I’ve come to realize that I’ve been feeling a little down lately. It seems like I’m in slow-motion taking everything in the slowest pace possible, studying, seeing friends, progressing in my transition, taking up initiatives I started. Together with that I feel a kind of nagging tiredness picking on my on a daily basis. I still do fun things, but I find it hard to motivate myself and often it’s too easy to pass on those fun things. The reason for feeling down like this is the standstill I reached, I am at a crossroad and the only thing is watch the roads ahead of me disappear in the horizon worrying about what’s behind the horizon despite my intention to reach the horizon. There’s some obstacles for which I have to make a real effort and at this moment I don’t feel enough motivation to make those efforts. Somehow I much rather glare at the horizon and keep myself hooked to the thought about what could be there instead of actually getting there. I need to breach this, I need to get on with my life, if I don’t, feeling down will turn into feeling depressed. I am a positive person though, most often in interaction with other people, but with myself I’m always troubled. I lack perspective about my own life, I endure the now instead of going toward the future. There is no future if I don’t choose one of those paths on the crossroad.
It’s hard to get a positive perspective about my future, beside the fulfillment of my transition, when I have little that offers me a trustworthy perspective. I have a university education, that’s true, but I don’t know if I even want to be involved with the material I studied, this kills of quite some perspective. The argument that I could go study something else won’t work, I’m 25 studied since 2001 and I’m done with it, I can’t endure being a student for much longer and I won’t be able to pay for it either. A job would give more perspective but I have no clue what job I want. Sometimes I simply think that this world and its preoccupation with achievement, money and careermaking is the wrong world for me. The only thing I can do is finding my niche, a niche in which I can be myself, a niche which takes me beyond the worlds preoccupations.
For now though, I’m down. For now I am slow at contacting friends. For now I’m postponing study progress. For now I am at a slow pace with my personal projects. Let’s hope I can turn this around before summer, better have a summer feeling up than a summer feeling down.
My bicyclette lost something earlier this year, this was after I lost the other half of it. The loss did make me more carefull and patient in traffic. My bike couldn’t make itself heard anymore, especially after the repairman fixed its unsupposed noisyness. So yes I was at a loss once my poorly attached bicycle bell fell of the steer. I have searched many places to find a fit replacement, now finally after months of silence my bike will sound again! because I have found myself a fashionably cute bicycle bell to attach to the steer of my ugly bike.
The fact that I found it was remarkable. I found it at a store full of bath ducks and cute magnets, in a city I never visited before because I never new any nice people to visit there. That changed recently, so I went to that far off city (traveled 2 hours) and asked if my friend could show me the shops with the cute original wannahave thingies. So we came upon that store and I came upon a collection of cute bycicle bells, now I had to make a decision of which one I should take. A hard choice, considering the cuteness of most of the bells. I finally went for the beautiful orchid one. So people will be beautifully warned again when I close in on them or when they obstruct the path of my bicycle.
We went to a number of other stores with cute things and some stores fashionably expensive clothes, which I will visit again when money is flowing in my pocket.
Another month has passed, the 7th of my hormone therapy, and that should mean I have something to tell about it. And I have some things to tell, but not as much as past transtition updates.
In all honesty I can say that things are still going steady. Physically everything seems to be alright and on track and mentally I’m emotionally opening up little by little.
So what else can be told?
Well a number of aunts and uncles have seen me as me for the first time, this was at my parents birthday early May. It went quite well, I had some conversations concerning my situations, but besides that there was little different from previous birthdays. So that went okay, didn’t cause any emotional distress.
Also worth mentioning is that someone whom has seen and spoken to me at the lunch for GLB students (which I organize with some other people on campus) hadn’t noticed that I was transsexual until she overheard me mentioning it to someone else at the latest lunch. The thought that everyone notices my transsexuality when I come in close contact with them is thus false, at least one person didn’t notice it and maybe more haven’t noticed yet. I’m quite open about my transsexuality also thinking that people notice it, but I’m not turning in my openness for a life in stealth. No way! I’m happy to be open about my situation at this time, being still in transition. This was a positive experience, that girl was totally cool about it.
I almost forgot, but I also had my hair cut the day before my parents held their birtday. What’s so special about that you might ask? Well, my hair hadn’t been professionally cut for about 2 years. Most part of those two years I was too ashamed and insecure to have my hair cut. I mentioned this in previous posts, I was going bald before I started hormone treatment, that’s something really scary for me and probably for any other woman. So hormones had resolved the baldness and now it was time to have my hair cut, the only point of doubt about having it done was my hairline which hadn’t really changed, only at the temples, but it went well and the hairdresser acted very polite and did a good job for merely taking off 3 inches. Next time I hope to get bangs and have my hair layered, that’ll be in August or September.
And well finally, what I already wrote about in the post from earlier today, I bought a bikini top. For the plain reason that I can now wear one, becaeus I possess what a bikini top is ought to fashionably hide, my little breasts. So that’s progress and reason to do some sun bathing this summer.
So these were the events worth telling you about of last month, maybe I have something more to tell about my physique next month, but as things seem to happen only steadily I’ll probably have little more to mention than today. Though you never now, I might just start the permanent hair removal on my face 
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Originally uploaded by Sophie sans scrupule
So today I went into the city and purchased what I never purchased before. Yes I bought myself a bikini top. I don’t know if I’m actually going to sun bathe wearing it, but at least I can now go out and show off my petit breasts en plein public…hahaha…. no way, women do that topless nowadays…. but I’m going to do neither. I just want to sun bathe privately now I have breasts and this bikini-top is just too fab not to wear. So I bought a bikini top, “only a top??” you might ask. Yes only a top, I’m not ready yet to wear an underpiece, it’s as simple as that. So I’ll be wearing something less revealing instead of a bikini underpiece, like a skirt or a short. Still I’m very proud of my beautiful bikini top 
Moodswings, in my opinion I didn’t have them due to the hormones until half an hour ago. I was worried about a hole right next to the road, across my apartment, because I fear it’s caused by a waterleak. Can explain it in more detail but that’s not of importance now. So I called my dad who works at the regional watersupply company, and before I knew I got all tensed. I got more tensed than I was when I first discovered this hole and checked it out, I was like okay it’s a hole probably caused by a waterleak. It didn’t look like it was getting bigger so I was simply worried, not tensed. There on the phone for a reason which normally doesn’t really get me tensed I got tensed. I do not know if this is considered a moodswing, but it freaky to me for sure. Now I have been more alert on threats to my living space since a there was a nightly break-in at a neighbouring apartment in my hallway while I was home, asleep. This is something different from being afraid having my stuff being stolen, this is being afraid that a huge whole will swallow a garabage truck right in front of my window. Something which will surely shock me. I know how to control my emotions normally but it’s getting harder, today when the start of 3 days of mourning for the dead of the earthquake in China was in the news I was just one bit away of sobbing over my bowl of rice. I used to grieve on the inside about such tragic things, but I think this is starting to change now. Along with having more trouble to keep my emotions in I might have moodswings more easily too. I don’t like being tensed like I was an hour ago, especially not when it grapples me. I treasure my emotional stability. I do, but maybe I should also start treasuring being able to show more of my emotions too. Though I’d rather not have to treasure the moodswings.
There’s all kind of surgeries one can consider when you are transsexual. Foremost there is the sex reassignment surgery, which is for most transsexual persons one of utter importance. This is true for me too, but what other surgeries could I consider?
Well I’ll name all I know the existence of.
- tracheal shave (a.k.a. adam’s apple reduction)
- facial feminization surgery (exists out of different possible procedures)
- breast surgery (implants)
- hip and buttock augmentation (implants)
- permanent hair removal
Would I consider a tracheal shave?
Yes I would. I have a relatively long neck and a quite pronounced adam’s apple on it. Especially from the side angle my adam’s apple can clearly distincted. I am according to the Genderteam coordinator allowed to have a tracheal shave one year after starting HRT. This will be in October this year, so by the end of this year I’ll hopefully be freed from that thing.
Would I consider FFS?
Certain FFS aspects are worth considering for me. Too be honest though, the problem of FFS is that when you change one thing in your face another aspect needs to be change too, to keep a facial balance. For example if I’d have a forehead recontouring I would also need rhynoplasty. This because the forehead procedure would make my nose more pronounced, so to prevent this my nose would need to become smaller and thus more feminine. Other procedures like chin and jaw recontouring are out of the question for me, those aren’t that masculine that they need to be altered to look feminine. The HRT already softened my facial structures, so I won’t consider cheek implants either. The one and only FFS procedure I will definitely consider is the hairline correction. My hairline has receded too far to look feminine, I have my own way of hiding it but I’d be more confident if it would be actually altered. Different procedures are possible, the scalp advance and some kind of hair transplantation. I don’t know yet which one I’ll go for, but I hope to have it done before 2014. I hope to have saved enough money by then.
Would I consider breast implants?
It is well known that HRT doesn’t achieve a satisfactory breast size for most transsexuals. I am now almost 7 months into HRT and I don’t consider myself an exception. I will probably won’t achieve a breast size which suits best with my posture. A full B-cup would be enough for m, but I don’t think the hormones will get me there. So yes I consider breast implants, but not after I’m sure that the hormone treatment has achieved its max in breast development. Knowing that this can take up to 4 years after staring HRT I will probably postpone that until after my srs.
Would I consider hip and buttock augmentation?
I can be really clear about this one. No I won’t consider this, not now and not in the future. Because of my male build, I don’t have hips nor buttocks as a born woman. Considering though that there’s also born women whom don’t have really feminine hips or buttocks I will not make an issue of this. My shoulder/waist/hip features will never be that of an average woman, but HRT did and will continue to make my hips, buttocks and thighs more feminine simply through its redistribution of fat-tissue. And besided sitting on a pair of silicones simply won’t feel as comfortable as sitting on my fat.
Would I consider permanent hair removal?
I not only consider this, I am surely going to do this. Of course one can remove a lot of hair of ones body, but for me most important is to remove my facial hair. Body hair is influenced by the hormone treatment and is already decreasing significantly on my chest and will gradually diminish (become lighter and softer) on my legs, buttocks and arms. Facial hair removal is something I’ll start with this year, first with laser or light technology then after at most 8 to 10 sessions with electrolysis.
All summed up I will have permanent facial hair removal and a tracheal shave in the near future, in the longer run I’ll also go for breast implants and the hairline correction. Other FFS procedures aren’t excluded, but neither am I sure I’ll have those done. So I cannot tell when I’ll be done having surgery, but I hope I have those procedures about which I’m sure to undergo within 5 years. So I could be done with that at age 30.
I love this band, and by coincidence I found out that the single Souvenirs from their latest album Lion the girl had been remixed and had a video to go with it. And I adore this video as much as I adore the remix and as much as I adore the original. Simply wanted to share this amazing Midnight Movies remix with you, which is done by someone called Nick Zinner.
The direction of my life is still unclear to me, mostly because I do not embrace the perspectives my study can give me. In the previous post I mentioned how this has come to be, with on the other hand the more than ever feasable perspective to be myself in full glory. No one can take away my future of personal sefl-fulfillment, my future in which I can freely be myself, unfettered from the burden my body has been all these years. This is of course only part of my self-fulfillment, the other part in general societal understandings would be making a career and personal growth, gaining money and gaining wisdom. I’ve been told to be a wise person, I’m modest but I wouldn’t entirely deny that, my life gave me a certain point of view on the world and the ability and honesty to share this wisdom with the people around me. I do think that there is still a lot of experience which I personally need to experience to really speak of wisdom. And I would be really happy if I would also be appreciated for my wisdom, bedises for being myself and an honest person. What wouldn’t make me happy is being appreciated for the career I’m making or the money I’m earning. A career will never be a personal goal, because I do not feel like needing to achieve for personal gain to be appreciated. Friendship, love and wisdom are the only things I want to achieve, those things aren’t for personal gain, they mean nothing if I’d only achieve them for myself. Career-making in this respect is an egoistic business, which will mean entirely nothing if it doesn’t involve at least two of the three goals of achievement I mentioned in the previous sentence.
Currently I am doing a study which does enable me to achieve wisdom, the wisdom of how our world and the people on it act in all kind of situations within international developement. I will also be able to reach out to people with my love for life, my love for human dignity, my love for freedom, etcetera. I don’t know if I will achieve love or friendship, achieving these isn’t an aspect of making a career. Maybe I’m too unrealistic, because a career in whatever other business won’t make me achieve both wisdom and friendship or love directly as I would want to. The most important future perspective of being myself in full glory, still needs another future perspective, namely one of having an amazing job, but also finding true love, starting a family, admiring the beauties of this planet. In this society I live in the other ones are hardly possible if you don’t have a job, so I will go look for a job as soon as I have brought myself to finish my study. Expectations are a killer for me I suppose, but what I will be looking for is a job in which I can be creative, share my passion with the people around me and have people in need benefit from my abilities to help them.
I do believe I can become happy and achive self-fulfillment in a job which doesn’t earn me respect for the money I make. I am, though, very much pleased with the comfort of a good life with an amount of commodities that will be needed to supported by a certain income. Money does increase happyness when it takes away worries like those which the people have whom are now being evicted from their houses in the US. These are basic things, and even when you earn a lot of money you can still be unhappy when you do not achieve either friendship or love or when you fail at it. There I will need to find a balance in my life, and I will not be worrying where I will and up with my career, as long as self-fulfillment is possible entirely I will not have to fear my own future. The hardest battle has been fought, and now during the cease-fire I am certain I will find peace with myself. In the meantime I will set out to achieve those other aspects of self-fulfillment.
As a young transsexual something which has really been a strain in my life was the lack of future perspectives. Especially during these past years towards the point where I am now, this strain put a heavy weight on my student life. In 2001 when I left my parents home to study at a university I was still in the closet, this all changed in the years to come, my life would change but I didn’t have the certainty to have the life I wished for when I would finish university. This insecurity took away all my future perspectives. I was on a path which had only one direction and without the ability to turn around, but I didn’t know if the path had a dead end or would bring me to a life I wished for. In these past 7 years I often feared for the dead end until last year when I was allowed to start hormone treatment. In the meantime the fear of the dead end inhibited me to do my study in full capacity with full concentration and full devotion. What would my study be worth if I would personally be stuck in a dead end life? I did study, got my bachelor degree and made it to enroll the master. I was persistent that’s for sure, I had nothing else to study, a switch would be hopeless whatever choice of study I would have made in that situation. I did enjoy my study, but whenever I was majorly dependent on myself I lacked the abilities to achieve what students could achieve. I am not an A-grade student, I have become a student whom has all the intelligence a student needs but isn’t motivated to study. With all the time I’ve put in my study it might be remarkable that I ever got to this point, it shows my persistence. The fact though that it took me 6 years to start my masters research, with a bachelor-degree only scheduled to do in 3 years, shows that I had a lot of trouble getting myself to this point.
So all these years of lacking future perspectives build up a heavy load to the point I have no motivation left to do my graduation research in the field of my study. My study became a burden of which I want to be freed to finally start a real life, leaving this loathsome futureless life behind me. Now that I have the life in which I see a future I cannot put myself to continuing a futureless study, I have started to question if I ever want to do something in the field of my study. It will forever be connected to the life without perspectives I lead.
It is true that my study offers me potential perspectives, for sure, when I have a masters degree I will be able to get a job and work myself up to more influential jobs. Though, what if this field of work (international development) doesn’t spark me anymore? When I started with developmentstudies I had a huge idealistic spark, but now there is nothing left of that, it cannot spark any future perspectives for me, none. I have no idea what I would want to do. Yes maybe that is because I lack a truthful image of my possibilities in the field. Due to my situation I now lack experience of doing research or working abroad, I have no ideal country nor continent to work and help the people. They should do it without me, but that’s what I didn’t see when I started studying. Now I’m left with an absence of motivation to study and work in international development on the one hand and on the other hand the future perspective to be myself in full glory. It is insane and I will have a lot to do to find out how I solve this schism in my life, what do I want with my future, I’ll go into that in the next post.
A few months ago I sent out an e-mail to my extended family about my situation. The e-mail contained nothing more and nothing less than they needed to know. I don’t have any close ties with either sides of the family, they’re all kind people (though sometimes a bit loud). A few relatives replied to that e-mail, all respectful, which I can probably give my dad credit for.
So this past weekend my parents celebrated their birthdays together, so quite a bunch of family came over and it was their first time seeing me after starting hormone treatment and visibly presenting myself as female. I sat there with them all evening, except for the 10 minutes that I had to do some dishwashing. Over the evening I hadn’t noticed any negative responses to my appearance/presence. Not everyone spoke with me but that’s not abnormal with these birthdays. With a few relatives I had short conversations about me and at one instance I was in the spotlight of the general conversation, though that was quite early on in the evening so not all guests were there. In general I have little to no reason to complain about how my relatives repsond to me, yes it is awkward for them, but it is not like they cannot or do not want to deal with the my changed situation.
And as written in a previous post, even my grandma is eager to be true to whom I am, for which I really love her. Other family members might not be that dedicated to me, but so what, it’s not like I’m that dedicated to them in everything they live thtough. It’s good enough that they accept me for whom I am and at least try to call me by my name.
When I grow older I’ll most probably grow apart from them, I will have my own life, might just migrate and have my own family like hopefully my brother and sister will have too. They mean so much more to me, as will my future cousins then will mean a whole lot to me. I don’t mind growing apart from my parents families, I trust that they will have good lives in which there is no need for me to play a role. They will always keep thinking of me as that quiet nephew, no doubt, but I don’t mind, it’s part of what I’m going through. I can’t control everything, the only reason why I would want to control my relatives opinion and view of me is their relation to my parents. I do not want to be the reason why anyone would not want to see and speak my parents anymore. By the way, transsexualism isn’t that unoridinary anymore!
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