sexualizing your own deepest feeling of being a woman is something commonly observed and even attempted to use to set up transsexuals against eachother. These possible closeted transsexuals for one make no difference between sexualizing crossdressers and transsexuals, that would mean they themselves have unsuffiiently tried to understand themselves. They are stuck in the thought that changing sex is erotic and not something personal which they can deal with effectively with therapy and maybe in the end gender reassignment. The thing is that you can’t continue sexualizing part of your deepest being and at the same time turn it in sane reality to be yourself. Handling the sexualization of a thought might just be easier to cope with than being aware that you sexualize your own person, in which you might feel yourself harassed by yourself.
Though what about those whom simply are closeted crossdressers or chasers, these are plain fetishists whom simply ignore the integrity of transsexuals because they have probably seen everything every crossdressing sexual object or panty-fetishist has produced on the web and are left with the plain transsexuals. They use their fantasy to undress one and imagine a dick on everyone. If you ask me they could just as well watch any woman and fantasize a dick on us. For some reason they prefer ugly awefully dressed crossdressers, maybe because they really have dicks but most don’t have real breasts. Should these closeted fetishist crossdressers not ask themselves if they are not perhaps gay men whom don’t allow themselves to enjoy their true gayness? Who’ll tell, I acctually am not that interested to know.
Know this though, any subscriber on my youtube channel whom has a hint of being a sexualizing pervert won’t be accepted. I won’t let myself be sexualized for their pleasure, and I won’t be observably brought into connection with those whom purposely make sexual objects out of themselves.

So far my rant, I thought of doing this as video-log, but the thing is my written English is simply better than my spoken English

So she finally responded, calling herself cowardess for not responding for so long. And I agree, it was cowardess of her. If I am that honest to tell her of my insecurity towards the possibilities for developing a friendship with her, then she doesn’t respond to that for over a month, then indeed she is cowardess. Ow but my opinion shocked her, and even hurt her, probably because I was a bit vague regarding my opinion about her social life. My first conclusion to this is that if I meant so little to her, because we hardly know eachother yet, then my words wouldn’t in any way could have hurt her, or she takes herself much too serious and doesn’t care if she might have misunderstood my words! So I was that kind without her asking to elaborate on my previous vague opinion as well as what I thought I had explained clearly about my own insecurity. I might have relieved her from her shock and pain, so she should be glad I responded again. On the other hand her response on what I first wrote, besides mentioning her shock and pain, was examplary of selective reading, an unability to attempt to fully understand someone elses words, making her response full of false presumptions and dishonest conclusions. Her response was clear though, and I could imagine someone wouldn’t fully understand my words as I have meant them to be read, so I apoligized to a degree. For what it’s worth she doesn’t need to feel sorry about her response, and I don’t give a damn anymore about this whole story. I move on and will find my friends somewhere else, people who aren’t too busy to spend time with someone who’s willing to have a good time with them, people who don’t tell me they can never meet, people whom also take the initiative to meet up, and whom aren’t scared by my honesty, and don’t make dishonest presumptions about how I think about a friendship.
Anne can go have her dull life with her boyfriend and friends, whom all stuck with her after highschool only because they all got to study in the same city. She is socially spoiled, that’s my opinion, there are people like me whom really need to put an effort in having a satisfying social life, normally it isn’t noticeable how much a potential friendship already means to me, and thus can’t cause any problems, if it were even a problem for someone else. Well for Anne it was a problem to see how much I already mentally invested in our friendship, especially by putting her own false interpretation on my opinion and feelings. I think I was too kind to respond again, but I’m not someone whom likes to be left misunderstood. Goodbye Anne, this is closure, I will spend my time on people whom deserve it, you are now officialy passé!

I’d probably be totally shocked if today had been any different from any regular other day in my life. Apart from having little sleep last night and babysitting a 20th month old toddler during the day, today was no different from any day, or any February 14th in the past 4 years for that matter. Like any day today wasn’t a bad day, I don’t have bad days anymore, even disturbing incidents can’t make a day bad, I might have a lousy day, but my lousy days aren’t bad either. Today was yawnful, with some huge yawns during mid day, that was due to the little sleep I had. My yawning is exemplary though for what I think of a day like February 14th. I know how in the whole of the Western world this day is sold as the day of love, the thing is that I don’t buy it! Not only because I’ve been single for over 4 years even lacking a healthy single’s lovelife, and that back when I had a relationship I had gf who didn’t care a bit about February 14th, but simply because this day isn’t any special from any other. If I’d love someone she’d know it long before the 14th, love might be sold as something special on a day like this, but my love is special on any day ljust ike the love I’d be getting from my sweetheart. It wouldn’t need to be put under a magnifying glass wrapped in a heartshaped box looking like chocolates, it only needs me. That doesn’t mean I would never pamper my lover, but if I’d do so that would be because pampering her is part of how I show my love not part of some commercialized tradition on February 14th.
So I’ll be trying to yawn especially on Valentine’s day, to show my sentiment, but I won’t be doing it principally, because it might happen that someone really special would distract me that much that I forget to yawn. No big deal, I’d even like that, because yawning even as a social activity (you know what I mean!) isn’t that much of a charming activity.

Have a nice February 15th!

In a certain Dutch forum someone posted the following opinion (translated from Dutch):
She first points out an observation, there are certain transsexuals (male-to female) who wanted to have there semen frozen in to use it after they’ve fully transitioned to impregnate their (female) partner.
The following is her opinion on this:
“No I just can’t put my mind to it ….wanting to be a woman and at the same time still reproducing as a man????!!!!
I found that very strange …….what surprised me even more is that these people see it as their absolute right(you know like in human rights and things like that) to reproduce with their male seed after they’ve finished transitioning. Go try and do that as a genetic (lesbian) woman ….impregnating your female partner with your own semen ……
Human rights they called it, but there is no other woman who can impregnate another woman with her own sperm.
In my opinion that counts as ‘extra’ rights for male-to-female transsexuals.“
She continued in a later post in the same topic:
“In a purely legal point of view the transwoman who’s become legally a woman will still be the legal father of ‘her’ child. You will have a woman who needs to acknowledge paternity of the child ……very awkward if you ask me.
ALSO totally not logical.“

What is this discussion and close-minded opinion to me? Well I am a male-to-female(M2F) transsexual (still pre-op) who has chosen to have semen frozen in for later use when I want to have children of my own. To a mild degree I take offence of this opinion. Although this opinion is badly argued and seems to be the mere result of a negative sentiment towards M2F’s who don’t discard all the aspects of what’s presumed to represent biological masculinity. I could tell you more about the person who posted this opinion on that particular forum, but I find it of no interest to do so. I will make my point here, because I think I have a point and a right.

I wanted to have children when I would be adult and in a relationship already before I was a aware of my gender dysphoria, which was before the age of 10. This wish didn’t go away, but the more I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to be a male adult the more I was afraid that it would never happen. Somewhere just before starting my gradual pre-hormone transition I found out that there would always be the possibility to have my semen frozen in, I sticked to this and so I did that just before I started my hormone treatment.
I had a fully male body for over 25 years, only capable to reproduce in the biologically male manner. As soon as I would become legally a woman after srs I wouldn’t be capable of any reproduction at all. This would mean a loss to me because I deeply desire to have children of my own. And although I will become a woman I will not be able to bare a child, even though I would really want to, in that sense I will not differ from biological women who’re infertile. Though do I have to condemn myself to a childless future? Okay there’s always the possibilities of an anonymous sperm donor or worse, adoption. The semen which is now being preserved in 21 straws at the fertility department of the nearby hospital is my only option to have children of my own. Yes the semen is the product of the fact that I was born male, and yes this bodily product has disgusted me many many times. The fact that the organ which produces it and the semen itself disgust me, doesn’t make me give up my wish to have children of my own. The benefit of having been a fertile man is that I can have children of my own, and I have to be realistic I need that semen to have children carrying my genes. I would be a fool to give that up and become an infertile woman who’ll never have children of her own. The person who posted that opinion above is not like me a lesbian, in my view that makes a big difference. When you become a heterosexual woman after transition then you’ll have no use of having semen from your male past frozen in for later reproductive use. I wish it were possible for M2F to ovulate and become pregnant , if that was possible then I would probably not have chosen to  contain semen. Fact is, it isn’t possible, and there’s no one else beside me to judge if I’m allowed to have children of my own or not! And I truly believe that if a lesbian couple would be able to have children carrying both their genes without needing an anonymous sperm donor then they would do so. I presume I will get in this situation one day, that day I will make use of what once my reproductive organ produced and after 9 months I will hold a child who not only resembles my partner but also me. And that is what is the issue here! I would do anything to make that happen, I’m that passionate about it, and anything meant jerking that horrible thing between my legs in disgust. In my opinion that semen doesn’t resemble my biological masculinity, but one half of the children I will one day hold in my arms!
And I can agree with those people whom see this as their right to have semen frozen in for later reproductive use. As they have like everybody in the world the right of family life. That right is used by those who visit fertility clinics and those whom adopt a child from somewhere else in the world. My right for family life is unseparable from the possibilities to have a family life, that possibility is in my case having my semen frozen in before I started hormone treatment. I differ from infertile women for having that possibility, but isn’t it so that I already differ from biological women because I wasn’t born a woman? I think so, that might lead to the discussion if I will really be a woman after srs as you might think of what a M2F desires. That discussion isn’t the issue here, but I can be short on it, for me it’s about being myself and not about being a woman.
As soon as my semen has lead to a pregnancy of my partner and subsequently the birth of a child I will become her/his parent and one of her/his two mothers. To assume that the fact that I delivered the semen makes me the father is a short-sighted assumption. I don’t know the exact laws on this here in the Netherlands, but it is hard to believe that a person who’s legally a woman can become legally a father which is only possible for men. Also, when a child is born from a donor father in a lesbian relationship than the woman who hasn’t carried the child can become legal parent. Also the sperm donor is never a legal parent, nor a legal father, only the biological father. In my case I will be the biological father which might be documented somewhere but isn’t of interest in daily life, what is visible to the child and to its surroundings is that I am her/his mother. Though like with two mothers in a lesbian relationship there is one whom has carried the child. I will not have a double position, because in the relationship with my child I can only be her/his mother and in no way a father because I am not a man and have no intention to take the gender specific father role within my future family. If I need to accept paternity of my child because the law asks this of me then I there is always the choice of going to court, in the mean time I can become legal caretaker of the child, because the chance that will be opposed by anyone is negligible as in I will still have a legally registered relationship with the mother of the child, my partner. And as that this option is possible in a lesbian marriage and contracted relationship then this option is equally possible for me and my partner as long as my biological parenthood isn’t legally accepted. The question is if I will really oppose to having to accept legal paternity, it’s merely a formality. The question arises about how the child will handle this situation, and in my opinion a child will more easily handle having his/her two biological parents as legal parents than when one biological parent is an anonymous donor.
If you have any well argued opinions which can refute what I’ve written here, then I certainly like to hear them.

For whom has read this entirely, a sincere thank you!

Sans scrupule is a special category of postings which are about experiences of mine, which left a negative feeling behind that I just need to get off my chest. This might hurt someones feelings, but I didn’t name this blog ‘Sophie sans scrupule’ to keep all my irritations to myself. I’m only being honest, telling my feelings and opinions, no truths, so if you consider my words to be the truth than that’s your problem. I’m being harsh here, I know, just one tip: comment if you have something to say concerning this and future ‘sans scrupule‘ posts. (ps. everyone can comment wordpress blogger or not)

Die Disco Fever
I went out, to a party, a party for gays, lesbians and bisexuals, together with a group of people from the local GLB-youth organization. I didn’t have any high expectations as I always lack with these kind of parties. Yes I’m lesbian, no I don’t like most gay music or other dance and mixes they play at these kinds of parties. I can manage though. Years ago I learnt to dance to this kind of music when the music played at my favorite bar in Venlo (near to where my parents live) went downhill, they had a dance floor there. When I first came there over 9 years ago, the music was amazing, alternative and still highly danceable. Yes I danced to Rammstein, also to Moloko and Korn … if I could put my energy and frustration in it I would dance it. That changed, not only did the music change, also my need to let out frustration passed. So to still have fun, because I love to dance, I learnt to dance to Beyonce, Outkast and the likes of them. My musical taste also changed from nu-metal oriented to indiepop/rock and eighties and modern new wave oriented, meaning to say that I don’t disgust pop but I still prefer guitars and alternative pop above manufactured unoriginal pop. I even love dance music like Underworld, Daft Punk, Fatboy Slim and Basement Jaxx. Though don’t come up to me with Dutch techno, revived 90s house music or any other bad dance music!
The thing is that I am a social animal too though, so although I know what music I can expect, gay tunes and bad dance music ow and maybe an Outkast or Justin Timberlake, I do go to these kind of parties to attempt a fun social night out. So when I went out with my GLB friends I didn’t went out to have a night of fun dancing. The problem is though that music can really influence my enjoyment of an evening like this, I do try to have fun and I do dance, but whatsoever I won’t have the best time of my life.
Now there’s another thing about these GLB-parties. As an inbetweeny, meaning not yet fully woman, and not to be considered male, not even gay male. This isn’t something I chose for and it isn’t something I like people to judge me on. It makes me insecure and a little bit anti-social. At these parties there’s of course also kids, yes kids, you are a kid when you’re 20 or younger. Kids whom think it’s fun to drink a lot and try to catch someones attention just for the fun of it. I happen to know two of them, because they’re in the same GLB-group in which I am, who were there accompanied by some of their friends. Among them was a gay boy, about whom I just want to state that he was a horrible dancer, and yes if you’re a horrible dancer who’s trying to catch my attention than I’ll simply ignore you. I’m a bit of a bitch in that sense. One of the two kids I know, both are girls and lesbian, happens to like beer and not just a little of it. I dislike beer, I dislike obnoxious drunk people, even when they’re women. What do drunk lesbian girls do whom have grown up to listen to bad dance music and the likes of Beyonce? Just for funs they ride their ass up to you, how enjoyable, NOT. My background of how I experience dancing has no connection to rubbing asses up to someone. 1. It’s too intimate. 2. Only persons whom I’d have no problem with if they’d do that would be my best friend Sabrina and if I’d have a girlfriend, my girlfriend. 3. Did you ever see people rub asses up to someone else at indierock or deathrock parties? No. 4. I’m not a kid anymore.
So the drunk girl put me in an uncomfortable situation, for which I could hate her, but I don’t hate people, I pity them. Now the other girl, who’s a bit younger than the drunk girl, thinks I’m interesting. She’s a beautiful girl, I’d even kiss her if I weren’t such a romantic fool. We’re worlds apart, even when she’s sitting next to me, not only because she’s a kid and her preference for pop and (bad) dance music. In our view of the world, of social life and probably the future she’s on a whole other level. That’s her right. I’m sadly enough not the type to invest in bridging these differences, as everybody I’m equally judgmental. Certain people really need to proof themselves, thinking of me as interesting isn’t enough. I can cope with the difference and do small talk, but don’t expect me to join your pleasure at such a gay party which is a surrounding which estranges me from myself and makes me feel displaced. I am not making excuses here, this is just the way I feel about it. If it were up to me alone I would have went to another party at Doornroosje with music I like to dance to, there’s a reason why I’ve never been to Inferno (where the gay party was) before! You now might question why I even joined my GLB-friends to this party, well when you’re with a group of GLB people you go to a GLB party. There we are among like-minded, is the notion. The problem is that I will never feel among like-minded when shit music is booming into my head, music means to much to me, but I don’t deny the advantages of GLB-parties, I just don’t like the music. So I go there for the advantages, which is among others for my GLB-friends to feel among like-minded, so they are comfortable and fun to be around with. Other advantage is the possibility of meeting a cute girl there, for the chance of her being open to me and romantically interested is higher than at non-GLB-parties, I think. Yes I did see some cute girls there . If I could organize a party though, I’d make it a normal alternative dance/indierock party open to everyone but especially for gay and lesbian folks. Conclusive question: will I ever go to such a GLB-party again? I will keep my issues with these kind of parties and the kids coming there, but I’m also still open to the suggestion of considering to join my GLB-friends again…. hope you understand what I mean. Yes I’m vague!