Category Archive

Last Tuesday I had my first appointment with my speech coach. We talked a bit about the state of my voice the progress I already made on my own and the bits and parts of my speech and voice which need refinement. She is quite excited, called it an adventure, and she has experience with male-to-female transsexuals, so I’m sure she’ll be able to really guide me in this. Most importantly was that she was certainly impressed by my already made progress on my voice, and of course this pleased me very much. Having an experts opinion on my voice and speech means a lot to me, but the true deal is my experience with the people around whom don’t know me but to whom I do speak and whom don’t notice anything about my voice.
It’s really a wonderful experience to have people address me and see as whom I am. And there’s more and more of them, this is the most important development in my transition since starting hormones thus far.
This is also reflected in my increased social life, I should not cower away from going even further …flirting!

On th physical side of transition things are still going steadily in the right direction. I have a feeling that my arm hair is finally becoming visably less than before HRT, but I could be wrong. What I’m not wrong about are my breasts, unlike what many girls like me experience with breast growth mine are hardly painful as what I’ve read from others. At some times there is a nagging soreness, but nothing which really bothers me.
The stage I have now arrived at with breast development allows me to show some vague cleavage for the first time, with help of the pads I mentioned in previous blogs and an other model of t-shirt bra of which I bought two this week. Beside that I don’t have any interesting physical news to come up with, some aspects simply need more time, and I’m simply a patient girl.
Interesting of the past month is that I’m increasingly involving myself in the transgender community here in the Netherlands, there’s some exciting developments concerning GenderQontrast and socially I’m also extending my network in the community.
It’s a big change from when I started the whole process when I was quite hesitant about contact with others, but I’ve come to see the value of being part of the transgender community.

Next update will be the nine month anniversary of my real-life experience, which is halfway the official term that stands for it here in the Netherlands. Then I’ll try to write some more, like about the whole process I’m in.

Another month has passed, the 7th of my hormone therapy, and that should mean I have something to tell about it. And I have some things to tell, but not as much as past transtition updates.
In all honesty I can say that things are still going steady. Physically everything seems to be alright and on track and mentally I’m emotionally opening up little by little.
So what else can be told?
Well a number of aunts and uncles have seen me as me for the first time, this was at my parents birthday early May. It went quite well, I had some conversations concerning my situations, but besides that there was little different from previous birthdays. So that went okay, didn’t cause any emotional distress.
Also worth mentioning is that someone whom has seen and spoken to me at the lunch for GLB students (which I organize with some other people on campus) hadn’t noticed that I was transsexual until she overheard me mentioning it to someone else at the latest lunch. The thought that everyone notices my transsexuality when I come in close contact with them is thus false, at least one person didn’t notice it and maybe more haven’t noticed yet. I’m quite open about my transsexuality also thinking that people notice it, but I’m not turning in my openness for a life in  stealth. No way! I’m happy to be open about my situation at this time, being still in transition. This was a positive experience, that girl was totally cool about it.
I almost forgot, but I also had my hair cut the day before my parents held their birtday. What’s so special about that you might ask? Well, my hair hadn’t been professionally cut for about 2 years. Most part of those two years I was too ashamed and insecure to have my hair cut. I mentioned this in previous posts, I was going bald before I started hormone treatment, that’s something really scary for me and probably for any other woman. So hormones had resolved the baldness and now it was time to have my hair cut, the only point of doubt about having it done was my hairline which hadn’t really changed, only at the temples, but it went well and the hairdresser acted very polite and did a good job for merely taking off 3 inches. Next time I hope to get bangs and have my hair layered, that’ll be in August or September.
And well finally, what I already wrote about in the post from earlier today, I bought a bikini top. For the plain reason that I can now wear one, becaeus I possess what a bikini top is ought to fashionably hide, my little breasts. So that’s progress and reason to do some sun bathing this summer.

So these were the events worth telling you about of last month, maybe I have something more to tell about my physique next month, but as things seem to happen only steadily I’ll probably have little more to mention than today. Though you never now, I might just start the permanent hair removal on my face .

Today exactly half a year ago I started with my hormone therapy, so I actually had something to celebrate, but I didn’t get to that, but I did get to writing my update .

Thursday I went for my second once-every-three-months appointment with my endocrinologist and this time the first time with my new gender therapist. Each appointment with an endo was with a different person, so on thursday I had a younger woman asking me a few questions measuring blood pressure, my weight and for some unparticular reason also my lenght. She was quite kind, so I hope to have her at least one of the next appointments. Then after that I could go straight away to my new gender therapist. She was well prepared, had probably read my entire file twice and she’d talked about me with my previous therapist, whom had been my therapist since June 2005. So we started of almost right where stopped last visit to my former gender therapist. I shared the things which bothered me and the things which made me feel more and more comfortable with myself and my surroundings. All in all, I have no reason to be displeased with my new therapist, she’s probably some years older than the other one, but she’s youthful and knows what she wants to ask me. In that sense she as just a little bit more straight forward, but I don’t mind, I’m looking forward to talking about myself more often. It won’t be as often as I’ve spoken with the previous one, but still worth to look forward too.
While I’m writing this here I feel an odd kind of mixture of tiredness and being made love with (at least it comes close to that feeling), I presume I just need to get me something to drink, not that this is an unpleasant feeling, but I need to keep focused to tell you about everything else .
So let me get to what the hormones been doing with me this past month, starting with that gorgious body of mine . I have come to acknowledge that my lips got a little bit fuller, which is good, makes them more kissable ..*haha*.. so why would I complain about that. Also I went to see how my figure has changed by making a full body picture with my webcam from behind, a picture which is of course kept very private. And what really struck me was that my outer thighs right where my butt is at its widest are almost as wide as my shoulders, so I’m really really happy about that. I don’t know how my figure is going to develop further on, but I suppose not much, at least not if I didn’t gain weight, which is not something I’m really striving for. I already gained enough, even lost some weight again, but I’m okay with the weight I have now. Anything else on my body still changing? Well of course, my breast growth continues slowly but steadily. The development is less than an inch compared to three months ago, but for some reason I am believed to fit a 38B bra now, oh well I promised not to give any figures unitl the 9 month update so I’ll refrain myself from that . They at least got more rounded, though that went along with a few weeks of more sensitiveness and sometimes painful pinches, all worth the progress!
Thus yeah my figure has clearly gotten more feminine, the sad thing is is that my body hair doesn’t seem to agree with that and still grows, though not as much as before hormone therapy, on places where every woman would love to be clean of body hair.
Despite the hair issues bothering me I still have the hair on my head issue pleasing me very much… I realy can’t wait for the day that it’s long enough to get myself those pretty bangs.
So as I said to my new gender therapist, I habe absolutely become more confident these past few months, some things are becoming more normal to do and less difficult to handle. There is still a long way to go, the facial hair needs to go, the voice needs improvement, the body hair needs to f*ck off, the adam’s apple needs a shave, my breasts wouldn’t mind to be one cup-size bigger, and then there’s that issue between my legs which needs to be reshaped and last but not least I’m still looking for the love of my life… in the longer run she’ll probably be there… I’m sure of it, just like all these other issues will get solved.

ah my future in this perspective, why would I worry? ….oh yeah, finishing my study and getting a job and a house to live in… hmm… well that’s something entirely different

Now there’s only one month left before the half a year anniversary of beginning my hormone treatment. This means I have to contact the German surgeon whom I want to perform my srs. If this is arranged it would mean that I could be operated shortly after the official real-life experience period has ended in Spring of next year. There’s certain things I want to manage before that, like officially changing my name, so I’ll have the right name on my university diploma.
What’s bothering me now is that I am not really assertive in managing a lot things which I need to manage. It’s not only because of tiredness spells, which have become quite apparent this last month. I am struggling quite a bit to be myself, sometimes life feels heavy. It doesn’t depress me, it’s simply difficult and often tiresome to do the effort of being myself with this body I have. Most important thing probably is the issue of facial and body hair, the body hair isn’t retreating as fast as I wish it would do, and the facial hair is an issue of painful removal for which I have to contact a clinic, for which I need to be a little more assertive. It often feels absurd to stand in front of the bathroom mirror with shaving cream on my face, it sometimes feels like someone pulled a joke with me. Well, I can tell you, there’s nothing funny about shaving your face, getting up in the morning is every morning waking up with a hairy rash on my face. So yeah maybe I will, I really should, call the clinic tomorrow to start getting over this horrible rash!

The hormone treatment started banging on the wall which held back most of my emotions sometime last month, and it seems to have made some serious cracks in that wall. Luckily I don’t have moodswings, but there are certain issues which are very emtional to me, like the problem surrounding my motivation to study. I now know what it feels like to be unable to prevent myself from crying. Last time I had to confront myself with my study problem, I was simply forced to cry by my emotions although I totally didn’t want to cry. It is a bit weird, but obviously part of my transition, for years I had held back crying about emotional stuff, even though I was quite emotional in my younger years and cried easily. I had raised a wall to keep back most emotions, to not show my feelings of hurt, now this wall is being torn down. It makes me curious about how I’m going to handle my emotions from now on.  I will learn to live with it that’s for sure.

Well despite all the tiresomeness and emotionalities, my life in transition has also learnt me to live with applying make-up on a daily basis. Did I look up to putting on foundation every day only months before the start of my real-life experience, now I apply it with an ease of ‘that’s done in a jiffy‘. That doesn’t deny the fact that I will be very glad to be rid of putting on foundation as soon as the facial hair removal reaches it’s goal. Make-up is now necessary, but I’m not anti-makeup, I prefer looking natural, that’s all.

I do think the make-up helps me in being more passable than if I wouldn’t use it. The reaction of random people on my appearance isn’t as if they’re abhorred by my appearance, but I’m not consequently ma’am-ed either. The reason behind that could be the local culture in which people hardly sir or ma’am one another if appropriate, it could also be my youth which makes it not that common to ma’am me. Or I simply don’t get myself involved in situation in which I could be ma’am-ed, it’s hard to say, but I don’t see it as a problem. You know why? Well nobody has sir-ed me since when I started my real-life experience. I know my voice isn’t worked well yet, but I don’t sound manly which helps, I think. Honestly I don’t need to be ma’am-ed to feel like a woman, I want to be myself and I can be myself, and I simply don’t get the feeling from my surroundiing that I’m being misread, that’s what it is about.

This month there’s no news on physical developments, my weight might be fluctuating, but I haven’t bought that scale yet so I can’t tell. Besides that nothing else seems to visibly be going on with my body, maybe I’d need feedback from others to tell me if someting has changed, though I won’t be showing anyone my bare breasts. No way!
Next diary update will be on April 20th, so as predicted by myself I will not do the half a month updates anymore. But don’t be sad, there’s more about I have to tell besides transition updates.

What can I say? Little has happened these past two weeks, honestly, I don’t even have much reason to write an update now. So if you don’t mind, from now on I’ll only do the update once a month. After four months the wild water rafting (which is an exaggeration) has turned into bobbing up and down in a rowing boat on a calm lake. I have my emotional moments, the highs, the lows, but they’re few. Physically too, little happens over two weeks, so what’s left to write about. I have enough to write about none transitional issues, like my previous posts show, there’s always a connection with my transition, but no immediate connection to make it part of my diary. Hopefully I will have something to write about in another two weeks, when I’ll be on hormones for 5 months. It’ll probably be the general things, you never know though, there could be fireworks too.

And because I haven’t posted any music videos lately I have one here to make this post a little bit more interesting. It’s a song by Emily Jane White. She reminds me of Cat Power on her ‘You are free‘ album, which I totally fell in love with back then, so now I’ve fallen in love with Emily Jane White.

Four months, one third of a year, it doesn’t feel that long but truth is it’s already that long that I’ve been on hormones, still going steady, and happily, towards bigger changes.
Last week I sent out an e-mail to my aunts and uncles, to inform them what’s going on and to have some control over how they look at me and what I’m going through. I got two repsonses, a really sweet one from a niece of mine and one from my godmother which was somewhat positive but disappointed in the idea that my parents haven’t talked about it with her. I don’t know to which extent my parents have talked to all their brothers and sisters, but clearly someone would wasn’t all that much informed. I don’t mind that much, my relationship with my extended family is very limited, I hardly see them and often there’s little to talk about with them. They are nice people, but beside the bloodline I don’t feel any thorough connection to them. I’m glad I’ve sent out that e-mail though, it’s better for my parents not to feel entirely obliged and responsible to communicate my situation to all their relatives. I am equally grown up to inform my aunts and uncles to a fuller extent by myself.
On something totally different, my healthcare insurer has agreed to reimburse an amount of my expenses for facial hair removal for this year. This means I can start with the facial hair removal, though I might need to have another test session, because the result of the one I had late December doesn’t seem to be that succesful.
Regarding the hair on my head I’m still majorly thrilled to see that much hair return, what testosterone took away from me is now for a large part returning. One area though will not change that much probably, that’s the receded hairline, at the temples it has returned though in general the hairline isn’t clearly proceding again. I hope to change my hairstyle as soon as the returned hair is long enough to do something nice with it. This will take over a year, maybe two, depends on how fast my hair grows. I’m already really excited about getting another hairstyle, to throw my hair loose. Eventually I could decide to have my hairline adjusted with cosmetic surgery, but that’s not something I can seriously think about, especially because I lack the money to do so!
Even though I won’t be informing you about my exact breast development for another two months, I can tell that there’s still some awkward itchy feeling going on. It’s not as irritating as when my breasts first started to develop, but it does show that there’s still something happening. It’s not going as fast as in December, but hey I’m only four months on hormones, so there’s enough time to get to a satisfactory cup size.
Then there’s something I haven’t discussed in my updates yet, the issue of passing as female. It’s really hard to have a truthful opinion about this myself. I can’t read other people’s minds, and I don’t feel like asking every innocent bystander if they see me as a woman. Of course now and then I do notice people looking a bit too long at me, not showing an opinion of how I look in how they look at me, but they do look at me. There are loads of people when I’m walking about the city center who don’t take any notice of my possibly less feminine appearance than they might expect from a woman. Does that mean I pass? I know my voice doesn’t pass yet, and I’m slacking at contacting the local speech coach to start speech sessions, next update I will have an appointment with her in my agenda though. That’s a promise!

In honor of my best friend, Sabrina, I will end this update with quoting her opinion about the effect of my hormone treatment. It’s in Dutch, translated to English it would say: ‘Heavy stuff those hormones‘.
Sabrina said:
“Sterk spul die hormonen!”

Three and a half months 

So past two weeks had enough excitement to not forget my regular update every fifth of the month (which is the half monthly transition update). Though it seems that I have forgotten about updating, until now that is. So what exciting things have I done these past two weeks?
Well last week I had an appointment with my endo(crinologist) and right after with a speech coach. In a previous post I Already mentioned that my endo wants me to start weighing myself, which means I have to buy myself a scale. I still have to do that, but that didn’t keep me from weighing myself at my parents this morning (I was there for my laundry-visit) and well it made my comments to others, like my therapist last Monday, about having gained only 2.2lbs kind of disillusional. Meaning to say that I now know what it is to have a less constant weight. No I’m not telling you how much I gained, but I do hope I won’t keep gaining this much every one and a half week. It’s a good thing my bike as at the repairman, which means I’ll be walking more until Tuesday, though I actually don’t know if I burn more fat by walking to the supermarket or going there and back on my bike. I do have to say though that my endo wasn’t only interested in my weight, he measured my blood presure, which was okay, and he asked if I had any bad headaches, which isn’t the case, at least none worse than before transitioning, not that I have a headache that often.
So then I had my appointment with the speech coach. First another doctor in the presence of the speech coach filmed my vocal cords while I had to make basic sounds with my voice. This was done with a metal bar which had a camera at the end which was aimed downwards, this thing was held almost into my throat, very pleasant. Afterwards I was showed bits of video of my vocal cords moving, I was told they looked really nice, didn’t make it any less peculiar to see something beyond my tongue move. Second I was taken to a sort of recording booth where I had to read out loud a bit of a story and then had to pitch my voice in several keys and do some pitch glides. This delivered a kind of scatter plot, really interesting, this will be sent to my speech coach here in Nijmegen, so she can has a better idea of my vocal possibilities and limitations. The speech coach in Amsterdam was quite pleased with how voice already sounded and she said there was certainly potential in my voice to make it more feminine with succes.
That was last week, last weekend I went to a party for gays, lesbians and bisexuals, as described in the previous post. It was fun and I had good time for a change at such a party. The music still wasn’t that amazing, but it was definitely better than the other GLB-party I went to in November 2007. The next edition of the party I went to in November will be later this month, but I don’t think I’ll be going, the next day will be a party which has far better music!
After the weekend I had my appointment with my therapist in Amsterdam, it was my last appointment with her. She’s going to specialize on children with gender dysphoria, so I’ll be getting a newly hired by the Amsterdam Genderteam therapist. I’ll have to wait three months before I meet her, though that gives her time to go through my, by now quite extensive, files. The appointment with my therapist went well, she was very positive and said it was undeniably visible that I’m feeling better. That’s as far as the gender related events go for these past two weeks.
The day after I went to Amsterdam to see my therapist I went to Amsterdam again, though now to see one of my close friends. We talked about a lot, had drinks, a delicious soup and saw how an elderly man had to be picked up by an ambulance at the soup-bar because there was clearly something wrong with him beside his stubbornness, which was probably caused by a fearfull anxiety. So I spend a slightly extraordinary time with my friend, we don’t see eachother much, so it was really nice to talk to her again.
When I got home that night I had a weird snacking frenzy, it could claim the fame for my weight disillusionment this morning. I do need to be watchful for eating frenzies like those, not only is it nothing like me to have such a frenzy, it also instantly robs me from my snacks which could at least have filled a need the next evening in a less frantic way though.
Ah well I shouldn’t complain yet, I like to snack, but I still know my limitations. And a seldom exception to the rule won’t harm me.
Last note, I have a little party next week on Saturday, with nice people and without horrible music. One of my best and oldest friends has graduated from college, a good reason for a celabration. But what should I buy him????

So I’m finally at the point of no return, not that I’ve ever wanted to return, but still 3 months is one of the hormone therapy landmarks. I have survived 3 months, oh how difficult that was, so those months and year hereafter probably won’t get me down either. I’m still kinda ill, the fourth day, sore throat, coughing, a snivveling nose and a diminished appetite, but I’ll survive, though my intention to get on with my study has suffered quite a bit. So what’s been going on these past two weeks, beside being ill.

Well, I’m now clearly losing the smile lines, especially those around my mouth. Is it a loss? My biggest smile was always accompanied with greatly visible smile lines. The hormones have beaten them from my face, I hope to keep what’s left now though. These smile lines were part of me, just like that big smile I could put on, that big smile will never be as overwhelming if it hadn’t any smile lines. On the other hand, it is a positive sign of the change going on due to the hormones, as I’m visibly changing and people around me are clearly noticing it. I’m stuck with the question though if these changes especially in my face will be enough to convince people that I’m not a man when they see me up close? This question will eventually be automatically answered by future experiences, but I’m quite eager to know the answer to this beforehand. That would probably spoil a lot, so for now I’m satisfied with not knowing the answer.

Something that surprised me this past month were some hot flashes, officially they aren’t side effects of the treatment, but since I only had a few within one or two weeks and none before and none after I don’t believe I have to worry about some sort of structural hormonal imbalance.

A week ago I went to Amsterdam for the Humanitas ‘I am myself‘-group session, as I am now some girls in the group were ill, so we were only with three group members and the Daan and Marleen whom lead the group. It was a very pleasant session, also the first session since I started the therapy. So I talked a bit about that and we discussed the choices made thus far in the process and the choices which we wanted to make this year.
That evening I went to Hilversum for the birthday party of my best friend’s boyfriend and one of his best friends, it was a nice evening and night out, though a bit cold and with little sleep as one could have read in the two previous post, discussing the physical consequences. 

Also since last week I’ve been trying to go out more often full-figured than before. It not only means wearing the bra, but also putting on foundation each day I go out wearing a bra. If I really want to make my RLE a succes then I need to get accustomed to do so, okay I’ll be starting the laser hair removal on my face soon, but it’ll take some time before that generates enough effect to quit using foundation. I don’t know if my breast development is going to continue as it has done the past 2 months, so as long as it is winter and as long my petite breasts don’t seem to conflict with my unfoundationed face then I can permit myself going outside for some groceries without bra and make-up. Going out shopping or for visiting friends or appointments and stuff like that I will submit myself to putting on the bra and the make up. As soon as it is summer and the temperature will make me go out without a jacket I won’t be able to permit myself to do groceries flat-style, and besides I might be full-figured enough to wear the 38A bra daily.

Since this is also a full month update I will give you the latest figures of my breast development, which will also be the last for lets say half a year? Yes, half a year sounds nice, keeping up with millimeters of progress is boring and then again are these figures really interesting? To me they might be, but because it’s not smart to compare with someone elses development during hormone therapy, due to the fact that it differs per person how and in what degree the hormone therapy affects your body. So for the sake of myself here are the figures, my bustsize is approximately 95.5cm, it’s hard to get it exact because holding the measuring tape a little bit different seems to make quite a difference sometimes. In inches that makes 37.6inch, so if I’ve held the measuring tape exactly the same both times then the increase has been 2cm or almost 0.8inch. That’s what I mean, not interesting enough, and eventually I’ll probably have breast implants to get a modest B-cup, because genetically I probably won’t get much more than just enough to fill up that 38A bra. As promised though with my 9 month HRT update I will give some numbers again, that way there’s something to really look forward too *winks*.

I would almost be telling that these past two weeks were uneventful, but I’d be a terrible liar if I said so. There was my sisters birthday, Christmas, having my first appointment for laser hairremoval, I went to see ‘Alles is liefde‘ at the LUX-cinema with Kirstin, new years eve, and the Dito! group getting together yesterday where I told about my coming out. Sounds like enough events to be speaking of 2 eventful weeks, but I was thinking in hormonal events, and I have to disappoint you there. I had no huge moodswings, sudden tiredness nor did I get a b-cup overnight. I’m so disappointed, really, I feel abandoned by my hormones! No seriously there was little to expect hormonally and my expectations weren’t wrong. Of course there were things that I noticed, my pants fitting better, at least tighter, which still is positive as long as they still fit that is. There’s no bra-size update this post, but I can say that things still seem to improve, though having a-cup bra’s does stir up my impatience to fit them by myself. It’s far out of reach in the short term, even if the bra-calculator claims I have a real a-cup. More on this in the next transition-update post, woohoo that’ll be three months, the point of no return. Before that important moment arrives I will now first tell you something about those real events keeping me busy lately.
Like Christmas, because my mom was demanding a date on which she should start calling me Sophie and not by my old name anymore I came up with the first day of Christmas, and she accepted it. She hasn’t really given up on her argument that she has been calling me by birth name for 25 years which makes it difficult for her and that the name ‘Sophie’ doesn’t appeal to her. Well I have little message to that, because it honestly took some time to get used to my new name myself, and I didn’t come back on my decision for that reason. My mom will just have to accept the name and she’ll get used to it, as long as she doesn’t keep opposing it that is, because she’d make it herself very difficult that way. She did her best though with Christmas and kep it up when I was home on new years day.
With Christmas I also dressed full-figured for the first time at my parents and they took it well, no awkward comments. I hope to get at least one picture up here as soon as I get my hands on them. I wore one of my nicest dresses, also something in which my family has never seen me. So Christmas turned out to be special for me and possibly for my parents, brother, and sister too.
New Years Eve wasn’t really special though, as to the fact that it was a small company with whom I spend the night and that it was the first time I was there as Sophie as such. It was a fine evening/night, and I’m glad that I spend it with my best friend, Sabrina. Next year I will have to think of some other company/location to celebrate the new year, not only because my best friend will be spending it with another one of her best friends, but also because it’s good to for once celebrate it with people whom I’ve met on campus. Maybe for the first time in 5 years I could be spending it with somebody really special to me, I might already know her, though maybe not, the point is that it would amazingly wonderful if that could come true!
Besides these December festivities no other events came to be, I did some babysitting, wrote an “arousing” short story, talked about my coming out at yesterday’s Dito! introduction group gathering, went to dinner with them afterwards and I’ve been consumed by the thought of next week’s date with Anne. Those aren’t real events but they kept me occupied, though I sure hope that my study will also keep me occupied these next months or else I won’t see myself graduate before the end of this new year, and I’m not eager for a repeat of last year’s disappointment regarding my study. This hasn’t much to do with transitioning, but I believed in myself when I told myself and others that I could transition and graduate in the same year, so I’ll have to make that come true and I will!

Deux mois, two months, twee maanden, that’s one month until this hormone treatment is irreversible. One month of my mom asking me if I don’t want to quit this treatment. It makes me sad. It shows her lack of support, her lack of respect, her selfishness. I live on my own, about 40 miles north of where my parents live, so I’m in the virtuous position of not having to hear her nag about this multiple times a week. Christmas is neigh though. This Christmas will be the first time that I won’t be flat-chested­. My parents still address me by my old name, this will have to change with Christmas too. I probably won’t make it easy on them, and my mom won’t make it any easier on herself regarding her attitude. This Christmas will be special for a change, I won’t have that taken away from me. There’s no turning around for me, so there’s none of that for my parents on this issue either, especially my mom will just have to accept this.

Ah well Christmas isn’t here yet, let’s just look back at these past two weeks, shall we! Physical developments are coming along nicely. I noticed my back having become more chubby, it doesn’t need to get worse though. Yes worse, a chubby back just isn’t sexy! Seriously I much rather have firmer breasts than a chubby back. Speaking of the devils, they haven’t been causing any real itchyness anymore since the 7^th week. They can be quite sensitive at times though, so whomever hits me on my chest endangers his/her own life!!! Further down my torso I find my bellybutton disappearing into my belly, slowly but steadily it sneaks out of my view. It’s an odd but positive development. The only time when I had fat on my belly was when I was a baby. I’ve been a skinny bitch for ages, now I am a little less of a skinny bitch, though the bitch part hasn’t been proven yet. I hope I won’t be hunted out of my nicely fitting pants, already one can be disregarded for any future wearing. It has to be said though that this one wasn’t nicely fitting, but already a bit tight. I bought that one long ago when I didn’t have the increasing belly and bottom, due to hormone treatment, on my mind.

I’m trying to eat more, or should I say ‘snack more‘, to help myself gain weight. It could be that it will be fruitless, for I have always had a stable weight despite the ease with which I can consume snacks. Yes I feel guilty. And I know some people envy me, but this time I hope to gain the weight to establish a more rounded figure. Not only my back, butt and chest, but my thighs and hips surely deserve some of the benefits of femininity. My family genes might be against me. Both my mother and my sister are skinny on the hips and thighs so this skinny scenario is feasible. Although, that would leave more fat for the other parts of my body, my bottom, the lower belly, and my chest. No I’m really not in favour of having a back chubbier than it is now

Past two weeks not only showed an increase in body fat, but also an increase in number of bra’s I own. I bought my first 38A bra, sure it’s too big. This is why I also bought silicone push-up pads. Still that wasn’t enough to fill up my 38A bra. Luckily I already had some sort of invisible bra, which is also made of a sort of silicone. So with my 38AA breasts, the silicone push-up pads and the invisible bra I created my 38A breasts. It’s going to take quite a while I guess before I can fit in this new bra without any silicone help. I’m guessing the bra is meant for a full figure 38A, not that size A would give anyone a full figure.
A day after I bought the 38A bra I decided to keep my 38B bra’s in my closet for the time being. I came to the conclusion that 38A looks quite okay with my figure. So regarding going full-figured­­­₍₁₎ from January 1st 2008 I bought another 38A bra. Actually it’s the same t-shirt bra as the other I bought the day before, though this one is black. I honestly don’t have the likes for such basic bra’s, but it’s the only kind of bra which I can find in a 38A size. So I’ll be settling with these kind of bra’s for 2008  and probably most of 2009. Does it really bother me? No not the least. So the 38A bra counter is on 2 now, while my 38B bra counter is frozen on 11, though 1 really has to be discarded, being my first bra ever purchased 5 years ago. No hard feelings, but this bra is just too ugly and basic. My new t-shirt bras are far better! There, now you know it, you ugly old bra!

Now what you all haven’t been waiting for: my bra size measurement update. Woohoo, isn’t this exciting? How many millimetres do you think I have gained in 3 weeks? Well I already gave away that it’s still a size 38AA, but it’s the details that count! I have gained half a centimeter, that means my bust size is now 93.5cm, which is even more almost 37inch, to be exact it’s 36.81 inch. According to the 85B international bra size calculator I am supposed to have an 85A European size, but still a 38AA American size. I am somewhat more inclined to believe that I’m still an AA, not being able to fill up a 85A/38A bra. If the increase of half a centimeter in three weeks continues than I’ll be able to fit those new bras in 6 weeks, though that’s sheer speculation. I’ll just have to wait and see!

₍₁₎
Going full-figured means that I’ll be wearing a bra (and faking as if it’s only real breasts underneath) from that day on every day, nothing else will change about my appearance. In my own opinion I’ve been full-time since September 2007, being myself (Sophie) in all my social surroundings. My unmistakable feminine appearance hasn’t changed since the beginning of 2007 so it was only a name issue to make public among people whom I know here in Nijmegen (others were already informed). Of course people didn’t regard me as female as easy as I wanted, nobody’s perfect, also I was still too much bothered by my facial hair and the inability to hide it with casual foundation. I’m not a huge advocate of putting lots of make-up on my face, putting it all over my face is something to which I object even more. Now I have a better foundation and my facial hair is slightly less visible for the biggest part of the day, (and I will start facial hair removal soon,) this has made me less feverish of putting make-up on my entire face. This isn’t a part of being full-time nor of being full-figured in that regard, but it will be part of my daily life from January 1st on, until the hair removal has done its job.
(Wow this turned out to be quite a long foot-note!)

Here we are again, december 5th, I’m one and a half month on hormones and I’m about to tell you what happened to me these past two weeks. No exaggerations, real life experiences…. with all its unscrupulous obscenities… haha …you wish! Again nothing sensational happened in my life, maybe one day in retrospect I could come to another conclusion. If that day comes than please remind me of how I thought these past 2 weeks were trivial. *winks*

First off the physical changes are going that slowly that I hardly see the difference, the changes are really minimal to the naked eye. It’s nothing out of the ordinary, but ever since I noticed the beginning of my breast growth I kinda got obsessed to see if it were really developing. It’s stupid because I know it takes months to see real change, that’s also why I do the measuring only once a month. I know the logic, but somehow I still have to adapt to it. On the other hand, I can’t evade the sensitiveness of my nipples, it daily points me to the fact that something undeerneath is going on. Don’t know if that is the reason why the logic won’t set in, but it’s a plausible reason, don’t you think?
Well beside my chest also my behind seems to accumulate more fat, luckily my butt isn’t itching at all, that would be really too awkward.
I have to say I’m doing well at not scratching my chest area to soothe the itching, I know it doesn’t work like with a casual itch. Sometimes I do make weird moves with my upper body as if I am scratching my chest against a wall or something, it’s totally useless, but for some reason I need to give myself the feeling I’m doing something against the itching.

Last thursday I went to Amsterdam to the Free Univerity Medical Centre, where I had a bone density measurement and an appointment with my gender therapist. The bone density measurement is a standard procedure here for transsexuals who just started their hormone treatment. It is done with a röntgen device, which scanned from my hips to my breast-bone, obviously scanning my spine. It was a short procedure, so I was early for my appointment with my therapist. It was quiet in the waiting room, only one other person was sitting there, so I read some bit in a book I had with me.
The appointment itself was as most of the times quite pleasant, I talked about the physical developments, about my little situation concerning my study and a bit about my mom acting difficult and a little unreasonable about my name. I was also told that my therapist would quit treating adults, because she wanted to specialize on youth, so next appointment with her early February is our last and after that I will have a new one. I’ll easily adjust, like most of the times with changes, and I only have an appointment with my therapist once every three months during my hormone treatment, so the impact on my transition is probably neglible.

On a musical note: I’m going to see St. Vincent on saturday…. yippee ^-^

Next update on the 20th, though I’m thinking of bringing the updates down to once a month and in between discuss other experiences which do touch the subject of my transition.

This is a collection of experiences of my first month on hormones.

First week of HRT
Saturday October 20th I started with my hormone therapy (HRT). I though it was a nice idea to keep my friends posted on the developemnts.

Well on this first week I can be really short, I noticed nothing, nothing physically nothing mentally. This isn’t bad or anything, these things don’t go that fast. I don’t know if it is usefull to keep you posted on a weekly basis, but that’s just easy for me…. to keep to a certain blogging plan

2nd week
So here’s the update on my second week of HRT.
I do think one of the medicins seems to show effect, this is the androcur which i take to block my testosteron from doing to my body what it has been doing since my puberty. I could go into detail about the precise effects, but I won’t, a little bit too private to be honest, so whomever is really eager to know can ask me personally.
Beside this pleasant effect, I think I’m also noticing the first side effects, which are sudden moments of dozyness, especially on moments which i’m not used to or expecting dozyness. But it could also be on account of my worsened sleeping rythm of last week, so I’m not sure.

Troisième semaine de HRT
I am now 3 weeks on hormones, and maybe to your disappointment I have no huge new experiences to share with you. People around me say they see something, like a softer facial skin, which I doubt though. My skin has gotten more dry, and the softness that day, for which I got that kind comment, was probably due to putting on day creme that morning. On the other hand it could be true, my cheeks do feel soft, but do they feel softer??? I can’t really say.
On a more mental note, I have experienced my first (short) moodswing, I was watching some video on the internet, and without any reason coming from that video I suddenly felt sad and on the brink of crying. I’ve been on the brink of crying several times this past year, but not like this without anything specific giving cause to it. So I think I can positively ascribe this to the hormones, although it isn’t something really positive … o.O

Een maand hormonen
I’ve been exactly one month on hormones now, and you’ve read what happened in the first three weeks. Compared to week 3 this last week of this first month didn’t bring any astounding new experiences. My skin is still somewhat softer, and more dry, so i really need to go buy some daycreme. I did have some stress last week because of a decision I had to make concerning the topic for my final thesis. There’s one thing though regarding my transition which one could consider as a real NEWSFLASH. I started feeling pinches underneath my nipples, which could point to the first signs of breast development. I am not 100% sure like with many things these past weeks, but I have to say that I haven’t felt pinches like that before. I’ve been told that it’ll become quite painful on a given time, but thus far it’s just pinches.
So all in all there have been some interesting developments past month, these next months will probably get even more interesting. I won’t be posting weekly updates anymore though, I’m taking it down to twice a month. This means that next update will be in 15 days.